35 Times People Made A Bet They Probably Wish They Hadn't ...

Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

Previous | First
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A/N: Please consider supporting my writing efforts on Patreon. You can follow this story and be alerted when new chapters release via fanfiction.net.
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“Another air group attacking from the west!” came the call over the radio from the crow’s nest.
“Copy! Shift AA batteries one and two to counter, I’m getting more fighters in the air!” Hornet promised, closing her eyes and making sure she remembered each component of a Hellcat’s engine as her ship and crew threw flak and machine gun fire skyward.
“Maru, we can’t launch in these conditions!”
“You can’t, but I can; so give me some cover will you?!” she demanded of her deck crews.
“Ma’am, guns five, seven and twelve are almost out of ammunition!”
“Understood, quartermaster. I’ve already got more produced in the depots; get it where it needs to go. And don’t call me ma’am again, I’m not old!” she insisted with a laugh.
“Incoming bombers twelve high!” The radios crackled again as more than fifteen hundred men and one kansen got their first real test as a fighting unit.
“I have them, keep the fire up! Gunners, I have a visual on Ark Royal through her smokescreen. Load up. I’m adjusting the firing solution now!”
“We can do that ourselves, Hornet. Just give us the coordinates and focus on your Hellcats!”
“Aww, you guys are so sweet. Here you go! Let’s show Lexington and Saratoga that they aren’t the only carriers who can use 203mm batteries! I made them just for you!”
“Hard copy, boss. We’ve got her dialed in. Oh shit, strafing run! Incoming sharks!”
“Hold position and open fire! I have you!” Hornet promised, taking a knee and placing a fist against the floor of her bridge. A massive shield encompassed her hull that was more than up to the task of deflecting machine gun fire from Ark Royal’s P-40s. A salvo of heavy rounds thundered from her deck batteries, newly arranged in the same manner as those of the Lexington class carriers.
“Maru, direct hit! Now’s the time!” one of her gunnery sergeants reported, noting the strikes against Ark’s shield that threw up smoke and debris that would temporarily distract attention from their bombers.
“Hold tight boys! I’m going to send it!” Hornet shouted happily as two squads of B-25s initiated a bombing run from on high, screened by lower flying Hellcats. Her deck batteries continued to fire as well, and several seconds later the call of surrender came over the radio. After five grueling days and nights learning how to operate their new ship, they’d defeated Ark Royal in single ship combat. Commander Thorson, Fleet Admiral Nimitz, Enterprise, and the other most important actors in the Union Pacific fleet were waiting for her back on the docks.
“Took you long enough,” Enterprise said quietly as the sisters embraced briefly. The ribbing was all in good fun.
“Yeah I know, had to whip a lot of those lads into shape but we did it,” Hornet replied proudly. Enterprise had, perhaps unsurprisingly, dismantled Ark Royal with absolute precision the second day after she’d been granted her rigging. She had done so with help from a handful of her most experienced pilots and mechanics, but was otherwise unassisted. Hornet had insisted on bringing at least half of her entire crew along for the ride, but eventually arrived at the same point. “So what happens now, Commander?”
“Captain Stevens’ convoy just radioed; they’re about an hour away. We resupply and then we get ready to leave. Akashi finished the retrofit of your kitchens?”
“Yes sir! And I made sure they know not to go tinkering with anything if they don’t want to get bonked by one of my planes. Thanks again for accommodating us.”
“Consider it a little experiment,” Thorson replied with a smile. “Fleet Admiral?”
Nimitz nodded curtly and began informing them all of the next steps that would be taken by each fleet and the Union as a whole in the Pacific. “The vast majority of Enterprise’s crew will be transferred to the old Hornet which will continue to be commanded by Captain Mitscher. Hornet, we are still short crew. How many can you spare?”
“I can have a list ready in a couple of hours, sir. I hate to lose any of them but I understand,” she replied, a hit of sadness in her voice.
“Very good. Enterprise, the few individuals you wish to accompany you will also be assigned to the new Hornet. I am in agreement with Commander Thorson that a true comparison between you and your sister, crewed and uncrewed, is needed.”
“Yes sir. I’m confident in my ability to operate my vessel alone. My pilots and mechanics have been of great help in getting me to the point where I can launch aircraft on my own, but I suppose I don’t need them if push comes to shove,” the silver-haired carrier explained.
“I understand. This should prove a decent compromise. Commander Thorson, I understand that your fleet composition is unorthodox and I wish I had more escorts to spare, but I do not. Northampton is the best we can do.”
“She already approached me about acquiring rigging and learning to fight like Houston, sir. We would be happy to have her,” Thorson replied thankfully.
“And we will be happy to have more experienced hands for other ships,” Nimitz replied. “I don’t think we need to stand on ceremony any longer. Commander, your orders are simple. Track Akagi and Kaga down and neutralize them. If the other carriers interfere, take them out as well. The quicker we finish them, the quicker we can transfer much needed firepower to the Atlantic. The news out of London seems to worsen by the day.”
“I understand, sir. We’ll get it done,” Thorson promised, fashioning a sharp salute that Hornet and Enterprise quickly copied. They were his ships, after all.
“Very good. And one last thing, Commander.”
“Sir?”
Nimitz looked around the bustling base with a slight smile, thinking that victory was perhaps on the horizon. “Following this evening’s meal please instruct your staff to arrange the space for a formal event. Assuming the manifest was not lost in transit, the women of your fleet have earned themselves a bit of hardware.”
-----
“Hammu-chan, Hammu-chan, over here!” Shigure called, summoning the Union destroyer to the Sakura table that night at dinner. She’d received her own ship and rigging in the week following Midway thanks to ample supplies of wisdom cubes and a dire need for escort ships in Thorson’s unbalanced fleet, but remained withdrawn and dour following the loss of Sims and then Yorktown. A seat for her was quickly cleared between Yamashiro and Yukikaze, the former enveloping her in a fluffy, warm hug when she sat down.
