Inspired by some posts asking this question, I reached peak offseason (and peak lockdown) and thought I'd make an attempt to go all out and actually put together a comprehensive list. I've really tried to research into these but as you'll see in some cases it wasn't easy, and I've also had to group a few races together. Please feel free to correct me if you are from said countries and know of a better answer. Enjoy!
2019 Calendar Races (Plus some others which would also use the same hat):
Australia – Cork Hat
An absolute no brainer to start us off easy. Corks would be strung from the brim of the hat so that when you swivel your head the swinging corks keep those pesky blowflies off you. Believed to have been worn by jackaroos or swagmen (I don’t know either), the genius was in the fact that cork’s lack of density mean that their weight doesn’t drag the brim down with them.
Bahrain/UAE/Saudi Arabia – Keffiyeh
If you’ve ever watched one of the Middle Eastern races, you cannot miss these being sported by many members of the crowd. What began as a practical piece of headwear and scarf has become popular around the world, and sometimes associated with Palestinian solidarity due to its wearing by notable Palestinian figures.
China/Japan/Vietnam – Conical Hat
Is it even a paddy field if you don’t see the farmers wearing these? Not only offering excellent sun and rain protection, but they can also be dipped in water to be used for evaporative cooling. Also well known to be a symbol of Buddhism, especially in Japan.
Azerbaijan – Papaq
A sign of prestige and dignity, these would never be taken off in public, to the point where doing so was considered shameful. If you really wanted to rile someone up, you could knock off their papaq.
Spain – Barretina
Very popular in Catalonia, the region containing Barcelona and our not-so-beloved Spanish GP, this floppy number is a symbol of identity. They became less popular in the 19th century but had a brief resurgence when Salvador Dali started wearing one. In the 2010 world cup final, a pitch invader tried to put one onto the trophy.
Monaco – Monegasque Military Helmet
I really struggled with this one. I think one of the best bets is to go with the white (in summer) or blue (in winter) custodian hat worn by the Prince’s Company. Brits will have seen a darker version of this hat worn by the bobbies on the beat (Police on street patrol).
Canada – Mounties Hat
As much as I think it would be cool to see a First Nations headdress on the podium, I understand that given the sacrality of these to their culture it is probably not appropriate to do so. So instead, I’d go for the hat worn by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police – the ‘Mounties.’ Originally formed in 1873 to protect First Nations territory from whisky bootleggers, they’re still functional today and are so iconic that at one point Disney were doing their brand management.
France – Beret
What else? We all have the same image – a Frenchman, riding a bike, with a curly moustache, stripy shirt, string of onions and of course a beret. Potentially dating back to the bronze age, the beret has always been popular in France and its fashion has expanded around the world thanks to colonisation and later social media. They’re also very popular with militaries and revolutionaries alike, most notably Che Guevara.
Austria/Germany – Tyrolean Hat/Jägerhut
While I have seen many a cheap knock-off version of these hats during our British attempts at Oktoberfest, they truly originate from the Tyrol region in the Alps, which is now spread across Austria, Germany, Italy, and Switzerland. After Edward VIII of the UK abdicated in 1936 he frequently stayed in Styria and wore this type of hat, making it associated with the region. This makes it even more relevant as Styria is where the Red Bull Ring is!
Great Britain – Bowler Hat
Created by the Londoners Thomas and William Bowler in 1849, it has been associated with the working, middle and upper classes across its lifetime, and also finding popularity on the American frontier – more so than the cowboy hat or the sombrero. Worn by countless real and fictional characters, it remains an icon of 19th and 20th century Britain.
Hungary – Shako
These are modified versions of the traditional stovepipe or top hats which were worn by Hungarian shepherds in the 18th century, before being adopted by the military and becoming a symbol of the Hungarian Hussars. Despite only really being used functionally for about 70 years, the style spread to armies across the world and can still be seen on parade today.
Belgium – Gilles Plumed Headdress
Now this is something I’d like to see. These aren’t really related to Spa-Franchorchamps, but they’re too impressive to pass up on. The Gilles are costumed participants of the Carnival of Binche celebrated every Shrove Tuesday. During the morning of the carnival they wear masks, but upon reaching the town hall they take these off, and some don these epic ostrich-feathered hats and throw blood oranges at the crowd - something I’d also like to see on the podium.
Italy – Milanese Fashion
Another tough one. Since Italy is such a young country, I struggled to find much in the way of traditional clothing. However, I have another idea. Monza is really close to Milan, whose fashion week is one of the most recognised in the world. Why not collaborate with some of the most famous designers to have a one-off hat reflecting each year’s fashion trends? As well as uniqueness, it’s a sponsorship opportunity, and if there’s one thing F1 loves more than racing…
Singapore – Slouch Hat
I don’t want to group Singapore with the three other countries using the conical hat, despite its presence in the region. The Slouch hat is worn by Singapore’s Gurkha Contingent and has become a marker from which they can be identified. Gurkha regiments are used in many countries and are known to be some of the most fearsome soldiers, with only 200 of the 20,000 applicants (1%) making it into Singapore’s GC yearly.
Russia – Ushanka
Even if these hadn’t already been used at Grands Prix before, it would still be my choice. The true Ushanka is inspired by Norwegian arctic explorer’s hats, and from Cossack interaction of central Asian peoples. After losing the Winter War to Finns whose hats were better at keeping their heads warm (this was not the only reason), the Red Army ditched their old budenovka hats and Ushankas became standard-issue, thus the relationship with wearing one and all of your friends calling you ‘comrade’ was born. Perhaps the most exciting thing about the Russian GP would be seeing these make a comeback.
Mexico/Brazil – Sombrero
Simply Spanish for ‘hat,’ this is another one that’s seen the podium before. This hat is even wider than the Spanish version brought over by colonials, to give better sun protection from the more intense central American heat.
United States – Cowboy Hat
John Batterson Stetson is credited with the original design of hat we all know and love today. Depending on your age, you may associate this hat with John Wayne or Woody, but travel to a Southern or Western ranch and you’ll likely see them being worn. The Stetson got a free PR boost when, in 1912, the USS Maine was raised after being sunk for fourteen years and a seemingly undamaged Stetson was found in the wreckage.
Bonus Races
Portugal – Portuguese Sombrero
Typical traditional Portuguese clothing, this sombrero is only similar to its South American cousins in name. It would have a flat brim and top and is worn as part of traditional dress.
Turkey – Fez
Written into the history books by the Ottoman Empire, this hat became popular because of its practicality – it was easier to pray (with your head to the ground, as is done in Islam), wearing this than with a turban, bonnet or Keffiyeh. Ironically, in the late 18th century, political rival Austria held a near monopoly on the production of the Fez and they became less popular following a boycott of Austrian goods due to increasing tension between the nations.
Netherlands – Flat Cap or Wide Brimmed
There doesn’t seem to be a consensus on this at all, it was one or the other. As such, I don’t have much to write here. If this idea were too boring, I’m sure we could change them for some sort of Windmill hat.
India – Turban
Common in Sikhism and some sects of Islam, the origins of this headwear are so old it’s unknown. There are many regional variants, all with their own name, each coming in different colours and sizes.
Malaysia – Tengkolok
Dating back to 1400, this hat was born of a need for Malaccan Malays to be expected to cover their head and present themselves neatly when seeking audience with the Sultan. Over time it became popular to decorate them in accordance with your wealth.
Thank you everyone for reading! Hope you made it this far. Now, what do I do with all this free time?

Please Note: This is for those of you who are not all-in on GME and like to look at alternatives. Not saying sell GME to buy FUBO, just saying there are other interesting alternatives out there, and FUBO is one of them. Also, it's heavily shorted.
​
- Share Facts -

• FuboTV, ticker FUBO
• IV: Around 200% this morning on puts expiring Feb-12th
• FUBO earnings date: Estimated to be Feb 5th March 2nd (my Broker was estimating the date, but earnings released date has now been confirmed)
• Share Float: 52.06M (as per Yahoo Finance)
• Short % of Float: 72.74% (as of Jan 15th, as per Yahoo Finance)
  • I mention this because FUBO was heavily shorted when the stock rose in the $60’s, and unfortunately shorters succeeded in crashing the price.
• Market Cap: $2.85 B

My position

• 38 shares @ approx. $31
• 100 shares @ approx $43 bought this morning, and sold a covered call at $55 strike for $6.10 for Feb-12th. I'm sure I'll regret it, but the yield on both the call itself, and the potential yield if I get called away for downright phenomenal, hard to turn down.

​
- The DD -
What is FuboTV?
Mama Wood said it herself (paraphrasing here): Cable is dying, to hell with cable, we want MOAR STREAMING!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, cable and television plans are dying. Nowadays you have a ton of flexible solutions, from the obvious Netflix and YouTube, to Amazon Prime, Sling TV, Hulu, etc. FUBO is capitalizing on this trend for sports fans. It is the country's first sports-first service. While the price might seem steep, it gives you access to dozens of regional, national and international sports channels, including live events in 4K HDR.
Beyond sports, it offers much more; 112 channels in total, including 43 of the top 50 Nielson-rated networks (for you autists and retards out there, Nielson is an American information, data and market measurement firm operating in over 100 countries and employing 44,000 people (says Wikipedia, I’m too retarded to do more research on them). Sample non-sports related channels on FUBO include: A&E, Adult Swim, AMC, BBC America, Bravo, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, etc. Yes, they even have the Weather Network.
Recent acquisitions:
No DD of a hyper fast growing company would be complete without discussing acquisitions.

• Vigtory: The company is in the process of acquiring and integrating Vigtory Inc to the platform. Vigtory is a sportsbook (sports betting). It will also remain available to those not using FuboTV (aka: additional revenues, but also additional marketing for FuboTV)
• Balto: Balto develops tools for users to organize and play fantasy sports games, and FuboTV intends to combine its technology with Balto to launch a free-to-play gaming offering.

Some numbers (yes, the quant stuff):
Average revenue per user (ARPU) has gone from $37.93 per month in 2019, to $53.73 in 2019, and to $67.70 in the latest quarter. In contrast, it’s average monthly cost per user has risen from $40.59 in 2018 to $56.78 in the last quarter. Yes, they were obviously operating at a loss, and yes they are now operating at a positive contribution profit. As of the latest quarter, they had 455,000 paid subcribers. Grand news, yes?
Q3 results, and guidance for Q4:
Spoiler alert: The numbers are fantastic.

• Q3: Revenues of $61.2 million, an increase of close to 50% on a YoY basis.
  • Breaking revenues down: Subscription revenues up by 64% at $53.4 million, and advertising revenues up by 153% at $7.5 million
  • Paid subscribers increased by 58% on a YoY basis, and ARPU increased by 14% on a YOY basis. See here the meteoric rise. Sexy, ain’t it?
  • Hours spent watching FuboTV also skyrocketed, an increase of 83% YoY (133.3 million hours). Monthly Active Users watched on average 120h per month. This is a 20% increase YoY
• Q4 guidance: Spoiler alert: They raised their guidance mid quarter because they are so bloody awesome
  • Q4 revenue to be expected between $94 to $98 million, prior guidance was $80 to $85 million. The new guidance represents a 77% to 84% YoY revenue increase
  • Paid subscribers to be expected to exceed 545,000, prior guidance was 500k to 510k. The new guidance represents a 72% YoY increase.

What now?
Sure, they are not profitable yet. Big whoop, they are still young, FuboTV was founded in 2015. But you know what? It took ages for Netflix to become profitable (about 7 or 8 years, I believe). The way FUBO is growing their paid subscribers base, and the way the hours are increasing YoY, we can expect them to reach profitability sooner rather than later. When? I don’t have a crystal ball, if I do I’d be a billionaire. We can expect that as they continue to scale up and add more users, they will continue to increase their advertisement revenues (duh), and also that their cost of new client acquisition will become lower (also duh)
What are the risks?

• For FUBO to thrive and grow, they need live sports. COVID dented their growth due to professional sports suspending seasons. If we go into another massive lockdown (less and less likely as vaccines ever so slowly roll out), this could cause another dent in their growth.
• It’s still heavily shorted, as the price continues to go up (especially if they smash their guidance), expect some shady shit GME-style from hedge funds to bring the price down.

TLDR: Awesome growth potential, heavily shorted (not at the GME scale, but still heavily shorted so you need to be mindful of that and potential WSB attention to the stock, or potential shady business from shorters).
Edit: 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀 🚀

- Share Facts -

• FuboTV, ticker FUBO
• IV: Around 200% this morning on puts expiring Feb-12th
• FUBO earnings date: Estimated to be Feb 5th March 2nd - It was estimated to be Feb 5th by my broker, but news came out after I wrote the original DD that results will be issued March 2nd
• Share Float: 52.06M (as per Yahoo Finance)
• Short % of Float: 72.74% (as of Jan 15th, as per Yahoo Finance)
  • I mention this because FUBO was heavily shorted when the stock rose in the $60’s, and unfortunately shorters succeeded in crashing the price.
  • In the comments someone mentioned short interest is now at 57.98%, although I did not verify this. Nonetheless, short interest above 40-50% is considered quite high
• Market Cap: $2.85 B

​
My position

• Account #1 (Boomer account): 38 shares @ approx. $31 (risk management at play, I'd like to invest more, but it's at the upper limit of how much I'm willing to put in one individual position)
• Account #2 (Theta Gang account): 100 shares @ approx $43 bought this morning, and sold a covered call at $55 strike for $6.10 for Feb-12th. I'm sure I'll regret it, but the yield on both the call itself, and the potential yield if I get called away for downright phenomenal, hard to turn down. Again, I would've done more, but risk management dictates my upper limit for individual stock exposure.
  • Feb-04 Edit: Now that the earnings date has been confirmed, I'm adding 200 shares and selling calls at $45 strike 02/26. Playing on volatility here, but also want to protect myself in case of a pullback. Premiums of roughly $12, so BE is close to $40.

​
- The DD -
What is FuboTV?
Mama Wood said it herself (paraphrasing here): Cable is dying, to hell with cable, we want MOAR STREAMING!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, cable and television plans are dying. Nowadays you have a ton of flexible solutions, from the obvious Netflix and YouTube, to Amazon Prime, Sling TV, Hulu, etc. FUBO is capitalizing on this trend for sports fans. It is the country's first sports-first service. While the price might seem steep, it gives you access to dozens of regional, national and international sports channels, including live events in 4K HDR.
Beyond sports, it offers much more; 112 channels in total, including 43 of the top 50 Nielson-rated networks (Nielson is an American information, data and market measurement firm operating in over 100 countries and employing 44,000 people (says Wikipedia, I’m too retarded to do more research on them). Sample non-sports related channels on FUBO include: A&E, Adult Swim, AMC, BBC America, Bravo, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, etc. Yes, they even have the Weather Network.
​
Recent acquisitions:
No DD of a hyper fast growing company would be complete without discussing acquisitions.

• Vigtory: The company is in the process of acquiring and integrating Vigtory Inc to the platform. Vigtory is a sportsbook (sports betting). It will also remain available to those not using FuboTV (aka: additional revenues, but also additional marketing for FuboTV)
• Balto: Balto develops tools for users to organize and play fantasy sports games, and FuboTV intends to combine its technology with Balto to launch a free-to-play gaming offering.

​
Management: See here for bio of management. Cliff notes are

• David Gandler: Co-founder, CEO since 2015. Background is 15+ years of video sales in local broadcast and cable TV.
• Alberto Horihuela: Co-founder and CMO. Prior to FuboTV he was head of Latin America for SVOD service DramaFever, which was acquired by Softbank and a part of Warner Bros.; he's a serial entrepreneur, and has also co-founded Premerad Network, where he was CEO
• Simone Nardi: CFO, prior to FUBO he was SVP and CFO for Scripps Networks Interactive, and before that for NBC Universal's international channels and television production businesses.
• Mike Berkley: Chief product Officer, has been in technology fort more than 20 years. He's developed new products and businesses for Spotify, Viacom, Comcast and Axios. He also founded two tech startups.
• Gina DiGioia Sheldon: General Counsel, prior to joining FUBO she was U.S. general counsel and COO for Flizy, a global tech company with products in Europe and Latin America.

​
Some numbers (yes, the quant stuff):
Average revenue per user (ARPU) has gone from $37.93 per month in 2019, to $53.73 in 2019, and to $67.70 in the latest quarter. In contrast, it’s average monthly cost per user has risen from $40.59 in 2018 to $56.78 in the last quarter. Yes, they were obviously operating at a loss, and yes they are now operating at a positive contribution profit. As of the latest quarter, they had 455,000 paid subcribers. Grand news, yes?
Q3 results, and guidance for Q4:
Spoiler alert: The numbers are fantastic.

• Q3: Revenues of $61.2 million, an increase of close to 50% on a YoY basis.
  • Breaking revenues down: Subscription revenues up by 64% at $53.4 million, and advertising revenues up by 153% at $7.5 million
  • Paid subscribers increased by 58% on a YoY basis, and ARPU increased by 14% on a YOY basis. See here the meteoric rise. Sexy, ain’t it?
  • Hours spent watching FuboTV also skyrocketed, an increase of 83% YoY (133.3 million hours). Monthly Active Users watched on average 120h per month. This is a 20% increase YoY
• Q4 guidance: Spoiler alert: They raised their guidance mid quarter because they are so bloody awesome
  • Q4 revenue to be expected between $94 to $98 million, prior guidance was $80 to $85 million. The new guidance represents a 77% to 84% YoY revenue increase
  • Paid subscribers to be expected to exceed 545,000, prior guidance was 500k to 510k. The new guidance represents a 72% YoY increase.

​
What now?
Sure, they are not profitable yet. Big whoop, they are still young, FuboTV was founded in 2015. But you know what? It took ages for Netflix to become profitable (about 7 or 8 years, I believe). The way FUBO is growing their paid subscribers base, and the way the hours are increasing YoY, we can expect them to reach profitability sooner rather than later. When? I don’t have a crystal ball, if I do I’d be a billionaire. We can expect that as they continue to scale up and add more users, they will continue to increase their advertisement revenues (duh), and also that their cost of new client acquisition will become lower (also duh)
​
What are the risks?

• For FUBO to thrive and grow, they need live sports. COVID dented their growth due to professional sports suspending seasons. If we go into another massive lockdown (less and less likely as vaccines ever so slowly roll out), this could cause another dent in their growth.
• It’s still heavily shorted, as the price continues to go up (especially if they smash their guidance), expect some shady shit GME-style from hedge funds to bring the price down.

TLDR: Awesome growth potential, heavily shorted (not at the GME scale, but still heavily shorted so you need to be mindful of that and potential WSB attention to the stock, or potential shady business from shorters).

Lets build one hundred different tavern owners to make taverns more interesting!