“S-stop with this! I don’t need you treating me like a child!” she protested. Yamashiro only giggled, her tail snaking happily behind her as she rubbed Hammann’s ears and pushed the little destroyer deeper into her cleavage.
“Shhh, it’s ok little cat. Yama-mama will take care of you as long as you need.”
Thorson couldn’t recall ever seeing a kansen blush redder or pout harder than Hammann, but she ate with the Sakura at every meal and never lashed out at them beyond her words, even after she acquired her rigging. He allowed it to play out without intervening, as the Union kansen seemed willing to as well. He could not replace a lost sister or mentor.
That evening was a mixture of fond reunions and farewells. Brooklyn had gotten to spend some time with Captain Stevens that afternoon, and Thorson had decided to leave her in charge of the base in his absence during the operation. Yuugure, Hatsuharu, and Michishio would be staying behind to man the kitchens, along with Naka, Cassin, and Ooshio who would be in charge of maintaining the facilities of the base and caring for the kiddies, along with Shiranui. Almost everyone else had been assigned to the attacking fleet, meaning that along with many sailors saying their goodbyes that night, Downes was also in that position. The Union destroyer was making the most of it, dining with her friends around her and Ooshio in her lap. California, Cleveland, Portland, and the other bubbly Union kansen found the arrangement utterly adorable, and the black-furred neko shrine maiden found herself veritably showered with attention and petting throughout the night. Only Downes was allowed to leave the occasional kiss on her cheek, however.
As the meal concluded, Akashi and her bulins promptly arranged for Admiral Nimitz’s request, occasionally removing a sailor from his seat bodily as they cleared tables and redid the hall for a large briefing. Other than the Sakura, all rose and saluted the Fleet Admiral and the rest of Union brass as they filed in, accompanied by several aides. Nimitz got down to brass tacks immediately. “As many of you are already aware, a follow-on operation to the defensive action at Midway will be commencing imminently, with Commander Thorson’s fleet as the spearhead. The Enterprise, Hornet designation CV-12, and the Northampton are officially transferred to his command. All crew assigned to the Enterprise and Northampton are to remain after this meeting to receive your new assignments. Those hulls are to be crewed solo going forward. The crew of the Hornet will also remain, as a minority of you will be needed elsewhere. And since I’m sure you’re all wondering why the Fleet Admiral is dealing with such mundane affairs, we’ll get to the meat and potatoes of this evening. Though I must say I’ve rarely had meat or potatoes as well prepared as I have recently. I’ll miss your cooking,” Nimitz stated, tipping his cap at Shiratsuyu and the other kitchen staff who were caught positively flat footed as dozens of sailors whistled and hooted their own approval. The Fleet Admiral held up his hands for quiet and continued.
“Upon consultation, I’ve been informed that there are no military honors that can be given for exemplary conduct in the kitchen, so maybe that’s something we can address when we find ourselves at peace again,” he chuckled quietly before adopting the tone for which he was known throughout the Union navy. “But we are at war, and were it not for the actions of a handful of individuals we would not be enjoying this relative luxury in the middle of the Pacific today. The shipgirl initiative, which I am designating the kansen initiative effective immediately, has been considered something between a curiosity and side project for more than a decade. We are here to correct that perception.”
Hushed conversation rippled through the many hundreds of sailors in attendance as Thorson’s kansen glanced at one another, suspicion and curiosity mixed together in their expressions. One of the Fleet Admiral’s aides stepped forward bearing a nondescript case which, when opened, revealed a couple dozen of identical yellow citation ribbons with a thin blue bar at the top and a red bar at the bottom. Thorson wasn’t sure he’d ever seen that particular award before, but knew that Brooklyn likely had something to do with it. He stood and saluted as Nimitz addressed him personally. “Yes sir.”
“Commander Thorson, after reviewing your after action reports and similar testimonies from Task Forces 16 and 17, I put in a call to Washington. I doubt many people have managed to surprise a man like the Commander in Chief, but I’d wager the tale I spun for him managed. You and your fleet have been awarded a Presidential Unit Citation, and I’ll be damned if I send you off to strike at the enemy’s heart without the distinction you’ve richly earned.”
“Thank you, sir,” Thorson said stiffly, whipped into shape by the sudden gravity of the moment. Setting an example for his kansen, most of whom had no idea what to do in such a situation, the Commander approached Nimitz to receive the ribbon. When he returned, he tapped Penny on the shoulder and nodded towards the Admiral. “You earned it. Go take what’s yours.”
The battleship held his gaze for a few seconds as she furiously debated with herself. No number of tokens would change the past, but she had served and bled for Thorson, for her sister, and for herself. That alone seemed enough to swallow her pride and be recognized. With confident steps she walked up to Nimitz and saluted, remaining silently at attention as the decoration was pinned to her uniform. Yuudachi, by contrast, refused to be silent and cheered loudly for her Penny-san, eliciting the faintest of confident smiles from the kansen as she turned to face the room and walk back to her seat. That expression turned to pride as her younger sister went next, and approval as Nimitz motioned politely for Arizona to remain standing after receiving her unit citation. Thorson and the rest of his fleet watched closely as a second aide to the Fleet Admiral presented a second case, this one much smaller, which when opened revealed three purple heart medals. The Admiral took one up and pinned it respectfully to Arizona’s uniform himself before extending his hand to her, speaking over Yukikaze’s rapid, questioning ‘nanodas’. “You look right as rain now, but I read the reports of your injury at Pearl Harbor. Let’s hope the next medal is a different color, shall we?”
“Thank you, sir,” Arizona whispered before hustling back to rejoin her sister as quickly as she could without running, flush with both happiness and embarrassment. Thorson met her eyes and nodded approvingly as the rest of his fleet was recognized. Cassin was also awarded a purple heart given the damage she’d suffered at Midway. Tennessee earned a Navy Cross for ‘gallantry in combat’ in addition to her unit citation. The tanned, almost perpetually grumpy battleship scoffed at the notion, but allowed the gleaming cross to be placed on her uniform where Thorson was absolutely sure it would remain for many years. Arizona was called back to receive a second Navy Cross, which Thorson considered richly deserved given that her abilities saw them through to the end of the Midway engagement. The award caused a bit of a skirmish between Yuudachi and Yukikaze over whose adopted onee-san was better, but it was quickly squashed by Choukai, who reminded them of the gravity of the situation with the hilt of her blade.
As the ceremony continued, Thorson clapped politely for each of his ships, especially when Brooklyn was recognized with a new citation dubbed the Navy and Marine Corps Medal, which Nimitz explained was meant to recognize her exemplary contributions to the kansen initiative both on and off the battlefield. South Dakota also received additional merits, though the Union staff in question didn’t have any idea where to pin her Navy Distinguished Service Medal without committing a misdemeanor. There wasn’t much material to work with. In the end, she accepted it in her hands, bowed silently, and then affixed the medal to one of her thick braids of hair. The humor of that situation was followed by true celebration as Ark Royal, despite not being an official member of Thorson’s fleet or even the Union navy, was awarded a Distinguished Flying Cross, a motion that had several of his kansen whistling and clapping. Unlike South Dakota, Ark Royal’s uniform was practically made to display honors and awards, and the little ones all gathered around to examine her new hardware the moment she sat down. The ceremony concluded with the latest addition to Thorson’s fleet, Hornet, being awarded the final Purple Heart that Nimitz had requested. And while she did not receive a unit citation, she was recognized for something more.
“I call upon Captain Marc Mitscher to present this final honor in the absence of Commander in Chief of the Union armed forces, Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” Nimitz said, projecting so that even those in the far back could hear him over the ceiling fans. The aging but still spry veteran stepped forward, doing his best to keep from breaking out into a broad smile as the Fleet Admiral continued. Even Thorson’s fleet remained utterly silent as the gravity of Nimitz’s introduction settled over them while Hornet herself stood there with a nervous look on her face and silently wishing she could borrow her sister’s uniform. “For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at great risk to her life far above and beyond the call of duty, for sacrificing her own life to save those of her ship and her crew, and for having the gall to return from the dead in spite of God himself; in the name of the United States Congress I officially bestow upon Hornet the Congressional Medal of Honor.”
Decorum, though called for given the situation, was immediately dispensed with as Hornet’s crew, who formed the vast majority of the humans in attendance and who’d just been told they were about to participate in the largest Union offensive of the war up to that point, went absolutely bananas. Their kansen ate it up of course, accepting the honor graciously from her captain before pinning it to her left breast on the hem of her bikini top. Whistles, cat calls, and hoots galore greeted her and she blew them all a kiss with a wink before whipping out her rigging and threatening them with miniaturized aircraft if they didn’t let Nimitz finish. Message received, they returned to their seats and the Fleet Admiral spoke again. “Thank you, Hornet. Commander Thorson, the floor is yours if you have any announcements for your fleet?”
“Nothing major, sir. Just a reminder for anyone involved in the ongoing security around the Sakura prisoners; ensure that everyone has a chance to visit the Sakura dormitory this evening. You all deserve it. We will hold our strategy briefing there as well. Any kansen on sortie should consider their attendance mandatory. I’ll see you all then. For now, enjoy your hardware. It was well earned.”
“What do you think?” Downes demanded of Indianapolis. “That sounded to me like the Commander just said party in the onsen.”
“Kansen only,” Tennessee agreed. “Let’s go, short stuff. Bring your girlfriend.”
“Hey, keep your mitts off her,” Downes shot back playfully as Tennessee stood and adjusted her cap, taking a moment to appreciate the Navy Cross that hung from her uniform. Ares was enjoying it as well, chirping happily from her shoulder. Tennessee resolved to earn more kill tattoos and another medal by the time the Pacific campaign was ended.
“No need to get your panties in a bunch, Downes. Just saying I approve is all.”
-----
“Coolant?” Akashi offered, having found herself a bright red kimono with fluffy white trim to use while serving drinks at the onsen. Thorson’s fleet was all gathered on the wooden patio that overlooked the main pool where Yukikaze’s sisters were splashing about under Shiranui’s watchful eye. A few of the girls were still in their uniforms, having only arrived for the meeting, but many wore swimwear or towels alone, lounging or sitting comfortably as Thorson entered the fenced off area himself. West Virginia laughed and Maryland put her fingers between her lips to whistle at him, as he was wearing only a towel around his waist and his Commander’s cap. That laughter quickly spread through the entire fleet, including Hornet and Choukai, who still didn’t have a bead on the base’s various antics. Enterprise frowned at the display but held her tongue. Her new fleet might as well have been foreign territory. He stood before them importantly before bending over himself and chortling, unable to keep a straight face.
“Everyone good?” he asked casually, earning nods and assents from the assembled kansen. Akashi had already provided a map of the Pacific for him on the back wall of the pavilion, so the Commander began immediately. “Choukai, I know you don’t know many of us well yet, but I’d encourage you to do so over the coming days. The rest of you should know that Choukai has given us the exact location of the enemy’s stronghold, the Sanctuary, where the main Sakura fleets have almost certainly retreated to. This intel confirms older reports from Fusou and Shiranui, which seems to indicate that despite the involvement of the Sirens the base is still that, a fixed position.” Thorson paused to allow the implications to sink in. His veterans were looking at one another knowingly, recalling the triumphant early days of their Java campaign. “Fixed positions can be bombarded. With the Colorado sisters, Hornet, and Enterprise recently added to our ranks, our ability to do so is unprecedented. So as I said, please get to know Choukai. There’s a good chance she’ll be escorting at least one of you into position when the times comes. I’d also like to unofficially welcome Northampton to the fleet. Northampton, it’s a pleasure to have you. I assume there will be no issues if I assign you and your sister to Hornet’s battlegroup?”