Die Roll	Result
1	Davis Owensby - A retired farmer who converted his old barn into a tavern. This tavern keeper brews all his own beers with hops that he grows. He will sit and talk about farming for hours, if you let him. He is worried about his cows going missing, and suspects the ogres in the hills are to blame.
2	The Ghost of Sel'seren - This tavern is haunted by the previous tavern keeper who died a few years ago. Sel'seren was a gorgeous elven woman who treated all her guests like family. People who stay the night in this inn report having their covers being pulled over them on cold nights on their own, and mugs of ale being refilled on their own.
3	Mugsy - The ex-criminal Mugsy is a goblin who pulled off a BIG heist in his past, and is using the tavern as a cover to stay under the radar. He speaks fluent Thieve's Cant and usually takes a liking to rogue players. He charges paladins extra.
4	Slunk Copperpot - Slunk is a goblin stripper who recently came into possession of her own tavern because the previous owner died of mysterious circumstances. Slunk was always his favorite dancer, and he left the tavern to her in her will. The strange thing is, he died within days of telling Slunk that information. What a coincidence!
5	Al'Ashir - This foreigner from the desert is looking to start his new business in a land far from his home. He is overly accommodating, and typically cooks all the meals himself. If the patrons aren't used to desert cuisine, they may find it particularly on the dry side.
6	Thain D’ulbris - A former adventurer who says he has traveled with all the great heroes though none of his stories match up he is a portly fun loving man. Though he is a bit loud he has ties to the rebels though he doesn’t advertise this other than his rampant and aggressive nationalism he uses as a cover.
7	Lily - This charming, attractive Elven woman always seems to know exactly what to say to cheer up patrons and get them talking. A town drunk swears that she's actually a disguised monster and the head of a local organized crime syndicate.
8	Mimi - This enchanted wizard's familiaapprentice runs the bar, using her telekinetic abilities in place of hands. The bar features a variety of exotic drinks from across the world and even some extraplanar ones (dangerous and highly expensive drinks only available with a reservation and advance order).
9	Nimue - This bright red horned tiefling has spent quite a bit of money on the decor of her bar, which is themed after hell. The barestaurant is upscale, and the food and drinks, while good, are pricy. This is a popular spot for the children of nobility to attend. The bartender has acquired several rocks enchanted with Nystul's Magic Aura, which she has put in the foundations in order to create an "aura of evil" around the place.
10	Kra'ax Three Claw - The hulking Half-Dragon is surprisingly well mannered, but will violently throw out anyone they learn takes part in the trapping of animals. They lost their left foot to an owlbear trap while traveling the wilds and sorely miss going on long treks through the untamed wilderness. Will buy or trade at a very fair price for fresh wild berries and unique stones.
11	Grin Stoneboot - A stout dwarf, with fiery red hair and no beard, that owns and operates a tavern carved entirely from one large stone block. He’s known for his wild tales of his missing flying monkey. Every time one of his patrons asks him something he always manages to lead the conversation toward his missing monkey (Nam). Rumor has it that Grin shaved his beard and won’t regrow it until he finds his lost friend. I’m sure Grin would have a fantastic reward for the player that found poor Nam.
12	Orx Thrallkeep - former gladiator, living his best life running a bar with a solid connection to the local sporting events community and betting parlors. His favorite weapon, a silver trident, is more than just decoration behind the bar.
13	Abeg Two-Smiles - reformed thief, he was horribly scarred by an angry tavern owner during his early life and eventually returned from his adventuring days to not only buy the bar itself but also to help guide young, troubled future thieves by honing their skills and boasts that anyone able to successfully steal a mug from his bar will drink free for a year. So far, none have been able to do so.
14	Juli Wise (formerly Jani the Jannkiller) - druid with a focus on elemental magic, she's laying low for the time being until the next planar alignment allows her return to some mysterious place where her allies are waiting. In the meantime, she's keeping busy and trying get information from every traveler staying at her roadside inn.
15	Herk - a goblin who found the perfect score in treasure hunting - dead adventuring groups. His specialty is building quiet, lethal traps and placing them in front of already-cleared dungeons after the adventurers have entered. They die, he collects the loot and puts it to work building a safe space for his extended family. Remarkably, he's happier running a tavern than he ever was living in dungeons and caves.
16	Josh - A well-mannered ogre. Runs a small tavern on the edge of town, and it's clear that he puts a lot of love into it. His family was kidnapped for a gladiatorial arena, meant to test fighters prowess. Josh could never really stand the sight of blood, so he opted to take on the position of cook for the combatants in the arena. He's very self-conscious about his size, but he's a gentle giant, and a friendly soul. Speaks with a slight New Zealand accent.
17	Weiss and Jaded - an Aasimar and Tiefling Wife/Husband duo. Weiss mans the bar putting patrons to ease with her holy feminine charm while Jaded in the back is the Cook and Brewmaster known for his signature drink Devil Rose Ale. If asked about their relationship they'll simply state that it was originally a joke to screw with friends but they learned to truly love each other.
18	Lurag Strongbrew - Lurag is a retired Dwarven barbarian. He made it his mission in life to find the lost mead recipe of the legendary Dwarven brewer, Gilgoth Honeybeard. Once he retrieved it, he settled down and opened a tavern to share the legendary brew with the world.
19	Meef, Störsk, and Gjël - A trio of gnomes who take turns bussing tables, cooking, and bartending. Tavern is built into the bottom of a cliff-face and the goblins added wooden structure to turn a large hollow into a serviceable, if somewhat cramped for medium and larger characters. They each have small wooden protrusions on tight fitting jerkins that attach on the back of the each shoulder. They use these to boost eachother up and grab things from the top shelves. The food and beverages are mostly fungi-based with some options for everybody. They all complain of the smell if asked to cook meat, but will aquiesce and make the food without further qualm.
20	Kareem Sandjabar - A mage who runs the tavern liberal use of mage hand, unseen servant, summons, and other magical means. Keeps a pet mimic named Boorf in the tavern that likes to prank people by turning into mugs and foot stools. Will pay handsomely for self-washing dishes because he cant stand the way his minions clean them.
21	Elias Alondir - A high elf mage who seems a bit out of place running a tavern. Being a bit of a germaphobe, he has several unseen servants as his wait staff as well as his psudodragon that collects payment and tips. Elias never touches the coins from his customers, instead dumping it all into a chest with Mage Hand and cleaning it later. When the tavern gets busy, the high elf gets a bit of anxiety and copes by letting out small laughs and chuckles as he converses with his patrons. The name of the tavern? The Laughing Mage.
22	Iphin - A minor god of alcohol who got bored just being in his realm, sells stranded drinks for cheep and high quality drink for exorbitant prices, can cure hangovers for a price.
23	Chime - This kenku is the owner and operator of Three Crows tavern/inn. The main drink is made in house and is called the three crows. Upon taking the first drink of a freshly poured Three Crows the drinker feels a burp coming but when they open their mouth to burp they let out three caws (bird sounds) the bigger the drink you take the louder the caws should be, the smaller the sip the more quiet. Chime being a Kenku and having difficulty with communication has signs all around his tavern, not just menu/room and board, but also common sayings and phrases that he’ll point to when he doesn’t feel like interacting Backstory Chime a retired Pirate, he was The first mate to the famous Captain Dread. He retired after he was injured in a battle with the Royal Navy.
24	Littlebob Mancoon is a retired (from adventuring) halfling rogue with prison tattoos on his face. Barrel chested and rather tall for a halfling, he has a dead pan sense of humor but always raises one eyebrow when he's joking. Deep voiced, he is a quick talker who says "ya ya" and "no ya" alot. Always a gambler, he won this tavern called the Way Way in a high stakes game of Kiriki while incarcerated. He has a special where you roll 2 dice and are served drinks according to the outcome. If you roll a 1 and a 2 it's on the house. He also charges half price for those that order in thieves cant.
25	Vorrakas Crixush - Red dragonborn paladin-turned-mercenary-turned tavern owner. Despite suffering great tragedy in his life, he is a stern, yet friendly and fatherly figure. A life-time of adventuring has made him a veritable font of wisdom on the subject, and many up-and-coming adventurers come to him for advice. Runs the Red Fang tavern and inn with his old friend and sworn-brother, the dwarf Hjolthrun Bronzeheart. Mess with his wait staff at your peril. Don't mess with his adoptive drow daughter if you wish to live a long life.
26	Casémone Cosmone - A grey-skinned, brown-haired and ram-horned retired Lyre-playing Bard that runs a feywild-style tavern and claims himself to be a Faun. Drinks and dishes are named after imaginary feywild herbs, shrooms and berries, and tables are engraved with rings to make them look like tree stumps. Truth of the matter is he is simply a Tiefling that looks vaguely Faun-like and attempts to use this as a trick to get customers. Locals are usually aware of this, but an unassuming stranger may find themselves tricked. Despite knowing the trick, locals still come for the unique atmosphere and Casémone's bright smile and relentless dedication to the facade.
27	Hjolthrun Bronzeheart - Dwarven ex-mercenary, now part-owner and brewmaster of the Red Fang tavern and inn. A jolly old soul always willing to share a few tales to anyone who asks. Spends his days experimenting with new types of alcoholic drinks, from making wine from watermelons to trying to recreate an old recipe that includes slime from a gelatinous cube. His most prized possession is a reinforced dwarven adamantine beer stein his calls Fimbul'kheled (Great Mug). Mess with his wait staff are your peril. Don't mess with his drow sworn-niece if you wish to live a long life.
28	Aialla, a human bard who failed to make it in the big city and now runs an inn focused on performances. This way she can play all she wants. She's not amazing but not horrible either. Here anyone can play or read. In fact you need to perform or the price of your meal is doubled. What you perform is up to you, but each customer must do something on stage to get the discount.
29	Angus Throwbeard - a surly dwarf that walks around on stilts, making him seven and a half foot tall.
30	Dirk Prophet- Assimar Bartender with a love of spiced and mulled drinks. He stands at 6'5" and has golden hair with silver freckles. The most popular drink he makes is called Celestials call, it is 3 part vodka, one part berry juice, bitters and a sprinkling of mint and spices and a touch of silver dust. A retired bard he has his lute about the bar and can sometimes be caught playing on slow nights.
31	Boogle the Gnome - He has a pack of weasels that help him tend the bar.
32	Fizz the Kenku - who repeats your order back in your own voice. The "Fizz" is literally the sound of a sudsy beer being poured.
33	Father Endros - Tends bar at a location run by the local church. He and his fellow monks brew beer in the name of their diety.
34	Misty Spring - A hard as nails half elf who was raised by a nature loving human parent and now hates that lifestyle, almost as much as she hates her name. She hasn't left the confines of the city she lives in for years.
35	Floria - A sweet halfling barkeep who just wants to be everyone's mother. She has her regular's meals waiting for them when they clock out of their shifts. She is VERY attentive with her patrons.
36	Umlog and Nevell aka "the beauty and the beast". Umlog is a literal troll, yet an extraordinary one. He's as intelligent as a troll can be and actually not a bad fellow. He is well read and has particularly deep knowlegde of local laws. He acquired his tavern in a remote deal via an exchange of letters. No one knew a troll was the buyer, before the deal was done. People in this area -close to the feywoods- are very keen on honoring deals and contracts and thus, somewhat begrudgingly abstained from gathering their torches and pitchforks. The success of the "Green side of Life" -that's the name of the tavern- is not only based on Umlog's craftiness, though. A nymph named Nevell works in the tavern at the side of Umlog. She is hospitality personified, a skilled chef, baker and singer. Nobody except them seems to know how they ended up together, but they run a really homely place in a village on the edge of civilization.
37	Pierce "Ears" Moldun, a balding human with normal sized, non-pierced ears, is the owner of Sweet Relethe. He is always looking down, at the drink he is pouring, the bar he is polishing, or the food he is cooking. He is a man of few words. Tell him, "Ears, I need to give away a story," and leave a proper sum on the bar. You will know what his service is worth if you truly need it. It may be expensive, but rarely more than one can pay. The price is different for every story, but if you do not offer enough, he will know after a quick glance at you. He will shake his head and continue with his work. If your coin is sufficient, he will nod his head, then get the dark blue bottle down from the top shelf. Slowly. Carefully. The bottle is beautifully made, but you find yourself unable to describe it apart from the color. He will pour a tiny shot, small as a thimble, before replacing the bottle and pulling you a beer to go with it. He will tell you that it's best to drop the shot in the beer then drink it slowly as you tell your story. It is best to trust him on this. As you begin your story, he will look up at you with eyes the same color as the bottle, and you will not be able to look away. He will listen intently as you tell your story, and as the words pass your lips they will also pass out of your memory. The regulars say that even if someone is sitting right next to you, they will not hear a word, just the quiet mumbling of a slow moving river. You will leave Sweet Relethe no longer possessed by your story, not in the slightest upset at your expenditure, and quick to recommend Ears of Sweet Relethe to anyone who seems in need of his service.
38	Ripzicki Papqat - Gnomish owner of "The Shimmer and Shine," Rip is known for drinks that pack a punch stronger than their small size lets on. An accomplished but eccentric alchemist, Rip has taken to testing out the effects of his drinks at his inn.
39	Shanassa the Viridescent - Dryad owner of "The Cornicopia," Shanassa's inn is actually a tree magically manipulated to house guests. Unfortunately, she had to close down the tables balanced on branches until she could figure out how to get drunk customers to stop falling off.
40	Arthur "Art" Igneous Ficer - Art is a an average sized fellow with sallow skin and sunken eyes. To give you an idea of his general appearance: despite owning a bar and inn for travelers, it looks like Art is the one that really could use some rest. But Art is a pleasant man with a passion for magically enchanted items. He gladly will talk to any traveler with such an item about the item. He finds it all fascinating. He will tell you that he used to dabble a little, but he couldn't find too many volunteers. So, he opened a bar and inn, and that pays pretty well. He keeps the price low, and that keeps travelers coming in. If you decide to stay for the night, all weapons need to be left in his care before you head up to your rooms. He's had too many drunken fights break out in the dormitory area, he will tell you. For any party member that blacks out at the bar or decides to stay the night, the DM must roll a D4 when the party member checks out of the inn. You see, Art never did give up his love of magic item creation, and he is desperately working on figuring out how to enchant weapons and items in a single night. DM rolled a 4? Surprise! An item of yours, at the DM's choosing, has acquired a properly functioning effect, also of your DM's choosing! Rolled a 3? Well, it's the same as 4, except the DM will also roll a 1d10 on your every use/attack, and a 1 will mean that your item misfired in wild magic (DM's choice). A 2? Oof. Well, it is the same as rolling a 3, except your item is completely unmagical except for the 1d10 chance of wild magic. And if the DM rolls a 1, then you were significantly robbed of either money or an item. Making magical weapons and items costs a lot, after all, and Art has a bit of rogue in him, it seems. Also, for any night a party member stays at the inn, there is a 1d6 chance of an unsatisfactorily explained small fire breaking out overnight. The following morning after such a fire, Art normally looks a little worse for wear.
41	Judy Krom - Owner of the Dog's Ear Inn, she learned a spell of invisibility to "clean up messes". most patrons are none the wiser but casting a spell to see invisible things reveals that the cups and bar top are coated with years of dirt and grime. The town isn't really sure why people are getting so sick all the time but the bar is always packed because Judy is such a charismatic person. She'll tell you stories for hours, but none of them are true.
42	Will Hornton - This bar called The Screaming Pickle has been in his family for 5 generations. People come from miles around for his pickle hooch. He never married and has no son to pass the bar to and it's getting late in his years. However, the business has slowed since the latest news of the campaign has scared customers off and he isn't sure he will have had anything to pass on to a kin anyway.
43	Abigail Turnsprout - A jolly halfling who is an avid gardener. She spices her drinks with unique herbs grown in her garden just behind her tavern, The Tipsy Turnip. Her prized Top Shelf Brew has a secret recipe of herbs and spices that many have tried and failed to obtain.
44	Tally- an older, buff halfling woman who speaks with a country accent and repeatedly calls the players "honey." Used to be an adventurer and tells stories of the fights she once found herself in.
45	Bob, Jim, and Clyde- three gnomes in a trenchcoat. They all have completely different personalities, opinions of different races, and pricing. They go by whatever the name is of the gnome whose head is on top that day!
46	Oldeye Jasper - An elderly human with one white lazy eye. He's warm and inviting to people who come into his bar, but if you let him, he'll talk to you for hours about his conspiracy theories like Lizardfolk secretly running the kingdom, or Fey leaving changelings in place of local children, and the mayor being secretly a swarm of pixies in disuse. But these are just the ramblings of an old man. Right?...