“No sir!” the dark-skinned cruiser replied happily, learning she’d be at her sister’s side going forward while Hornet seemed both taken aback and excited.
“I get a battle group?” she wondered.
“Indeed. The fleet will be rearranged to an extent for this operation. For starters, we have three carriers this time around instead of just the one. Additionally, one of those carriers will need to be defended with consideration given to her human crew. Indianapolis, I want you with Hornet as well.”
“Sure thing,” the pint sized cruiser agreed.
“And before you get upset with me, Portland, the battlegroups won’t be operating separately, at least not outside of visual range if I can help it. I want you and Cleveland with Enterprise. That leaves Choukai and Minneapolis. Both of you will be with Ark Royal. Minnie, you have my full confidence. Choukai, you will be escorting a Royal carrier, not a Union one,” Thorson emphasized. The Sakura placed her coolant on the nearest kotatsu and bowed her head low to the floor.
“I understand. She will have my sword. All I ask is for mercy for my sisters,” the cruiser replied. Thorson crossed his hands over his chest, frowning as he did so.
“I was hoping to keep this discussion light but yes, Choukai, the same mercy shown to you will be shown to any who surrender or are captured after being eliminated as a threat. That’s all I can promise.”
“I understand. I apologize for clouding what is clearly meant to be a more upbeat occasion,” she replied. Thorson wanted to explain to her that not only was her disposition understandable, but that seeing her body in naught but a white towel was plenty upbeat. He held his tongue both on account of his other ships and the fact that he was getting far too comfortable in his own ‘domain’. Instead he tilted his head her way to acknowledge her before moving on.
“Pennsylvania, Arizona, Tennessee, and California will make up the rest of Hornet’s group along with Downes, Yukikaze, Yuudachi, and Hammann. I assume there are no complaints there?” Thorson said, earning smirks and smiles from the battleships and happy cheers from the destroyer duo who were pleased to be assigned side by side again, though Shigure looked a tad put out.
“I’d say your assumption is correct, sir. The small ones seem quite chipper. Looking forward to it,” Hornet said hopefully. Her capital escorts were tough and seasoned, but they seemed willing to give her a chance.
“Who are you calling small?” Yuudachi demanded, puffing out her chest momentarily before Pennsylvania reached over and began rubbing her quite forcefully between the ears.
“She was talking about your height, not your chest you one track dog.”
“But Penny-san!” Yuudachi protested meekly as Shigure and Yukikaze enjoyed a laugh at their friend’s expense.
“No buts. The Commander isn’t finished. Sorry about my dog, Andrew.”
Thorson threw his head back and laughed, hardly one to stand on ceremony given the setting and his own state of dress. “Alright I get it. Let’s wrap up then so everyone can enjoy their final night here before we sortie. Ark, you’re with the Colorado sisters. That means Laffey, Javelin, and Zed are coming along too. That leaves Fusou, Yamashiro, and South Dakota for Enterprise. Shigure will be with you as well, along with Asashio, Arashio, and Kasumi. I look forward to seeing what you three sisters can do when working closely together.”
“Thank you for the vote of confidence Shikikan,” Asashio replied for her sisters. “We will work hard to end this conflict with minimal bloodshed so we can return to our shrine.”
“Yes, I think that’s a worthy goal for all of us, and something to think on in the baths. Anyone have questions?” Thorson asked, opening the floor. When no one spoke up he nodded and gestured to the steaming pools of water behind them. “Then you’re all dismissed. We depart at sunrise. Be ready.”
At his word the crowd dispersed quickly, with many of his kansen disrobing and heading for the baths. Some like Yamashiro did it obviously for his enjoyment, whereas others like Colorado did so because they were proud of their bodies and didn’t particularly care what Thorson thought of them. Out back, on the far side of the pools beyond the dividing waterfall was where those who wished for a bit more privacy retreated, including Ooshio and Downes. The Union destroyer carried her girlfriend most of the way, using the water to aid her before submerging herself up to her shoulders and settling the Sakura maiden in her lap. “Sorry if I’ve been too possessive. It feels like we only just got back and now I have to leave you again.”
Instead of saying anything, Ooshio undid her towel and laid it over the lip of the stone wall that separated them from the forests below. They were not truly alone, but nudity wasn’t uncommon in the onsen, not to mention that other than flushes of the cheek which could be attributed to the warm water, neither of them had to worry about outward displays of arousal as Downes sunk her fingers gently into the pliant flesh of Ooshio’s hips and behind. “Easy luv, but I’m happy ye’ve been the way ye have. I’m too shy, but I missed ye somethin’ fierce when you were gone. All yer friends are so strong too.”
“It’s ok Ooshio, if Belle likes you then it’s safe to say they all do or will,” Downes assured her before leaving a wet kiss on her collarbone and shrugging off her own towel. “Here, this seems unfair.”
“Oh dear,” Ooshio whispered as Downes’ milky skin and scars were exposed to her, lit faintly by the moon. “Now I really don’t want ye to be goin’.”
“I know, but I have to. You know that,” Downes explained affectionately. Ooshio rested against her more fully, squishing her ample chest against Downes’ flatter one as they kissed.
“And that’s why I’m afraid,” Ooshio whispered.
“We beat them at Midway and we’ll beat them again,” Downes insisted as Ooshio ran an exploratory finger over her piercings. Given their location, they could only have been done for her benefit, or perhaps the Commander’s himself. Downes looked up at her hesitantly. “You like them?”
“Are all the Union gals this naughty?” Ooshio squeaked, shifting Downes’ demeanor to predatory in an instant.
“Yours is.”
“Aah Downes not- not now. I wanna say goodbye proper,” she insisted. Downes relented from kissing along the tops of her breasts and looked her in the eye.
“I’m coming back,” she insisted.
Ooshio closed her eyes and rested her forehead against her woman’s. “I’ll pray every day for ye and the rest, but it’s dangerous Downes, real dangerous.”
“So am I.”
“Downes!”
“Sweetie, if you know something we don’t you need to tell Commander Thorson,” the Union destroyer insisted. Ooshio shook her head.
“Fusou-san, Choukai-san, and Yamashiro-san will all know far more than a gal like me. I’m sure he knows what yer sailin’ towards. That doesn’t mean I like it.”
Downes listened to the pleasant droning of the waterfalls and the distant conversation of the majority of the fleet back in the main pools. “We’ve got more reason to come back than any navy I can think of, me most of all. That’ll have to be good enough. All your sisters are here, right?”
“Yeah, we’re all here,” Ooshio confirmed.
“Good, then I won’t hold anything back out there.”
“Ye could be fightin’ Sirens!” the plush shrine maiden gasped, tears forming in her eyes. Downes reached up and kissed them away, laughing as Ooshio’s eyelashes fluttered against her lips.
“Then I’ll come home with a Siren trophy for you. I’m just sorry you’ll be sitting here worried the whole time. But I’m glad you won’t be there,” Downes insisted, resting a hand on her upper thigh. Ooshio placed hers atop it and laced their fingers together. “We’ll be sailing a long time, and for the first couple days we’ll be in Union seas. I can afford a late night tonight, so let’s make the most of it.” Downes reached up with her other hand and undid Ooshio’s braids, nodding approvingly as the long, silken, black hair fanned out past her shoulders like a veil.
“Sometimes I wish the cubes could make us inta men,” Ooshio remarked wistfully. “Yer so sweet an’ so strong an’ so beautiful.”
“Geez, Ooshio. You’re going to go and make me blush for real!” Downes chuckled quietly. Ooshio took her head in her hands.
“I mean it, Downes. I wish… I wish we could have what some o’ the others have with Shikikan. I sometimes wish we could be havin’ babies, like the little things Ark is always carin’ for. They’re so sweet, ain’t they?”
“I… yeah, they are,” Downes replied quietly, struck dumb at the suggestion but recovering quickly as she remembered it was just that, a dream. For two lovers about to be separated by war again, it wasn’t such a bad dream either. “I guess that would be kinda nice, knowing even if the worst happens I’d leave you something of mine, ours? Damn, here I am thinking I’m the one talking smooth and you’re the one getting me all hot and bothered.”
“I’m plenty hot an’ plenty bothered, Downes.”
Several yards away, Houston tapped Fredrick and Northampton on the shoulder, pointed, and led them back around towards the rest of the fleet. “They were here first. I think they deserve a bit of privacy. So cute!”
“That’s… certainly one way of putting it,” Northampton replied, casting one last glance behind her and catching an eyeful of Ooshio’s ample backside. “I can give you two some space if-”
“That won’t be necessary, Miss Northampton,” Fredrick insisted quickly. Houston nodded in agreement, her green eyes sparkling.
“Indeed! When we’re ready to spend some time together we’ll just head back to my room!”
“Houston!”
“What? Did you think I called him my boyfriend just for show?”
-----
“Commander, if you wanted to have sex with me we didn’t have to wait. I could have just come to your room!” Arizona whispered as he sat next to her in the finally empty onsen. When he stared back at her like a virgin, she blushed furiously and buried her face in her hands. “I’m so sorry, that was meant to be a joke! I guess I’m not really that kind of woman, am I?”
“No, and I’m truly thankful for that. Can you imagine if Yukikaze or Yuudachi decided they wanted to add sex to their list of troublemaking activities?” He asked, taking her hand as they smiled at one another, comfortable despite a lack of clothing or any other coverings over their bodies.
“Commander, you know I don’t demand much of anything but I’m going to have to put my foot down just this once. Don’t have sex with my cat!” Arizona insisted. Thorson’s smile grew and he massaged his forehead and temple with his free hand.
“Tell you what, I’ll turn Yukikaze down if she ever gets that notion into her head if you agree to be the flagship for this operation,” he proposed. The sweeter, shyer of the Pennsylvania class sisters lowered her head and looked bashfully at him.
“You… you really want me to-”
“I really want you,” Thorson corrected with a bit of a smirk, far too charmed by her innocence and far too aware that he might not come home to forgo as much lovemaking as he could squeeze in without compromising his fleet’s operations. Unbidden, Arizona reached across him and pulled her body over his, resting against his chest, bracing herself against his shoulders, and lowering her hips until they were intertwined. Thorson reached up and caressed her cheek, doing his best not to take her like an animal. “You feel incredible, but I did actually have my reasons!” he murmured.
“I’ll hear them now,” she whispered back, laying her head against his shoulder so that he could speak directly against the shell of her ear. His hands guided her hips in a slow roll as he did his best to keep his thoughts ordered. “So other than my body?” she breathed.
“And you,” he corrected, nipping at her ear. “You’re in Hornet’s escort group and I want to be close to her. A human crew is a novelty and we’re going up against the enemy on home turf. At a minimum I would be failing in my direct orders if I didn’t oversee and report on that experiment.”
“Ah, that’s the spot,” Arizona gasped lightly, pressing into his shoulders with her fingertips. “Sorry, keep going?”
“Mmm, love you. Second, Penny, Fusou, and Yamashiro have all been flagship. I trust the four of you implicitly, and I don’t think it would be right to leave you out, especially on this kind of mission” Thorson said. He found her next question unsurprising.
“And Tennessee?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Oh? Complicated or complicated?” she wondered. When Thorson didn’t reply for several seconds she hummed in understanding. “I see, so even she’s got a heart in there somewhere? That’s nice to know, really. Anything else?”