47	Sweeps - An animated broomstick that serves drinks and cleans the tavern 24/7. This would be extremely advantageous if he weren't so incredibly clumsy. He was made by the previous owner and now the current owners don't know how to get rid of him.
48	Sloppy' Joe Reznar. A Half Orc who earned his nickname for often being drunker than his customers.
49	Tivali - A female tabaxi with 5 young kids all the same age who love roaming around the tables asking adventurers tons of questions. They will sometimes place wagers or entertain for money in order to compete with their siblings for who can make the most money in one night. If they were to ever get into trouble, Tivali would suddenly be there scooping them into her arms. She's a racing champion who's known to be able to run faster than a falcon can fly.
50	The Tavern - There is no tavern keeper because this magical tavern is it's own keeper. Food appears on tables seconds after ordering it, and all you must do to pay is toss coins onto the wooden floor which immediately disappear without even a sound. There are no rooms available in this tavern, it is simply for enjoyment only. Those who forget to pay the bill tend do go missing the next day...
51	Amie, Aedricks, and Harlen. Triplets who’ve inherited a tavern. They are a Human, Elf, and Half-Elf and the Human and Elf are always feuding, leaving the Half-Elf to mediate. When the heroes arrive, the two are in such a bad fight, it must be resolved before the party can rest there for the night.
52	Elane of Juunvanfel. She is a young bartender, daughter of the ancient bartender who was a mythomaniac. Everyone knows it, but He was harmless. He was saying he was a prince of a far away land called Juunvanfel, but no one believe him. Elane talk about it with a lot of humour, and there's no chance she is really a princess. But she is really kind and charismatic, and everyone in town called her Little Queen. (if you want the lie to be true, why not!)
53	Drubogg. An orc (or half-orc) who was a raider in the past. After 15 years of jail, the local authority had free him with mercy. One of the tavern in the town was dying because the bartender was very sick, and Drubogg help him to run his business. Since 3 year, this impressive orc are a meticulous bartender and the town seems to accept him quit gently, even with his violent past. He take care of the previous bartender with a cold, but sincere kindness.
54	Jomag and Marsia. A couple who run the tavern since 20 years. The love between them is still joyful. But sometimes, they seems to be quit melancholic. If the players want to know something about it, the bartenders don't want to spread the information. But the customers will respond : they suffer they can't have children. Maybe, if one day the PCs find an orphan, they can make them very happy.
55	One-Day-He. A clever halfling who is a sorcerer who had change his name to make a contract with a powerful, but naive, Wealth Spirit. After 10 years of labor in this tavern, he will have access to an impressive amount of gold. Technically, he trade his soul... but the contract say "One-day-he will give me his soul after he receive the gold.". He's very happy and boastful about that. Maybe he's not so clever, because it's obvious for the PCs that all rogue people in town just wait the day who One-Day-He will receive the gold to steal him. Maybe the Wealth Spirit is vexed to had been so naive, and will exchange the soul of One-Day-He with a lot of gold? Who knows!
56	Holt - A man in his mid thirties whos never left the town- and doesn't intend to. He knows everyone, and everyone knows him, and seems to owe him a favor. He's always willing to help out, going to great lengths to do so, and is very warm and welcoming to all in his tavern. The patrons of his tavern return his favors, and as such he holds many regular customers, many of who will jumpy quick to stop a destructive bar fight.
57	Nora Durthane and Agnes Baumann, a dwarf and human couple. Agnes keeps the ledger, walking through the tavern room like a queen through court, greeting every patron with a smile. Nora runs the kitchens, providing hearty fare for adventurers and locals. Their tiefling son helps run the bar and remove belligerent patrons.
58	Trish One-Eye - Owner and operator of the rickety old dive bar down by the docks. An old woman with a red embroidered eyepatch and short grey hair. She secretly can talk to rodents, and so can be an excellent source of rumors and information, if you get on her good side. Serves a spicy 'meat stew' which may or may not be made of cat. Will tell lewd jokes and talk shit about her ex-girlfriends if you get her drunk.
59	Eigen Renn: A tall, heavily built human with a smirking smile and an exceptionally loud laugh. Always knows just what to say to break up a fight or set up favorite patrons for romance. Full of stories, most of which are obvious lies that you can't help but half believe. Remembers everyone's first name, their drink, their birthday, their type, and their misadventures (which he will happily and loudly relate to the entire bar--but all in good fun). Ruddy faced, with scant blond hair and tired, grey-blue eyes. He brags that he is son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a fallen princess and a tavern keeper. He isn't. He also isn't Eigen Renn. In another time and a distant country he had another name, the name of a slave trader notorious for his charm and cunning. He dealt in "specialties:" finding just the right slave for your particular, and highly expensive taste. Children, oddities, half-breeds, even sentient monsters were all his trade. Rumor says he once sold a nobleman his own son after faking the boy's death. Another says he sold two rivals to each other, then sold both to a particularly inventive necromancer. Nothing was beneath him, and no one was beyond his reach. An elaborate magical ruse allowed him to escape his old life (with pockets full of gold and magical protections for his "retirement"), he now amuses himself playing tavern keeper and practicing his own slaver's skills by manipulating the lives of his clients. Whether his enemies find him again--and if they do whether he is worth saving--is up to you.
60	Bart Keep - an irresponsible innkeeper who runs a shoddy tavern. The food and drinks are low quality, brawls happen too often, a lot of stuff get stolen, and one time a pack of rats invaded the tavern. And he never notices because he says that he's busy with 'other things'. And when he means other things, he means looking at erotic literature and pleasuring himself. No wonder no one even bothered to shut down his tavern yet.
61	Alice Bob - An innkeeper of a tavern with a horrible reputation who tries her hardest to make her tavern better, and yet she only makes things worse. Turns out that the tavern is cursed by a witch after Alice refused to serve her, thus cursing the tavern with bad luck.
62	Xaero Xsisth: A lizardfolk woman, exiled in her youth from her tribe for being highly intelligent, which lizardfolk generally shun. Growing up in the shadows and alleys of a grand city, she learned how to cook, bake, brew and serve by observation. Asking her any question about tribal life may cause her to have an emotional breakdown. Xaero loves hearing tales of daring and adventure and if the story is good enough, she may just let you have a snack for free!
63	Jasmine Mcaull - A blue macaw parrot aarokocroa who serves up any rum-based drink with a song and a smile. She often requests bards to try their hand at playing salsa music in her tavern and is known to give a couple of unsolicited tips to the adventurers that seem to appreciate the unusual music. Her tavern stands out for its bright colors and attempts at island decor.
64	Torin Pliedes - A solicitous satyr who spends half his time behind the bar and half his time tormenting the serving wenches. He has a permanent "Help Wanted" sign in the window as he's a cruddy boss and most don't tolerate his attentions for long. He's so preoccupied that half the time he pours the beer but doesn't collect the money he's owed.
65	Falstaff Argon - A stout half-orc who boasts about his accomplishments as an adventurer and proudly displays his war axe on an ebony plaque behind the bar. He challenges adventurers to take the bigger jobs and bigger hunts if he hears them deliberating in his tavern. He was injured badly in his last adventure and decided only then to retire, though it is clear he misses the life. He pays nobly for a good stag or boar and is known to post hunts of unusual creatures that plague the area.
66	Grimm - This tavern is actually run by a number of different people and the main bartender switches out every single day to an entirely new person - but behind the scenes, it’s just a single changeling practicing their acting.
67	Illia the Wise: A handsome dwarf woman, Illia is actually Illixthalix, an adult Gold Dragon who is locked in her dwarf form due to a run-in with a Fey spirit decades ago. Became a tavern keeper initially to keep her ear to the ground to try and find someone who could break the curse, but has found that she quite likes living amongst mortals. The local government is aware of her true draconic nature, and she has a tense agreement to advise them on matters concerning dragons, historical events, and magic items in exchange for them not causing her trouble. She can temporarily assume her true form, but doing so causes a good deal of discomfort and she is unable to hold the form for longer than a few moments (quite long enough to intimidate unruly patrons to settle down however). Is THE expert on the architecture and infrastructure of the now-nonexistant country of Grecciyn and has authored four books on the subject.
68	Talensvar - Talensvar is a highly civilized ogre who dresses eloquently every night and keeps an immaculate establishment. The servers are all well-dressed, well-spoken and polite. Some are half-orcs, and some of the kitchen staff and plate clears dishwashers etc are goblins as well as human. It's a high-end inn. my game talents are lost two of his friends under mysterious circumstances in a battle and will pay adventurers to find them. He is well spoken polite tolerant, everything you don't expect an ogre to be. However he doesn't put up with any nonsense, except from a friend of his who's a local hedge wizard, who will be happy to join a party just for some pay at the end of it. He uses spells that often spectacularly fail, usually with somewhat comic but not too harmful results.
69	Rondo “Double Dizzy” Thimblebottom: A retired Gnome Ranger Beastmaster who hung up his adventuring cap after his lifelong friend and pet Giant Badger, Dizzy, was slain in combat. He’s now the proprietor of Dizzy’s Pub, a dive-y but well-loved pub by locals who come to hear Rondo recount tales of his adventuring days, some comical, some downright frightening. A giant painting (by gnome standards, it’s only 60”x48”) of Dizzy curled up resting under a tree is adorned above a fireplace in the pub.
70	Gina and Reyna, Gina is a kenku woman who owns the tavern and helps run it if the party has any questions she will point to Reyna her adopted daughter and tell them 'Ask Reyna'. Reyna is a half eleven girl that is 19 she has been teaching Gina how to talk more and is more then willing to answer any of the party's questions.
71	Tolbin Shortwick, a halfling rouge who speaks thieves' cant and has a few drugs and basic potions that you can get if you speak thieves' cant to him. There are investigations on people getting robbed at other taverns and with further investigation you will learn it was Tolbin or if you speak thieves' cant Tolbin will tell you it was him.
72	Chopper - A half-orc who cultivates rumors that they chop off body parts of those who dont pay their tab. They keep a few bottles on display with fingers and toes preserved inside, and have a ritual requiring those who want to start a tab, "Kiss the Toe" by taking a drink from one of the bottles. Truth is, Chopper secretly knows a Gravedigger who can procure parts, no questions asked.
73	Sweet Leaves - A small treant. The only type of alcohol that's served in their establishment is a special kind of Kirsch. This is because Sweet Leaves makes all their alcohol with their own cherries. As a result, Sweet Leaves' tavern is small but popular to a small group interested in the Kirsch.
74	Virtus Swifttail - A slightly overweight centaur in his late 20s who decided that he preferred city life over the nomadic life of his former tribe. While he's chatty and provides good service, he often ends up bumping things accidentally with his horse half.
75	Barrus Fymar - A large human man who's in his early 60s who towers over most of his guests. He used to be a paladin adventurer, but he lost his sword arm during a battle with a nightwalker and retired to become a tavern keep. He still displays the magical greatsword he used on his journey inside his tavern, but it's now unusable by him.
76	Sinead, Iron Golem operator of J.J. Killahans - Sinead was originally conjured as a bouncer for the rowdy establishment. The original owner, J.J., left the bar to Sinead in his will. Sinead runs the bar, though hospitality is often beyond her reach. She plays the same 3 tavern songs on a 15 minute loop, as 15 minutes is more than adequate time for a customer to consume their drink (and promptly leave).
77	Silent Joey is abnormal because he's, well, silent. Normally this would be an unacceptable obstacle for a bartender, but Joey is a master drink-maker and surprisingly good at interacting with customers. He's a very good listener, too.
78	Greenscarf Tabitha has the power of appearance-changing but can't control it. She wears a green scarf so others can identify her, as it's anyone guess what face you'll see when you walk in each evening.
79	Malamenmar is a polite and talkative guy who runs a quiet inn on a mountain road. But once a month a mysterious man comes into the bar and Malamenmar drops everything to cater to this guy. If pressed he will reply that the man is a very dear friend and he values his comfort highly.
80	Ranold & Ezra Nikos are brothers. Outgoing Ranold tends bar, reserved Ezra handles the supplies and finances. The strange thing is that the two are never seen in the same place at once.
81	A blind bartender that doesn’t realize his formerly-white rag is dirtying the glasses, but he still keeps perfect track of who orders what.
82	Kurdran Brewhammer - This Dwarf is the last remaining Brewhammer, legendary brewers that were known far and wide for a huge variety of beers. Kurdran is a retired adventurer who loves battle and action. He has a tall orange mohawk and a big bushy beard and is extremely proud of his family heritage. He's very friendly and loves to tell tales of his various adventures, but if provoked he is a fierce barbarian. With a swig of beer, he's ready to brawl!
83	Captain Andor Gray is the innkeeper of Sparrow's Rest. He was the captain of the Night Wind, a smuggling ship, but is now earning a mostly honest living. He retired after a shipwreck that killed most of his crew. He still keeps "Pickle", a green parrot, who can usually be found in the common room. The bird will squawk "awk stay outta the grog awk" whenever someone refills their mug from the cask that Gray keeps out, free for the sailors who can't afford better. You can almost always find a fence buying goods there (no questions asked), and rumors say there's a hidden tunnel from the cellar that leads under the city wall to an abandoned quarry.
84	Joost is the friendly innkeeper of the Crown and Crescent inn. He's either a very tall dwarf, or maybe a half-dwarf (no one's sure, and he won't say). He has rust-colored hair and a braided beard, which he tucks into his apron.
85	Kósh is the half-orc innkeeper of the Outside Inn, just outside the city of Redcliff. He named it, but he doesn't really get the joke. Surprisingly, the inn does good business, even though it has few amenities except for a large stable and a good location if you're just passing through the city.
86	Zhirella is the attractive female half-elf innkeeper (and madame) of the Golden Bush tavern. It's very popular for its high-class courtesans.
87	Egan 'Rusty' Ironmane is the dwarf innkeeper of the Silver Eel Tavern. He was formerly a fisherman and before that a soldier.
88	Hard'ach "Hardy" Sl'avis - A dragonborn with the mannerisms of a dwarf, he inherited his tavern from his grandfather, Sil'bahn. He has a knack for making spicy meals for his patrons, and is quite a friend to make, knowing all of the goings-on in the town.
89	Cressida and Corinth Vor Haishen - a Dwarven couple with an adopted minotaur for a son far taller than either of them. They'll give you a discount if you can tell their son a story that'll keep him entertained for a bit, and want your input on where to send such a curious young boy to learn more. An academy, a monastery, they want input!
90	Skaesgolr the Tired - Skaesgolr the Tired of the Uthgardt will tolerate near enough anything, a fair fight is welcome, but assassins and thieves are not. He has much pride, and still believes he honours Uthgar, both with his past, and his present. His greatest achievement, a Giant sized great axe, it can be seen broken and damaged, hung in it’s ruined majesty on the rear wall above the bar. Anyone who challenges his idea or faith in his God will be challenged to a fight and/or be made to leave. Growing tired of finding the next great challenge, he claims that if Uthgar wants him to die in some great battle, it will have to find him - here he will wait... warm, well fed, with a belly fully of ale and a sack full of silver.
91	Molly Rexxen - A red-headed human female who always wears a bandana over her hair. She's a retired high level fighter who was once a soldier, and was ridiculed because she was a woman amongst the guard. When her city was surprised attacked by a neighboring band of monsters, she devised a plan and led the charge that protected the city with no casualties. After this, she turned down a promotion and quit to build her tavern and create an adventuring guild.
92	Modeus Jackson - a retired high level bard who runs "The Pocket" Inn. Often humming as he works and any action he does seems to follow the rhythm to an unheard song. In fact anyone who stays in "The Pocket" for long enough will find their actions more rhyrhmic than usual, joining in a symphony of synchronized cultery clanking, mastication, foot tapping under harmonising musical conversations and even melodious arguments. Modeus takes extra delight in serving Bard patrons who bring their own instruments and will offer discounts and advice in return for a quick performance.
93	Krall Razorthorn - Former half-orc warrior turned tavern owner, he exchanged his armor for a tuxedo. He runs a high class tavern called The Silk Sheik Tavern, specializing in dainty cocktails and high end drinks.
94	Borgrarg - Having amassed a fortune adventuring, this dwarf opened Drink. The tavern hasn't make so much as a copper piece in 4 years. He's been drunk all this time giving away drinks to anyone who walks in the door. Lucky for him, he's located in a small village, now known for its sobriety.
95	Marty Oggbin - smallish, middle-aged human, with a slight hunch on his back. Born and raised locally. Marty is forever the optimist and mysteriously manages to spin any traveler's downtrodden tale. He often gives away food to those most in need.
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No rockets, no GME, no AMC.
- Share Facts -

• FuboTV, ticker FUBO
• IV: Around 200% this morning on puts expiring Feb-12th
• FUBO earnings date: Estimated to be Feb 5th March 2nd - It was estimated to be Feb 5th by my broker, but news came out after I wrote the original DD that results will be issued March 2nd
• Share Float: 52.06M (as per Yahoo Finance)
• Short % of Float: 72.74% (as of Jan 15th, as per Yahoo Finance)
  • I mention this because FUBO was heavily shorted when the stock rose in the $60’s, and unfortunately shorters succeeded in crashing the price.

​

• Market Cap: $2.85 B

My position

• Account #1 (Boomer account): 38 shares @ approx. $31 (risk management at play, I'd like to invest more, but it's at the upper limit of how much I'm willing to put in one individual position)
• Account #2 (Theta Gang account): 100 shares @ approx $43 bought this morning, and sold a covered call at $55 strike for $6.10 for Feb-12th. I'm sure I'll regret it, but the yield on both the call itself, and the potential yield if I get called away for downright phenomenal, hard to turn down. Again, I would've done more, but risk management dictates my upper limit for individual stock exposure.

- The DD -
What is FuboTV?
Mama Wood said it herself (paraphrasing here): Cable is dying, to hell with cable, we want MOAR STREAMING!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, cable and television plans are dying. Nowadays you have a ton of flexible solutions, from the obvious Netflix and YouTube, to Amazon Prime, Sling TV, Hulu, etc. FUBO is capitalizing on this trend for sports fans. It is the country's first sports-first service. While the price might seem steep, it gives you access to dozens of regional, national and international sports channels, including live events in 4K HDR.
Beyond sports, it offers much more; 112 channels in total, including 43 of the top 50 Nielson-rated networks (Nielson is an American information, data and market measurement firm operating in over 100 countries and employing 44,000 people (says Wikipedia, I’m too retarded to do more research on them). Sample non-sports related channels on FUBO include: A&E, Adult Swim, AMC, BBC America, Bravo, Comedy Central, Nickelodeon, etc. Yes, they even have the Weather Network.
Recent acquisitions:
No DD of a hyper fast growing company would be complete without discussing acquisitions.

• Vigtory: The company is in the process of acquiring and integrating Vigtory Inc to the platform. Vigtory is a sportsbook (sports betting). It will also remain available to those not using FuboTV (aka: additional revenues, but also additional marketing for FuboTV)
• Balto: Balto develops tools for users to organize and play fantasy sports games, and FuboTV intends to combine its technology with Balto to launch a free-to-play gaming offering.

Some numbers (yes, the quant stuff):
Average revenue per user (ARPU) has gone from $37.93 per month in 2019, to $53.73 in 2019, and to $67.70 in the latest quarter. In contrast, it’s average monthly cost per user has risen from $40.59 in 2018 to $56.78 in the last quarter. Yes, they were obviously operating at a loss, and yes they are now operating at a positive contribution profit. As of the latest quarter, they had 455,000 paid subcribers. Grand news, yes?
Q3 results, and guidance for Q4:
Spoiler alert: The numbers are fantastic.

• Q3: Revenues of $61.2 million, an increase of close to 50% on a YoY basis.
  • Breaking revenues down: Subscription revenues up by 64% at $53.4 million, and advertising revenues up by 153% at $7.5 million
  • Paid subscribers increased by 58% on a YoY basis, and ARPU increased by 14% on a YOY basis. See here the meteoric rise. Sexy, ain’t it?
  • Hours spent watching FuboTV also skyrocketed, an increase of 83% YoY (133.3 million hours). Monthly Active Users watched on average 120h per month. This is a 20% increase YoY
• Q4 guidance: Spoiler alert: They raised their guidance mid quarter because they are so bloody awesome
  • Q4 revenue to be expected between $94 to $98 million, prior guidance was $80 to $85 million. The new guidance represents a 77% to 84% YoY revenue increase
  • Paid subscribers to be expected to exceed 545,000, prior guidance was 500k to 510k. The new guidance represents a 72% YoY increase.

What now?
Sure, they are not profitable yet. Big whoop, they are still young, FuboTV was founded in 2015. But you know what? It took ages for Netflix to become profitable (about 7 or 8 years, I believe). The way FUBO is growing their paid subscribers base, and the way the hours are increasing YoY, we can expect them to reach profitability sooner rather than later. When? I don’t have a crystal ball, if I do I’d be a billionaire. We can expect that as they continue to scale up and add more users, they will continue to increase their advertisement revenues (duh), and also that their cost of new client acquisition will become lower (also duh)
What are the risks?

• For FUBO to thrive and grow, they need live sports. COVID dented their growth due to professional sports suspending seasons. If we go into another massive lockdown (less and less likely as vaccines ever so slowly roll out), this could cause another dent in their growth.
• It’s still heavily shorted, as the price continues to go up (especially if they smash their guidance), expect some shady shit GME-style from hedge funds to bring the price down.

TLDR: Awesome growth potential, heavily shorted (not at the GME scale, but still heavily shorted so you need to be mindful of that and potential WSB attention to the stock, or potential shady business from shorters).

The Undoing of China’s Economic Miracle
The country’s paramount leader is turning away from reforms that helped it grow and develop. That will have consequences beyond its borders.
MICHAEL SCHUMAN
JANUARY 11, 2021
China’s economic “miracle” wasn’t that miraculous. The country’s high-octane ascent over the past 40 years is, in reality, a triumph of basic economic principles: As the state gave way to the market, private enterprise and trade flourished, growth quickened, and incomes soared.
This simple lesson appears, however, to be lost on Xi Jinping. China’s leader is rejecting decades of tried-and-true policy by reasserting the power of the Communist Party within the economy and redirecting Chinese business inward. Indeed, faced with escalating hostility in Washington, Xi’s pivot seems, if anything, to be accelerating—with potentially serious consequences for China’s economic progress, and its relations with the world.
True, Xi isn’t completely drop-kicking free enterprise and free trade. In November, he told the G20 summit that China’s new economic agenda “is by no means a closed-door policy” and “will create more opportunities for the world to benefit from China’s high-quality development.” Beijing also recently joined the Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership, a 15-nation pact that created a trading bloc with about a third of the world’s population. Hua Chunying, the spokesperson for China’s foreign ministry, hailed it as “a reflection of the commitment to free trade & multilateral trading system.”
But the picture looks much murkier if you’re Jack Ma, China’s tech-entrepreneur grand master. Regulators squelched what would have been a record-breaking initial public offering of Ma’s fintech giant, Ant Group, a mere two days before its November debut on the Shanghai and Hong Kong Stock Exchanges. The official reason they offered was an altered regulatory environment, but there is widespread concern that Chinese authorities were punishing Ma for criticizing their oversight of the finance industry. Xi reportedly made the call himself. (Beijing subsequently launched an antitrust investigation into Ma’s other creation, the e-commerce company Alibaba Group.) Days later, another prominent entrepreneur, Sun Dawu, was detained for “provoking quarrels and disrupting production,” and the government seized his agriculture company. Sun, who has sometimes been critical of the government, may have been targeted over a land dispute with a state-owned farm.
Jerome Cohen, a longtime expert in Chinese law, has worried on his blog that these actions could signal “a new central campaign to curb the political and economic power of major private entrepreneurs who refuse to follow the central Party line in every respect.” That rings true based on Xi’s efforts to tighten his grip on private enterprise. In a document issued in September, the Communist Party said it aimed to “guide” private companies to “explore the establishment of a modern enterprise system with Chinese characteristics.” The “opinion” of the party is that its cadres ought to have more influence over the management decisions of private firms, to ensure that they adhere firmly to the correct, state-determined line.
Things weren’t supposed to happen this way. Deng Xiaoping, one of Xi’s predecessors, who launched China’s now-famous pro-market reforms in the late 1970s, understood that the country was destitute because it was strangled by the Communist state and cut off from the world. Deng and his successors steadily lifted controls on private investment, trade, and foreign business. Unfettered by overbearing state planners, China’s entrepreneurial energies, mixed with imported capital and technology, unleashed an explosion of growth and wealth.
When Xi took power in 2012, he initially appeared to be following the by then well-trod road of reform. In late 2013, a Communist Party plenum issued an economic blueprint that had many economists and businesspeople convinced that big change was afoot. And change did come, just not the kind they expected.
Though Xi has occasionally implemented market reforms—the financial sector has been opened more widely to foreign investors and firms, for instance—overall, he has shown a preference for the very visible hand of the state. His administration has gushed financial aid to a wide range of high-tech industries, including microchips and electric cars. Nicholas Lardy, a senior fellow at the Peterson Institute for International Economics, notes that state-owned enterprises are gobbling up a larger proportion of vital resources, such as bank loans, while the share of national output generated by private companies is no longer expanding as it once had. “The surge of the private sector has come to end,” he told me.
Perhaps Xi believes that the industries targeted for state support are too important to be left to the unpredictable free market. Perhaps he thinks that a heftier role for the state could help firm his hold over party and government. “He wanted more control, and he thought having a big state sector was an element of achieving that,” Lardy explained.
Xi could also be motivated by fear and distrust. Since the days of Deng, the mantra of Beijing’s top policy makers had been “reform and opening up,” which stressed integration with the global economy. Xi, however, wants to limit that integration, or at least engage with the wider world on different terms. China, of course, will still sell you all kinds of stuff and happily take your money. But Xi wishes to reduce China’s reliance on other countries, especially potential adversaries such as the United States. From Beijing’s perspective, the Trump administration’s restrictions on technology sales to the telecom giant Huawei Technologies and other Chinese outfits exposed the dangers of counting on untrustworthy foreigners, and Xi intends to ensure that China’s advance can’t be upset by politicians in Washington or elsewhere.
Thus Xi’s priorities have turned inward. “He is feeling under siege,” James McGregor, the chairman of the China arm of the consulting firm APCO Worldwide, told me. Chinese officials “are eliminating all vulnerabilities to the outside world, or reducing them as much as they can.
Xi’s new strategy, something he calls “dual circulation,” splits Beijing’s economic worldview in two—a domestic focus on companies in China making stuff for Chinese consumers, and an international one on the country’s exchange with the outside. How this concept will work in reality is not entirely clear, but it signals a shift in China’s economic relations with the rest of the world. Beijing previously fused domestic reform and globalization into a powerful engine of development. Now it is hinting at intensified stress on strengthening the domestic economy to bolster China against an uncertain and potentially more hostile global environment.
In certain respects, this may not be a bad thing: For years, economists have been barking at Beijing that its economy’s growth would be healthier if it relied more on Chinese consumption than investment or exports. But this change may also mean China will engage in foreign trade and investment in ways that support this agenda. In other words, China will stay open for business—if that business helps protect its own interests.
This dovetails nicely with another of Xi’s goals, self-sufficiency. China, he believes, should produce homemade substitutes to key products now bought from overseas—especially microchips and other critical technologies. To protect national security, China needs “independent, controllable, safe, and reliable” supply chains, Xi said in an April speech, with “at least one alternative source for key products and supply channels, to create a necessary industrial backup system.” Localizing technology has been a long-standing Chinese ambition, but China watchers think Xi has thrown that plan into hyperdrive.
Xi’s refashioning of the economy has room to run. His government is preparing a “corporate social credit” system, paralleling one designed for Chinese citizens. In theory, it’s supposed to rein in polluters, tax cheats, and other corporate scoundrels. In practice, it’s seen as yet another state tool to intrude on private managers. Government bosses “have a strong sense that they are not controlling these guys enough,” Joerg Wuttke, the president of the European Union Chamber of Commerce in China, told me. All of this adds up to a grand experiment in the kind of state-directed development unseen since the days of Mao Zedong.
Classically trained economists frown upon Xi’s program. He’s ticking just about every box of what not to do to propel incomes and innovation. Yet we shouldn’t immediately dismiss his plans as doomed to fail. As a gargantuan market of 1.4 billion people, China can develop local companies of size and scope without bothering much with the outside world. (Ma’s Ant is a prime example.) If the program works, economists may have to rewrite their textbooks.
Yet the undertaking is fraught with risks. By favoring the state sector, Xi is funneling valuable money and talent to notoriously bloated and inefficient government enterprises instead of far more nimble and creative private firms. The negative effect shows up in miserably poor productivity—a disaster for an aging society still catching up with the richest nations—and mounting debt, now nearly three times the size of national output.
In an October report, Julian Evans-Pritchard, an economist at the research firm Capital Economics, dubbed the self-sufficiency drive a “lose-lose” for China’s economy, because it diverts resources from more productive purposes and forces firms to choose suppliers for political, not economic, reasons. “Pursuing self-sufficiency may still be rational as a form of insurance against aggressive decoupling by the U.S. and its allies,” he wrote. “But China’s economy would be better off if such insurance weren’t needed in the first place.”
Xi appears to be betting on the insurance, and that has huge implications for the incoming Biden administration. Clearly, Xi is preparing for protracted conflict between the world’s two largest economies by attempting to fireproof China from measures President-elect Joe Biden might use against him. Yet in doing so, he is also repositioning the Chinese economy in the world.
The U.S. supported Beijing’s economic reforms based on the hope that as China grew richer, everyone would benefit from its greater prosperity and security. But if Xi succeeds in replacing more of what China purchases from the world, he will also undermine the economic rationale for continued engagement with a brutal authoritarian regime. Xi thinks he is shielding China against isolation. He could instead be causing it.
MICHAEL SCHUMAN is the author of Superpower Interrupted: The Chinese History of the World and The Miracle: The Epic Story of Asia’s Quest for Wealth.

The last decade of baseball sure has been fun, hasn’t it? We’ve had thrills, we’ve had chills, we’ve had spills, . But a decade is a long time, and much has been forgotten: So let’s look back on the 2020s, and all the things that happened in it! We begin in...