“Yeah… revenge,” he admitted. Arizona stilled for a moment before resuming the gentle rocking of her hips, sending ripples shimmering across the water as her long hair pooled around the small of her back.
“Andrew, it’s alright. You and Penny found me, brought me back. Many others never even got that chance.”
“But I didn’t watch them die, not in my arms!” he hissed, holding her tightly around the waist. “This is different. I watched the life leave your eyes, Ari.”
“I…” she tried, unable to adequately reply. Her voice fled as he leaned back so he could capture her lips with his.
“Underneath the fleet and the Commander’s insignia I’m just a man. You and your sister know that better than most, I’d wager. I want the ones responsible for Pearl Harbor destroyed. And I want you at my side when we do it,” Thorson declared firmly. “So yeah, I have a few reasons.”
“Then I’d be happy to serve you as your flagship, Andrew. For now though, can we leave the war aside?” she pleaded, earning his hands on her hips and derriere in agreement. For a few hours they were able to do just that.
-----
Previous | First

I've been working on a large, multi-part analysis of Varys and part one of that concerns his age and history prior to the beginning of GoT. I'd say a lot of this comes from some generous amounts of speculation, but it was a bit fun to do and I figured I would share it here.
Not much is known about Varys’s history in terms of how it relates to the entire story at large. We know thanks to ADWD what Varys’s motivations currently are and what he’s working towards, but beyond Aegon’s conquest little can be said as to why Varys is doing any of this. Even with his repeated refrain of “for the realm” and “for the children” readers still find themselves confused. What children? What realm? When and why did Varys suddenly take interest in Westeros at all? What did he see in the Mad King Aerys and the Seven Kingdoms that made him want to leave his wealth, his best friend, and his little mice behind? Those details are what still seem to be missing when looking back at the information Varys and Illyrio have given us about Varys’s background. In this first part of a larger, comprehensive look at Varys I intend to try and path out Varys’s life.
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To do this, it is important to consider Varys’s age which is never revealed to us in the novels. Some deductions can be made however that help narrow down the range. For starters, Varys came to King’s Landing between 278 and 281 AC. He arrived after Steffon Baratheon’s death and was present for the Year of the False Spring but we don’t have an exact year. I personally believe 278 AC is when Varys arrived given Aerys suspecting Tywin of causing Steffon’s death and the ramping up of Aerys’s concerns about Rhaegar both prompted Varys’s arrival. We end ADWD in 300 AC, so that means Varys has been in Westeros 19-22 years now. After Illyrio and Varys reach their height of fame and fortune, Varys forms his network of little mice, orphans who help him trade not in items but information. It is on the back of THIS skill that Varys makes a name for himself and is recruited by Aerys. I think it is safe to say this probably took some time, and given Varys is a man grown when he arrives to court at King’s Landing we can infer Varys spent at least half of his life in the Free Cities if not more than half. Given all of this, Varys is at MINIMUM 38-44 years of age if we simply multiply the amount of years Varys has been in Westeros by two. I think based on the descriptions of Illyrio and Varys both that they’re probably a bit older than this, but let’s use this age range as it is the best deduction we got to work with.
I think the next important marker to gauge Varys’s age is what he says when recalling becoming a eunuch which is that he was very young. Even without Varys’s remarks on this, readers can assume that Varys was castrated before puberty based on how high his voice is pitched. In 18th and 19th century history eunuchs castrated before puberty were trained as singers due to their treble pitch. My guess is Varys was probably somewhere between 8-10 years old at the time of his castration; he was young enough to not have begun puberty, but old enough that after being left for dead he managed to survive. I cannot imagine that happening for a boy younger than eight.
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The next context clue I want to mention comes from Illyrio, namely the statue of Illyrio that exists in his manse from when he was 16 years old. My guess is this is from somewhere around the wonder years of Varys and Illyrio’s partnership as the story inferred here is that Illyrio rose to such fame in his youth that a famous sculptor made his likeness. If we can assume that it took a little bit of time for the duo to rise to this status, I would wager Illyrio was 14-15 when he met Varys in Pentos. Varys likely wasn’t in Pentos for long before meeting Illyrio since he mentions struggling prior to their partnership because the people of Pentos despised him. I think Varys is younger than Illyrio by a few years (basing this off the idea Varys sought out someone who could protect him and found Illyrio who presented as a fit bravos). My best guess is that Varys was likely 11-13 years old when he met Illyrio.
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Let’s go ahead and first just plug in our speculated ages for some of the milestones mentioned as well as the range of years in which Varys might’ve been born to Varys’s timeline:
256-262 AC: Varys is born
264 AC-273 AC: Varys is castrated
267 AC-275 AC: Varys meets Illyrio for the first time
278 AC: Varys arrives at King’s Landing, roughly 16-22 years of age.
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It is in plugging these years in that we can spot some inaccuracies. First, there is no way Varys arrives at court as young as 16. I strongly believe Varys had to be at minimum in his 20s. Second, some of these speculated years leave little time for Varys to have made a name for himself and for Illyrio to marry twice before Varys is off to King’s Landing. I think 44 is probably a great starting point for estimating Varys’s age. Let’s go with that and plug in the timeline, but I’m gonna widen the age range for Varys to 44-50 based on Varys and Illyrio’s descriptions in the series:
250-256 AC: Varys is born
258 AC-266 AC: Varys is castrated around 8-10 years old
263 AC-270 AC: Varys meets Illyrio for the first time around 13-14 years of age
278 AC: Varys arrives at King’s Landing anywhere from age 22-28 years old
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This timeline feels right to me; it allows for eight years between Varys meeting Illyrio and Varys going to King’s Landing. I think that a fair margin of error here would be to slide the scale for Varys’s age all the way up to 50. Any higher and I think characters likely comment more on his age, but certainly Varys is no younger than 44 in my opinion. I’d pin Varys personally as being 50 but for the sake of sticking closer to logical deductions we’ll allow room for error.