2021

January: Hype builds around the top free agent of the season, Trevor Bauer. After announcing that he will not accept any deals that do not have leading numbers of either 69 or 420, front offices scramble to free up the necessary budget space.
February: As players arrive at spring training, there is an astounding amount of hype surrounding the young superstar Vladimir Guerrero Jr., who is reported by multiple news outlets as being in, ‘the worst shape of his life’.
March: After four intense months of free agent negotiations, Trevor Bauer announces he plans to take a gap year to explore his possible options in life.
On Opening Day, Byron Buxton runs full-tilt into the outfield wall while trying to track down a Jorge Soler home run. He breaks three wrists and is out for the remainder of the season, sparing Twins fans the disappointment of seeing him waste his batting potential.
April: Mike Fiers, sick of being snubbed by front offices due to his role in blowing the whistle on the Astros sign stealing scandal, writes a tell-all where he claims he was the brains behind the whole operation. Eight different MLB clubs and Bill Belicheck immediately send him a contract offer.
May: Mark Reynolds announces his retirement on the grounds of being completely blind. He is promptly offered a lucrative contract by the umpire’s union.
June: On June 12, highly touted prospect Seth Beer makes his major league debut with the Arizona Diamondbacks. He uses ‘Beer’ by Reel Big Fish as his walkup song, and is immediately banned from baseball for life for reminding people that ska existed.
July: Fernando Tatis Jr. again ignites controversy from the media and from former players after being intentionally walked when his team is up by ten. “That is a disgusting act by Fernando Tatis Jr. and it's unfortunate that we had that on our air live”, says Joe Buck, calling the game for FOX, “That is disgusting by Tatis”.
Toronto continues their long-standing tradition of signing prospects who were born of somebody who screwed someone who used to be a good major league player by bringing A.J. Burnett Jr. into their minor league system.
August: Hawk Harrelson returns to broadcast a single game for the White Sox. Chicago gives up ten runs in the first, and Hawk remains completely silent for the last eight innings.
After years of controversy, the Cleveland Indians finally announce their rebrand. Their announcement states, “We waited far too long to get rid of Chief Wahoo. We’re not going to be late to the party for the next step. With Washington rebranding, it’s time to strike while the iron is hot. We recognize that there will likely be uproar, but history will vindicate us. From now on, the team will be known as the Ohio Indians”.
September: The MLB marketing team goes into overdrive and announces the creation of MLBFilms, a movie company developing films starring MLB players to try to increase their public image.
October: The Mariners put the final touches on a blessed season by mounting a five-run comeback against the Angels in the bottom of the ninth inning of game 162. Kyle Seager hits a walk-off grand slam to cap it off. They finish 73-89.
November: With the close of the 2021 season, the collective bargaining agreement between the MLB and the Player’s Union ends. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, both sides agree to ignore this.
After further investigation into the Astros sign stealing scandal, the Comissioners’s Office announces new sanctions: Cleveland State will receive the ‘death penalty’.
December: The Rockies broadcast team welcomes Matt Holliday as their new color commentator. The longtime Colorado player joins Drew Goodman, Ryan Spilbroughs, and Jeff Huson in the booth.
A.J Pierzynski receives two votes for the Hall of Fame and immediately demands a recount.

2022

January: Tim Lincecum, long time Giants fan favorite, announces his intent to come back to baseball. ‘I’ve been out of this game too long. I wasn’t sure if the fans and the team would accept me after all this time, but the support I’ve received has been incredible. When this position as a bat boy opened up, I knew it was made for me”. He will face stiff competition from a number of eight year olds to fill the position
MLBFilms announces their first movie: a four hour long, Scorsese-directed gender swapped version of A League of Their Own. It stars Mike Trout, Bryce Harper, Giancarlo Stanton, and Mo’ne Davis. It will be cinema.
February: The Blue Jays show some concern as Vladimir Guerrero Jr seems to have gained more weight during the offseason, ballooning up to 300 pounds, and requesting a position change to designated hitter.
March: Tragedy strikes Tampa Bay as Tropicana Field is mistaken for an abandoned shopping mall and torn down by a demolitions company. The goof isn’t noticed for almost a week until a group of Yankees fans arrives to buy tickets.
April: Trevor Bauer finally decides to sign with someone, and signs a $69 million, 4.20 year deal with the White Sox for the express purpose of trying to get suspended by Tony La Russa.
May: The Rays announce they are rebuilding Tropicana Field exactly as it was, brick-for-brick. They put out a call for any Yankees fans who might have attended the stadium in the last few years to send pictures to work off of, as the original plans for the Trop were traded to the Mariners for cash considerations years ago.
Nelson Cruz invites controversy after choosing the 17 minute version of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ as his walkup song, and not stepping into the box until the entire song is finished. He manages to avoid getting plunked by pitchers until he starts doing air-guitars with the bat and drumming the solo on home plate.
June: The MLB marketing team jumps back into action by putting pictures of Spiderman on the bases, presumably on direct order from J. Jonah Jameson. This is immediately met with massive backlash from every human being on earth, including Spiderman himself. Bud Selig counters, “Suck it up, buttercup.” This is a real thing that happened.
The Braves pay Bruce Sutter ten million dollars and thank their lucky stars that Bobby Bonilla gets all the press.
July: The umpire’s union receives serious backlash after Ron Kulpa blows a ball-strike ball on a David Price perfect game in progress, causing him to walk Nick Castellanos with two outs in the first inning.
Joe Buck broadcasts the entire Home Run Derby solo, saying, ‘And we will see you tomorrow night’ in a straight, monotone voice for every single home run; gradually increasing in volume until he yells at the top of his lungs continually during the final round. It receives the highest ever ratings for any television event ever. Jo Adell wins with three total home runs.
On July 21st, in a game against the Diamondbacks, Kenley Jansen intentionally balks to move a runner from second to third. Sensing unwritten rules being broken, Brian McCann punches his way out of his grave beneath the mound and hits Jansen with a DDT, killing him instantly.
August: Tony La Russa publicly announces he is moving on to a more sabermetric way of managing, and moves his center fielder out of the first spot in the batting order. “Perhaps, depending on how this goes, I may even move the catcher out of the ninth spot in the order.”
September: As their season ends, the Ohio Indians announce another name change, citing how large the backlash was and how offensive they learned their name was to the millions of people who were not acclimatized to it. They are now known as the Lake Erie Indians.
October: The Marlins, after years of careful management by Derek Jeter, sweep the National League playoffs on their way to a World Series victory over the Athletics in six games. Immediately after hoisting the trophy, the entire front office is sold off to other franchises to save salary room.
After the World Series, Bud Selig officially announces his retirement as MLB commissioner. “After thirty years in this position, it’s time for me to move on. I am grateful to the owners throughout Major League Baseball for their unwavering support and for allowing me to lead this great institution. I thank our players, who give me unlimited enthusiasm about the future of our game. Together we have taken this sport to new heights and have positioned our national pastime to thrive for generations to come. Most of all, I would like to thank our fans, who are the heart and soul of our game.” Tony Clark is thought to be next in line for the position.
November: Bill James publishes his new book, The Measure of a Man, where he has an exact formula worked out for the value of individual human lives. Mike Trout is worth exactly $290,322,784.32. You are worth twelve cents.
December: The Winter Meetings begin with a bang as the Mariners announce they are trading Kyle Lewis for ten of the Yankees’ wins next year. DiPoto says, “They probably won’t need them, and although we aren’t going to get enough to win the whole shebang, we might be able to get the 15 percent share to get an invite to the debates. With that kind of media coverage, who knows where we can go?”

2023

January: The Nationals announce that Mike Rizzo is stepping down as President of Baseball Operations, but not before giving himself ‘a full and legal pardon for all crimes he may or may not have committed while in his position, and for all the crimes he may or may not commit in the future.’
The Athletic releases a shocking exposé showing that Tim Wakefield’s ‘rolling contract’ on the Red Sox will actually never expire due to a legal technicality. The Red Sox owe him $4 million, every year, until the heat death of the universe.
February: The MLB marketing team puts pictures of Mike Trout on milk cartons, with the caption, ‘Have You Seen This Kiiiiiiiid?’. The only result is the occasional call to the missing persons hotline whenever somebody accidentally tunes into an Angels game.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. arrives at spring training announcing that he feels lighter and faster than ever, due to his fat folds being held up by repulsorlifts like Baron Vladimir Harkonnen in Dune.
March: Disaster strikes the Oakland Coliseum as the Wave takes hold of the stadium on opening day. Thousands of people die either of exhaustion or starvation. The governor attempts to declare a disaster zone, but finds out that legally, the entirety of Oakland has been a disaster for the last thirty years.
April: Nothing happened this month.
May: The Boston Red Sox are caught up in yet another cheating scandal, where the Blue Jays allege that Tom Brady, somehow, managed to deflate their baseballs before a key playoff game in 2022.
Byron Buxton runs headfirst into a Mack truck that was accidentally left parked in Target Field’s outfield by the ground crew. He loses eight ribs from the resulting surgery and is out for 6-8 weeks.
Robbie Cano is banned from the MLB for life after testing positive for shooting up black tar heroin into his eyeball.
June: Matt Holliday is suspended from his broadcast job after claims that, in the past, he had ‘inappropriately touched’ home plate during his Rockies career.
Tom Brady is ambushed at his house by Brian McCann and tombstoned directly into the driveway, killing him instantly. There are no witnesses.
July: Fernando Tatis Jr. is suspended by the Padres without pay for a week after being hit by a pitch with the bases loaded while up by twelve over the Dodgers. John Smoltz condemns his repulsive behavior by running up the score. Lynch mobs assemble outside Petco Park.
Billy Hamilton wins the Home Run Derby after discovering that inside the park home runs are not technically banned. He racks up 783 home runs in the first round alone before the kids playing the outfield figure out what’s going on.
August: Matt Holliday is cleared and reinstated to his job after no evidence was found of him actually touching home plate. In a public statement, he thanks the Padres for their longtime support and their hard work to clear his name in this matter.
During a Braves-Marlins game, the disembodied head of Joe Buck appears on the Fox Sports South broadcast on all cameras and stares wistfully into the camera for twenty-two seconds before bleeding from the eyes and fading away. Buck declines to comment on the matter.
September: Jose Canseco announces in a tweet that, if he is not elected to the Hall of Fame by the Veteran’s Committee immediately, he will not intervene to save us all from the upcoming singularity robot apocalypse.
October: In the Wild Card game against the Blue Jays, the Astros again invite controversy by calling the other team’s bullpen phone constantly and telling Ken Giles to stop warming up; twenty-seven times in the eighth inning alone. With Toronto unable to use their bullpen, Russell Martin comes in for the save situation and gives up seventeen runs. Charlie Montoyo attempts to protest the game, but the Astros yell so loud at the umpires that they can’t hear what he’s saying.
Pete Rose reveals that he was behind the 1978 Boston College point shaving scandal, and boy, did he make a ton of money from that. He is immediately banned for life from the Basketball Hall of Fame.
November: Both the American and National leagues award their MVP award to Albert Belle despite him being out of the league for twenty years, as he certainly did not deserve to lose to Mo Vaughn in 1995. Pedro Martinez finishes a close second.
Albert Pujols’ home run against Brad Lidge finally lands, killing millions on impact.
December: At the Winter Meetings, Brett Favre formally announces his retirement from the NFL.
The Yankees flex their checks and sign one of the best pitchers ever to have played the game for 15yrs/450million: Christopher Robin from Winnie The Pooh Home Run Derby.

2024

January: In an explosive piece of investigative journalism, The Athletic discovers that Joe Buck has ties to Russia. Buck categorically denied the allegations in a press statement, adding, ‘And we will see you tomorrow night. In court.’
Jose Canseco is unanimously elected to the Hall of Fame.
February: Vladimir Guerrero Jr arrives at spring training by oozing through the windows of the practice facility and reforming himself into a man-like form in the hallways. He moves to the outfield, as he now covers enough ground that the ball will never hit the turf.
March: MLB The Show 2024 releases to rave reviews from critics, despite being the exact same game as MLB the Show 2023 and MLB the Show 2022. It is voted the best sports game of the year for the simple fact that they did not remove features from last year’s game.
On opening day, Dusty Baker announces to the umpires that he will be playing the entire season under protest. He gives no explanation.
April: Spencer Torkelson makes his MLB debut for the Tigers, lasting an entire at-bat before the umpires pull him from the game and send him back to the 1890s where his name belongs.
The Yankees announce that they are moving away from the pinstripe uniforms which have dominated their style since the early days of the club, and are switching to more iconic and beloved uniforms - the 1970s Houston Astros rainbow jerseys, effective immediately. Yankees fans strenuously object because it’s harder to look like assholes when wearing bright, happy colors.
May: Aroldis Chapman mirrors Randy Johnson when, during a save opportunity at Yankee Stadium, he brings down a low-flying single engine plane with a pitch, killing the pilot. This becomes the second-worst plane accident involving a Yankees pitcher in New York in the last twenty years.. [Editor’s note: This is not a 9/11 joke. That would be incredibly distasteful and disrespectful to the thousands of Americans that died on that day. This is a joke about Corey Lidle, whose death is slightly more socially acceptable to make light of.]
June: Scientists working with the New York Yankees announce new developments in doing The Wave, led by observations at Yankee Stadium. This new version of The Wave, endorsed by Yankees fans around the world, will be done only with the middle finger.
July: MLBFilms announce their next release - a collaboration with Warner Bros: Scooby-Doo! Batter Up!, where the Scooby gang meets Bryce Harper and the Phillies and have to defeat a ghost that possessed the Philly Phanatic and locked the team inside Citizens Bank Park. The city of Philadelphia defeats the ghost by throwing batteries at it, and it’s revealed to have been Gritty all along. This is not a joke.
For the fifteenth and final time, the Reds pay Ken Griffey Jr. 3.6 million dollars, ending his deferred contract. The Reds front office once again thanks the Mets for being such boneheads that nobody cares that other teams have far, far worse deferred contracts than they do. Although none of the other ones had to do with Bernie Madoff.
August: The Blue Jays announce that they are negotiating with LeBron James, Jr for a minor league deal.
Brett Gardner tests positive for having a giant fucking head and is suspended by the MLB for 80 games. He appeals on grounds of the test possibly being a false positive, and the possibility that vitamins he took were contaminated, and that, as a sovereign citizen, the MLB has no right to test him. He also tests positive for eleven different steroids, which he does not contest.
September: Tony La Russa announces his retirement at the end of the season, citing his early stages of dementia. This confirms the rumors that spread around the league after La Russa wandered off in the middle of a game to find the nearest Cracker Barrel.
October: Fernando Tatis Jr. disrespects the game of baseball by arriving at Petco for a game after the Padres have clinched the top seed in the playoffs. Brain McCann materializes out of the aether and hits Tatis with an elbow off the top ropes, killing him instantly.
The MLB announces a new broadcast format for the World Series, where Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy will sit silhouetted in front of a screen with the official Joe Buck/Tim McCarver broadcast and heckle them constantly, MST3k style. It is cancelled after one game after complaints from Joe Buck’s mother.
November: Radical sabermetricians make the news by making threats against the MLB, warning that unless announcers actually learn how WAR and FIP work, ‘there will be consequences’. Commissioner Tony Clark gives a strong speech, responding that the MLB ‘does not negotiate with terrorists. We don’t even negotiate with the MLBPA most of the time’’.
December: The Red Sox trade Tim Wakefield’s rolling contract to the Mariners in exchange for the Mariners’ franchise history and the cutout of a baseball player that sits outside a Lowe’s in Seattle.