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Perhaps all of this seems excessive, but I think it is worth examining the world around Varys during his formative years in Essos. Varys grew up a true example of someone who is self-made; a rags-to-riches story that is unlike any other in the series. Varys was a slave; not just a slave, but likely a pillow slave destined to bed strange men and women for all his life. He finds opportunity when sold to a mummer group, but then he’s quickly passed off to a strange man who strips Varys of his manhood and leaves him for dead. It is from here that Varys decides to defy all odds and rise to the Master of Whispers he is today. While Littlefinger is often talked about in a “self-made” light he is no match for the frankly miraculous comeback Varys makes. Let’s explore Varys’s world as he grew up in Lys, Myr and Pentos before arriving at King’s Landing.
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Let’s begin with discussing Lys. Personally, Lys does not get enough examining by fans. This is a place where even the slaves sport Valyrian features. Lys is famous for its pillow slaves in particular; slaves bred and trained for prostitution. Maester Pycelle mentions Varys was a slave in Lys, but given the likelihood he was apprenticed to the mummer troupe when he was around six or seven there’s certainly a possibility Varys never received training as a pillow slave. The reason I assume Varys was destined for being a pillow slave however is due to the fact he later turns to prostitution while in Myr and while Varys was certainly desperate it isn’t something the average pre-pubescent boy would do for money.
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Lys has a lot of significance in terms of relations to Westerosi history. Many Targaryens and other highborns alike turn to Lys for suitors. Additionally, the poison known as the Tears of Lys originates from here, dripping from statues of the Weeping Lady (though not confirmed it is hard to ignore the obvious connection). Lys preserves much of the Valyrian aesthetic it seems, and Varys seems to favor that aesthetic. He dresses in lavender and gold robes (conjuring up images of Valyrian features) and wears heavily scented perfumes.
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Varys’s origins on Lys may be the reason he was castrated. I’m not going to go into the numerous examples of Valyrian blood being considered to have magical properties since the average fan is quite aware of them. Likely Varys had the silvery-blond hair of the Valyrians and possibly has blue or violet eyes (we’re never given a descriptor for Varys’s eye color though so I have to image they aren’t violet as characters would notice). It is hard to ignore the obvious comparison that can be made to Egg who shaved his head to hide his identity. Also, possible of course is that Varys shaves his head so that he can wear wigs for his various disguises. It is common for mummers to shave their heads for this reason so we cannot say for certain that Varys does this to hide his hair color.
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Nothing is known about Varys’s parents. I assume they are slaves but with the potential for Targaryen and Blackfyre bastards to exist it is hard to say. There was a practice in Lys of breeding slaves specifically for certain physical attributes but again we don’t know that is the case here with Varys. For the sake of discussion let’s look at the Targaryen and Blackfyre family trees. Of the Targaryen line only Aerion Targaryen seems a possibility as he was said to sire children while spending a few years in Lys during his exile. Of the Blackfyre line at least two daughters were born to Daemon Blackfyre and it is entirely possible that Blackfyres from the female lines continue (I say ‘possible’ but given the clues regarding Aegon’s actual identity more like probable). Since we cannot know for sure if Varys even knew his mother and father let’s move on.
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Some important historical events to note that happened around Varys’s childhood include The War of the Ninepenny Kings and the Tragedy at Summerhall. Varys would’ve been four years old at the youngest, nine at the oldest when the War of the Ninepenny Kings raged. He would’ve known about the Blackfyre line, the war on the Stepstones, and how Maelys’s death would mean that the Golden Company lost their commander and their original reason for existing as the Blackfyre line is believed to be dead. As for the Tragedy of Summerhall given that this led to a regime change and is a tragic story involving possibly dragons I would expect Varys heard about this too. I can only imagine how it felt to hear about Summerhall potentially after being traumatized by hearing a god speak through fire after being castrated.
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I speculate that around age six or seven Varys was sold to the mummer troupe. During this time Varys travels to a couple of places including Oldtown and King’s Landing in Westeros. This would be quite the momentous few years for Westeros as they had just changed kings from Jaehaerys II to Aerys II. No doubt this was the height of discussion at the time. Perhaps Varys even performed around the time of the coronation in King’s Landing.
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There’s not much to say about Varys’s time in Myr outside of his castration. Becoming a eunuch impacted Varys in many ways beyond the physical. He developed a fear and loathing of magic while also developing a tenacious will to survive. Varys was doing everything he can to survive and was proving to become highly successful before eventually being ran out of Myr likely around the age of 13-14.
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Pentos is where Varys would establish himself and live out most of his life before moving to King’s Landing. Pentos is where Varys meets Illyrio, grows rich, creates his network of mice and begins to specialize in the business of secrets and whispers. A lot of Varys in modern day Westeros is molded in Pentos and Pentos itself likely inspired the mechanics of Varys’s plan. Consider the structure of Pentos in comparison to the Seven Kingdoms. In Westeros a single family ruled by passing kingship down through a line of succession. The Targaryens are treated throughout Westerosi history as superior people (to the point where a Targaryen king once tried to declare their genetics above all laws). In Pentos there is a “prince”, but they are nothing more than a figurehead propped up by the wealthy magisters that make up the true political landscape of the city. In Westeros the Targaryens are absolved of all guilt and men die to protect them. In Pentos the prince is killed if during the year the city loses a war or has a drought. In Westeros law and order is important, and upholding this structure is considered righteous and honorable. In Pentos despite being a “free city” the entirety of the city skirts around the technicality of what defines slavery, and no one bats an eye. Pentos enables Varys and Illyrio’s scheme in many ways.
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We can also note how strategically important Pentos is for Varys. It is the closest free city to King’s Landing and most of the Westerosi conducting business in Essos start their commute at Pentos’s harbor. Certainly, it is the place where Westeros’s exiles first make land. It isn’t difficult to imagine the numerous secrets and business ventures being conducted around Varys and his little mice.