2025

January: The St. Louis Cardinals accidentally delete their Excel 95 spreadsheet listing their minor league prospects. It’s estimated that up to 200 ballplayers were lost, and though scouts managed to retrieve some of them, a large number still cannot be accounted for.
February: Vladimir Guerrero Jr. announces his retirement from baseball to star in an MLBFilms remake of ‘The Blob’.
March: The MLB floats the idea of having a ‘three batter minimum’ for pitchers, so that teams won’t continually switch pitchers to gain a handedness advantage. This is laughed at by everyone, so they forget about it. The idea never comes up again.
April: In an otherwise routine game at Target Field, Byron Buxton is tracking down a routine pop fly when he suddenly runs headlong into the evidence that Pete Rose bet against the Reds, shattering every bone in his body and eight in Max Kepler’s.
May: The Mets broadcast leaves a live mic on Zach Greinke, which picks up what he’s constantly mumbling about while on the mound. A transcript: “Dog carcass in alley this morning. Tire tread on burst stomach. The city is afraid [strikes out Tim Anderson] of me. I have seen it's true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over all the [induces a Chad Wallach pop-up] vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "save us!"... and I'll look down from the mound and [retires Derek Dietrich on three pitches] whisper "no"”
June: June 28, 2025. A date which will live in infamy. Everyone remembers where they were on that day. The pictures are burned into the brain of every man, woman, and child watching the All-Star game.
The black helicopter landing in center field.
The masked figures kicking a bound and gagged David Eckstein out of the door.
Their speech through the loudspeaker system, calling for the deaths of all those who stood in the way of progress. You all know what followed.
When that helicopter took off, leaving a four foot eight corpse on the field, the relationship between baseball and statistics was changed forever. SABR was declared a terrorist organization, and although Bill James denied any involvement and denounced the perpetrators, he would never be looked at the same. The FBI tracks him for the rest of his life.
July: C.C. Sabathia, Brian McCann, and the corpse of David Eckstein are inducted into the Hall of Fame. During his speech, Sabathia briefly mentions breaking the unwritten rules of baseball, and Brian McCann hits him with a steel chair, killing him instantly.
A huge remembrance of David Eckstein’s life takes place among the media.
“How can a man weighing 45 pounds and only two and a half feet tall make such an impression on the hearts of man? Not everyone has the grit, the determination, the grit, the dirtiness, the courage, the grit, or the grit to win in the MLB, but that’s only because Eckstein took the grit from all those people to use himself.”
“We all remember Eckstein single-handedly dragging the Cardinals to a World Series victory, but it’s easy to overlook his other work, and not just because he was so short. This was a man whose bodily fluids were filled with lunch pails.”
August: SABR’s hitlist is leaked by government agencies. It includes the two bozos who left Pedro Martinez off the MVP ballot, 90’s Joe Carter, John Smoltz, and everyone who ever wrote an article about David Eckstein, ‘to wipe clean the scum of the earth’. All of these people are immediately placed under police protection except John Smoltz, who refused it as he never believed in sabermetrics anyway.
September: A source inside the MLB suggests that they should have been more prepared for a terrorist attack, saying, “These guys are literally named SABR - could they have more of a Bond villain secret organization name? And look at their mission statement: ‘we seek the deaths of those who would desecrate our great national pastime, and those who refuse to understand it.’ - shouldn’t that have turned some heads? I believe that the MLB intentionally ignored this threat so they could go to war with SABR and then seize their oil”. Tony Clark refuses comment.
Tony La Russa announces his retirement from baseball at the end of the season.
October: After a long and storied career, Albert Pujols announces his retirement and immediately ages 150 years to return to his true age like Donovan at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Both dugouts rush his desiccated body to claim the bones as good luck charms.
November: David Eckstein is posthumously inducted into the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame as an honorary member of the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band.
The NAACP makes headlines when they release their list of Greatest Baseball Players of All Time, due to Jose Bautista taking the #1 spot over from Jackie Robinson. They justify it by saying ‘Jose Bautista is the Harriet Tubman of his times”.
December: After missing the playoffs for the tenth straight year, the Philadelphia Phillies trade Bryce Harper to the New York Yankees for a sack of potatoes.
Part 2: 2026-2030

August, 14th 1955
1:13pm, Portsmouth Universal Stadium
Appalachian Grand Prix
“Hotshot” Shepherd took the green flag for his speed trial with his balls in his throat as hung on for dear life. He was driving some sort of frankenstein machine, a shortened MG frame with a Rocket 88 motor strapped to it, and the steering and suspension off of a 32 Ford. It was a car purpose built for racing in bullrings like this one. Single seat, open wheeled cars like this one were known as Speedway Cars here in the states. They were similar to a Grand Prix car in Europe, if it had been made by a bunch of drunk hillbillies with free roam of a junkyard. That’s not to say they weren't fast, competent drivers could wheel them around the quarter mile long course in about 12 seconds, but they were crudely made death traps compared to a production car or their european equivalents, with the driver literally sitting on the fuel tank in some cases.
Portsmouth Universal Stadium was first and foremost a football field, home to the first national Football team, The Spartans. It had a quarter mile long sprinter’s track around the outside of the field and a large concrete grandstand that surrounded it, and today it was hosting the first Appalachian Grand Prix. The event attracted all sorts of new talent and car builders alike, as the flexible rules allowed for just about anything your mind could imagine, and 53 teams were attempting to qualify for the 20 car field. Jackie Shepherd was one of them, but as he turned into the first corner he wished he wasn’t. The car was horrifyingly unstable and the capacity crowd of over 8000 people were on their feet watching as the 16 year old battled the car for his life. It wiggled and waved, threatening to snap back the other way into the concrete wall. Somehow Shepherd managed to keep it together. He hesitated on accelerating onto the back straight, he was scared beyond belief. But the Mafia was hot on his tail, and if he didn’t get the money to pay them soon, he would be dead either way. So reluctantly he put his foot back to the metaphorical floor, because the car didn’t have a floor, and wheeled it into the second corner.
No matter what happened, Shepherd had no one to blame but himself. On his 14th birthday he borrowed money he couldn’t pay back from the mob, had a fake ID made, and the next week started racing the next week in a VW Beetle at the Bridgehampton circuit on Sag Harbor, New York. He did well enough he was able to buy some more time, with his race winning going directly to paying his debt, but after two years things were starting to close in. His Porsche was becoming outdated by Jack Martin’s Porsche 550, and Stephanie McClaire’s AC Ace, and the slower “one make'' series didn’t pay enough. He needed a out, so he hatched a new plan, quickly he pawned the Porsche coupe after the race at Put-in-Bay, and built a Speedway car from scratch using parts out of a junkyard. Now he was on the verge of dying in it, fighting it all the way as he started his second and final lap of the trial.
In the crowd, a curious Stephanie McClaire watched. August was a off month for sports car racing, and she and a lot of the other 2000cc class drivers had heard about Shepherd entering the Appalachian Grand Prix. She had come to watch, however, she was starting to somewhat regret her decision. There was nothing she liked better than watching an underdog win something, but clearly Shepherd, even if he did make it into the race, had no chance. Running by himself he was fast, but out of control the entire time. With other cars on the track with him, he was likely to kill himself. She snuck away from the captivated audience, and headed for the paddock.
Shepherd beat the hell out of the steering wheel as he came back into the staging area. He couldn’t admit to himself he was scared, he had a problem admitting things to himself. Just like at Put-in-Bay where he pushed his brakes on his Porsche to the point of failure, here he couldn’t come to grips with the fact the car had a mind of its own. He wasn’t driving it, it was driving him. Climbing out, he grabbed a wrench and went to work trying to set the car up to make it more stable. He had never run an oval before, so it was all a guess in the dark. A little tow out here, a little camber there, who knows? McClaire arrived as he crawled out from under his car.
“Jackie Shepherd?” She asked, but Shepherd didn’t even look at her.
“Sorry Doll, I’m a little busy at the moment…” He said in his New York Accent
“I can tell, you're as red as when Bob threw you through the window.” McClaire laughed crossing her arms.
“Look, I was told he was going to pay for that, I lost the fi… Hold on a second, I recognize you? You’re the broad with the AC aren’t you?” Shepherd asked.
“I could be, or I could be a figment of your imagination?” McClaire joked but Shepherd wasn’t amused.
“Ha, ha, very funny. Now what the hell are you doing here Miss whatever the fuck your name is? Can’t you see I’m busy?”
“I heard the famous Hotshot Shepherd was trying to break into the world of Oval racing, so I figured I’d come and join the fan club. Clearly I Missed the autograph sessions…” McClaire teased. She walked around him, motioning to the empty area around his workspace.
“Man. are you just here to be a bitch or what? Because I’ll happily smack that stupid ass smile off your face!” Shepherd said getting in her face, his temper starting to boil. McClaire laughed at him and then calmly said.
“You're the only bitch here Shephy, you left a trail of fluid around the whole track and not one drop of it came from your car. I want to help, but quite frankly, you’re being an asshole. So bring it down a notch.”
“Oh… I’m the asshole, I’ve heard that one before… So why do you want to help me huh? Let me guess, The Don sent you to give me a little pep talk?
“The Don? Have you been screwing with the Mafia Shephard?” McClaire asked.
“You saying you’re not with them?” He hissed.
“No, I’m really here because you nearly killed yourself three times in two laps. If you think you can handle fifty laps in that thing, you better think again.” McClaire’s voice suddenly became serious and after a pause, Shepherd muttered.
“Can I trust you?”
“It sounds like you're going to have too. Is that why you're out here driving this deathtrap, the Mob?” McClaire asked and Shepard nodded.
“They’ll kill me if I lose. I’ve got nowhere else to run.”
“Okay, then here’s what you do. Go to the race organizer and get on your knees. Tell him you have another prototype car and it will be here tomorrow morning, and if he lets you have one last chance to qualify before the race, even if you get pole you’ll start dead last. Got all that?”
“What?” Shepherd stuttered confused.
“I’ll get you a car you can actually handle. Bring it back in one piece, and we’ll talk about your Mob issue. Deal?” McClaire offered.
“Why would you help me?” Shepherd said, barely able to hide the tears forming in his eyes.
“Because the Mob are a bunch of assholes, and I don’t like how they work. Do we have a deal?” McClaire repeated.
“Yeah, God I hope you're for real…” Shepherd said humbled.
“Hahaha, I guess we’ll see tomorrow huh?” McClaire giggled. She got up close to Shepherd's ear and whispered. “One more thing, total my car, and you’ll wish the Mafia got you!” Shepherd nodded, and they split up. Shepherd to find the race officials, and McClaire to make a phone call.
The next day, a mysterious blue car with white stripes arrived on the back of a truck. It was unlike anything anyone had seen before, as the engine sat behind the driver like in a VW. It was tiny, with an extremely narrow body looking more like a go kart crashed into a canoe. This was McClaire’s Jr Formula car, a 500cc motorbike engined prototype she had helped design. Shepherd thought at first this was some sort of cruel joke, that was until he took it around the parking lot.
“Holy shit, this thing is awesome.” he grinned in the driver’s seat.
“Yep.” McClaire chriped, she looked like a proud parent! A nervous proud parent, but a proud one all the same. However she sensed trouble was on the horizon. As Shepherd motored away towards the track’s entrance, a well dressed man quickly intercepted the race organizer. Without a word exchanged, he handed him a suitcase and a letter and walked away.
As arranged, Shepherd would get one flying lap, a last ditch effort to qualify for the race. Heading out onto the track, Shepherd felt confident. This car was both more agile and more stable. Gliding through the corners at max speed, he barely had to brake. Just touching them on the way in, with his foot planted on the accelerator for the rest of the lap. The little 500cc engine sounded very different from the field of V8’s yet his time was competitive, running a 12.78 lap. Under normal circumstances, it would have been good for 9th, but today it was just good enough to get him into the show. After he was told he would qualify, Shepherd couldn’t help but cry.
An hour and a half later, as fans packed the stands, as the now 22 car field paraded around the track behind the pace car. Beside Shepherd, a second provisional starter in what looked like a lightly modified 1930’s Bugatti paced. The announcer had introduced him as Tony Bleavins from Connecticut, but there was something about him and his high dollar machine that made everyone doubt that was true. Shepherd was especially nervous, it wouldn’t be unlike the mob to send their own driver to bet against him. McClaire was thinking exactly the same thing as she watched the cars pace around the track. She hadn’t mentioned seeing him bribe his way into the race to Shepherd as his confidence was shot from yesterday. He needed to focus if he wanted to have a chance. Soon the pace car peeled off the track into the football field, and as they rounded the final corner, the leaders accelerated towards the green flag.
Shepherd at first, was left behind by the eight and twelve cylinder cars. They were much faster getting up to speed, but had to slow down massively for the corners, long, flat, 180 degree turns that seemed to go on forever. As the whole field checked up into the first turn, Shepherd caught back up, he flung the car into the corner and had to hit the brakes too. He nearly crashed into the back of the Bugatti as he followed him through the corner. Ahead, a white roadster numbered 32 spun to the inside of the track. Plunging through the smoke, Shepard accelerated and was amazed. Now up to speed he was keeping up with the other cars on the straights. Unlike his older car and most of the vehicles in the field using a direct drive system, McClaire’s prototype had 4 speed transMission. The gear ratio for 3rd was perfect, the engine revving to redline just before diving into the turn.
Coming out the second corner to complete the first lap, Bleavins knocked a chugging Ford powered car out of the way and Shepard followed him through the gap on the inside of the track. With a lap down already, he knew he needed to get moving but that was easier said than done. All the cars hugged the inside of the track as it was the shortest way around the oval. He didn’t really have a front bumper, with the car’s cigar shape, so he couldn’t knock cars out of the way. Plus the small size of the prototype ment it wasn’t exactly intimidating either. So, reluctantly he wheeled the car up against the wall and tried to pass the Bugatti. The outside was guarded by a tall concrete wall that was just begging to rip a wheel off. Shepherd gulped, watching as banners on the wall reached out to touch the tire. He had no idea how fast he was going, but coming out of the corner, squeezed between the wall and the black Bugatti it felt like a million miles per hour. Shifting to 4th, he held his ground, and around the outside of the second corner, took the position.
“YEAH!” He cheered, and just like that, he was out of here. He climbed the field quickly and 39 laps in, Shepherd and the prototype had climbed to 6th. Bleavins and the Bugatti followed close behind in 8th. Now on the pointy end of the field, passing around the outside was no longer a viable option. The top 5 had alcohol powered V8 motors making double the power of the little motorbike engine, so he could get alongside in the turns, but with a clear track ahead of them, they would power past on the straight. Not wanting to get smashed into the wall, he decided to follow for a while. In the tiny mirror, Shepherd watched as Bleavins spun a car. It careened into the infield and rolled over, the driver being thrown clear. Looking up, the flagman had the green and checkered flag crossed. They had passed halfway. Suddenly Shepherd got a jolt straight to the spine. The Bugatti crashed into him as they slowed for the first turn.
“ASSHOLE!” Shepherd screamed, flipping off Bleavins, but then he had an idea. He pulled the prototype up against the wall and lifted off the throttle, letting the Bugatti by. He continued flipping him off and fell in behind him. Maybe Bleavins could go beat up on the leaders for a little while and slow them down. Laps continued to click by until suddenly an explosion rocked the back straightaway, Two cars had collided, and ignited into a fireball as they spun off the track. The track was covered in burning fuel, and even before the yellow or red flag had come out, a fire engine raced across the last turn.
“Shit…” Shepherd swore, standing on the brakes, as did everyone else. The whole field screeched to a stop, as the firefighters extinguished the two cars. The drivers lost somewhere in the blaze. Suddenly one appeared, covered head to toe in flames. He sprinted to the stream of water, and jumped, landing on his stomach as the firefighters put him out. The second driver was still no were to be seen though, and a couple of the drivers still in the race climbed from their cars and ran into the blaze. Together they drug the driver out of the flames, he was unconscious and still burning. After they put him out, the medics quickly checked to see if he was still alive. Amazingly he was, and soon an ambulance arrived to take him to hospital. The two drivers who got out of their cars pushed their vehicles off to the inside of the track, they understandably didn’t want to continue. Soon the pace car backed up to the front of the field, and slowly they began moving again.
Shepherd shook his head, he had seen nasty crashes, and had even survived one of his own. But he had never seen cars explode like that before, and it shook him. The smell, the sight, it must have been similar to what veterans experienced in the war. He shook the thought out of his mind and tried to focus as the cars paced around slowly. The flagman held up his hand, 5 laps to go, and the pace car pulled off the track. Shepherd knew he was going to get overhauled again, his car was slow on the initial blast up to speed, but now everyone was back together again. Only 12 cars remained running at this point, 2 of whom were backmarkers. As they entered the second corner, everyone started accelerating again, everyone except Bleavins. As the top 5 roared off, the Bugatti faltered. Shepherd cursed, he hit the brakes and jerked the car to the right. Suddenly the Black Bugatti roared back into life, and the two cars rounded the corner to take the green flag side by side.
As they drove off into turn one, Shepherd knew something was wrong, the Bugatti hadn’t turned in at the correct place, and was now drifting up the race track towards him. The big car squeezed him to the wall, mere inches between Shepherd wheels and the wall. Either Bleavins didn’t realize he was there, or he was trying to kill him. Shepherd again hit the brakes, and tried to undercut the big car into the corner, but it again moved to block.
“You son of a bitch!” Hissed Shepherd, he knew exactly what was going on now. 4 laps to go, and he had to find a way past Bleavins, his life could very well depend on it. Again the Bugatti brake checked him, slowing down too much in the corner, allowing another driver to get alongside. Shepherd was boxed in, and coming into the last turn, he knew something was going to happen. Bleavins hammered the brakes, so hard he locked up the wheels. Shepherd took to the grass on the inside of the track. It was slippery, wet from the fire, but he had no choice. The other car ended up tangling with the Bugatti, and Shepherd barely managed to squeeze past as he skidded back onto the track. The crowd was on their feet cheering, they were loving this. All eyes were on the plucky prototype car, dueling it out with the mysterious Bugatti.
3 Laps to go, and Bleavins now out for blood came in hard and fast. Tires squealed as he rammed the back of Shepherd's car. Shepherd, used to his crazy contraptions, held the slide. Another car behind the Bugatti tried to pass, but Bleavins spun the wheel and smashed him into the wall. All subitally had gone out the window, Bleavins was going to keep Shepherd from beating him, even if it meant killing him. He dove into the corner again, this time Missing the back of the prototype car. The leaders of the race had actually caught up to the rear of the field, unaware of what was happening, one attempted to pass Bleavins as he pulled the car down from the track. Bleavins hit his back right wheel and sent him nose first into the concrete.
The race officials had seen enough, they waved the red flag trying to stop the race again, but no one seemed to obey. Bleavins blocked the track with his yacht in a car and waited. As Shepherd came around again, he slammed on the brakes. He was looking down the barrel of a .45 colt. Bullets pounded into his car, one hitting the front left tire and another hitting his leg. The car spun into the grass. Shepherd stood on the throttle, and spun his car around the pace car. Now going against the flow of traffic, he gunned for the tunnel that marked the stadium’s exit. The entire stadium had descended into chaos. Men, women and children ran for their lives, as some people jumped the wall and onto the track to stop Bleavins. It was too late, he spun his car around and chased after Shephard.
The prototype car jumped down the ramp leading to the parking lot. The motor was lugging in high gear but Shepherd couldn’t move his left leg to step on the clutch. He wheeled the car right, trying to stay off the blown tire, and accelerated through the parking lot. Bleavins, or whatever his name was, slid out behind him. A couple more gunshots rang out hitting parked cars, Shepherd watched the glass cracked and shatter as he passed. He tried to turn the car right, out onto the road, but the wheel was down to the rim now. Shooting sparks, he crashed into the ticket booth. Desperately, Shepherd tried to climb out of the car and run, but the second he came down on his leg, he collapsed screaming in pain. The Bugatti skidded to a stop, the door opened and Bleavins stepped out.
“You’re a damn good driver kid…” He said loading a new magazine in his handgun. “but not good enough.” He leveled the gun with Shepherd’s head, but the sound of an engine that wasn’t his caught his attention. He looked left just in time for his legs to get blown out from underneath of him by a red sports car. His face hit the windshield and skidded down the hood as McClaire slammed on the brakes. The man tumbled to the ground and watched as she floored the accelerator again. The Ace smashed Bleavins between itself and a parked car, his head and upper body flapping on the hood. McClaire got out, he had dropped the gun and it laid right beside her tire on the road.
“Looking for this?” She hissed, seeing him reach for it, and kicked it away.
“You’ll pay for this bitch! You don’t know who you're messing with!” Bleavins croaked, as he coughed up blood. McClaire ignored him and went to check on Shepherd.
“You okay kid?” He was too shocked to say anything. McClaire used Shepherd’s mask and her boot laces to stop the bleeding as police and medics descended on the scene. Bleavins was taken into custody, and Shepherd was taken to hospital.
The Appalachian Grand Prix was all over the headlines across America, but renamed ironically as the Ohio River Shootout. Tony Bleavins turned out to be Tony Angilo, a wheelman wanted for murder in three states. He would survive his injuries, but mysteriously die in police custody a few days later to a heart attack. Questions about the mob's involvement in racing surrounded the sport, namely these small town gigs with little to nothing in the way of rules. Clearly, there was a need for a sanctioning body much like what happened with NASCAR, and soon the American Open-Wheeled Racing Association was formed in Indianapolis, home to the world famous 500 mile contest.
The two drivers involved in the lap 21 accident would survive their injuries. Both heard about what happened through hospital staff, and despite their burns, wanted to talk to Shepherd about what happened. They barely knew the kid, let alone why someone would be trying so hard to kill him. Shepherd would be released the same day, his leg wrapped up and on crutches. Without barely a penny to his name, he headed for the train station to see if he could sneak on something heading for Kentucky. However, before he could get out of the Hospital, McClaire found him.
“Look... I’m sorry about your car…” He said instinctively.
“Ha, you should be… Don’t worry, it’s all fixable. I guess the same could be said for you huh?” McClaire asked and Shepherd nodded.
“A few weeks at least, that's what they told me. I promise, after I figure out something to pay you back…”
“Haha. Come on, let’s take a ride. It’s too busy in here.” A few moments later, Shepherd was in the passenger seat of McClaires Ace, it’s front end mildly damaged from saving his life.
“You know they’ll be coming after you now? After whacking that dude?”
“He’s alive, barely, but don’t worry about me, I have my ways of handling them!” She chirped starting the Ace’s engine. Slowly and smoothly she pulled out and onto the road. They drove in silence for a little while heading out of town on US 23, until McClaire finally spoke…
“Everyone makes mistakes in life, the question is how we learn from them, yeah?”
“Yeah, I suppose.”
“You’re young Jackie, way too young to be making decisions like you are. I was there too at one point in my life, so I know how you feel...”
“That’s why you loaned me your car?” Shepherd assumed.
“I loaned you my car so you’d live long enough we could have this conversation. How much do you owe the Mob?” She asked.
“A few thousand…” Shepherd responded being coy about the actual number.
“A few? Exactly how much Shephy…”
“About $8000, a hint more I think, and that was before today.”
“Damn, that’s a lot of money, you got one hell of a silver tongue.”
“I had a lot of dreams.” Shepherd sighed leaning back. “I grew up poor in Brooklin, mother worked a brothel and didn’t know who my dad was. She got sick and died in 1952, died in 53, and I fell in with the wrong group. I thought they were going to make me a “made man”, so I borrowed shit I couldn’t pay back, and lived in places I couldn’t afford. Tried to live to their standards and fit in, you know? Instead they wanted to break me down into some sort of glorified servant, to take the fall for some fuck head I didn’t know, so I took what money I could get and ran.”
“Huh.” Was McClaire’s only response. “How did you get into racing?”
“It was my escape. When you're racing, you could just ignore everything else in life. If you didn’t, you died and it wouldn’t be your problem anymore.”
“That's Morbid.” McClaire said.
“I got good at it, at least somewhat… Now it’s all I know how to do.”
“So would you stop racing? If given the chance?”
“I don’t know, would you? You’re the only broad I know that drives a race car, and I’m sure you have your reasons like me, so would you quit and go back to a normal life if you could? He asked.
“Ha, you got me there.” She sighed “Okay Shepherd, I’ll make you another deal. I get 50% of every dollar you earn from driving for the rest of your life. That means racing, taxi driving, delivering pizzas, whatever. In exchange, I’ll get ahold of my contacts, and pay off your debts.”
“Are you serious?
“Dead serious, and you're going to help fix my car too, both of them.” she said pointing to the hood flapping slightly in the wind as the rolled along.
“Absolutely, but why? Why me?” Shepherd said, his voice shaky.
“Because I made a mistake a long time ago too, one that money can’t fix, and I don’t want you to end up in the same sort of situation.” McClaire told Shepherd, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Just like with the Mob, it sounded too good to be true, but what else was he going to do? After all, McClaire had saved his life.
“You're an angel... Miss McClaire.” He said, starting to cry.
“No, I’m not… I just believe no one should become one for the things they did in their past.” She too shed a tear, she could practically feel the cold metal of the sword on her throat.
“Oh, one more thing…” She said, shaking the memory out of her head. “In the glove compartment, there’s an envelope. The race’s organizers would rather you not talk to the press about what happened.” Shepherd pulled out the envelope, inside was $500.
“Hmp, no problem.” he muttered. It was a pathetic attempt at a bribe, but it would be enough to get him home and lay low for a while.