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Now it is time to cross the Narrow Sea and land in King’s Landing in 278 AC, where Varys is at his youngest 22 and at his oldest 28 years old. He’s left his home, his best friend and the place that has allowed Varys to rise to infamy. Varys trades all of that in for the sizzling powder keg that is Aerys II’s tumultuous reign. It is important to note that Varys truly arrived at the absolute worst time. Steffon Baratheon has just tragically died. The Defiance of Duskendale had recently resolved and served to escalate the already deteriorating trust between Tywin and Aerys, and Aerys and his own son Rhaegar. Barristan Selmy might think that Varys’s arrival was when the rot in Aerys’s reign began, but that is just so colossally untrue and absurd to say. Varys, if anything, likely stood a chance to resolve some of the problems by accurately pointing out traitors and treason instead of allowing Aerys to draw conclusions himself.
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What follows is the beginning of the end for the Targaryens. As Aerys falls deeper into madness, it falls upon Varys to do his best to support his seat as mounting tensions lead to worries of another Dance of Dragons. Varys stays loyal to Aerys and informs him about the possibility of the Tourney at Harrenhal being a cover for Rhaegar to begin planning the removal of his father as king. Robert’s Rebellion is a crucial time in Westeros’s recent history but there’s something else we need to examine and that is the brief, fleeting life of Aegon Targaryen…or was it brief at all?
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Aegon was born in either late 281 or early 282 AC. He lived only a few years before allegedly being brutally murdered by Gregor Clegane in 283 AC. In aDwD however we learn of the master plan Varys and Illyrio have concocted…a plan years in the making. This plan is to place Aegon Targaryen who DIDN’T die after all on the Iron Throne. This would mean that in 283 AC a 1-2 year old Aegon is spirited away to Essos by Varys. In the year 300 AC Aegon’s age should be 18-19 years old.
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In this analysis however I am operating under the theory that Aegon is at minimum a fake but more likely a Blackfyre born in the female line. If you’ve not read the Aegon Blackfyre theory I suggest doing so but to provide a brief TL;DR the theory proposes that Aegon is a Blackfyre possibly born from Illyrio and Serra (who would be the likely Blackfyre from the female line). Something brought up frequently in this theory is the idea that Young Griff is too young to be Aegon. This is determined by Tyrion who estimates the boy looks 15-16 years old. This would mean Young Griff was born in 283-284 AC. I’ve seen people split hairs over this, but I consider it a worthy estimation.
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Operating under this estimate we can speculate that Young Griff was born during the conclusion of Robert’s Rebellion. King Robert sits on the throne, marries Cersei and Willem Darry sails away from Dragonstone with Rhaella, Viserys and the unborn Daenerys. Meanwhile Varys is finding himself serving a new king.
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Something I always wonder about is when Varys and Illyrio decided to commence Operation: Faegon. Was it a plan since Young Griff’s conception, or before it? Did Serra always desire to reclaim Westeros for her fallen family tree? I personally doubt that. Serra was a pillow slave in Lys before being taken in by Illyrio and eventually marrying him. Dany never met Serra and Young Griff never brings her up either so I suspect Serra died within the year of Young Griff being born from the grey plague. It is hard to say how old Serra was at the time of her death. Illyrio in GoT has a servant who is 16 and seems to closely resemble Serra (Dany notes this is his favorite servant too). Maybe Serra was as young as 16 when Illyrio married her? Not much to chew on here.
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Between 283-297 AC Varys goes about his business serving King Robert. Varys witnesses the events of the Greyjoy Rebellion in 289 AC, which is intriguing. The Greyjoy Rebellion occurs because Balon Greyjoy wrongly believes the Seven Kingdoms are not actually loyal to Robert. This might have been the year that Varys kicked around the idea of putting a new king on the throne. It would need to be someone that garners support and who better than someone who may be a Targaryen? After all, this is the cardinal difference between Robert and everyone who came before him. In 290 AC peace settles across Westeros but in Essos Daenerys and Viserys are now out on the streets. Additionally, I believe for most of 283-284 AC that Young Griff was still living with Illyrio. The reason I believe this is because in aDwD Illyrio dresses Tyrion in little boy’s clothing he conveniently has in his manse and these clothes fit Tyrion. I wager that Young Griff stayed with Illyrio at least until he was 7-8 years old. This isn’t to say that the Faegon operation hadn’t already begun of course.
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This wraps up part one of my large endeavor to really get to the bottom of who Varys is and to unravel the motivations behind his actions. Below this is a finalized timeline written out with everything previously discussed included in it. Is this accurate? Probably not; there isn’t in truth enough information present from Martin or the novels to take this as gospel. I do think however that this is mighty close to the truth of things and that the speculation and conclusions drawn are at least healthy. In part two we will Varys the person and paint a profile of the Spider.
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TL;DR: Varys-An Estimated Timeline
250-256 AC: Varys is born in Lys
258-266 AC: Varys is castrated around the age of 8-10 years old and left for dead in Myr
263-270 AC: Varys meets Illyrio for the first time in Pentos around the age of 13-14 years old.
278 AC: Varys arrives in King’s Landing to serve Aerys II around 22-28 years old.
Late 281- early 282 AC: Aegon Targaryen is born to Rhaegar and Ellia.
283-284 AC: Young Griff is born to Illyrio and Serra. Serra most likely dies not too long after Young Griff is born (no later than 285 AC in my opinion) based on Young Griff having no recollection of his mother.
297 AC: The events as told in Game of Thrones begin, with Varys somewhere between 44-50 years of age.

We all remember Class, the ill-fated Doctor Who spinoff that lasted a single season due to poor ratings. We can speculate all day as to why it ended up failing.
The promotion was disastrous. I remember quite a few fans of DW who had no idea it even existed.
It also had no real engaging hook besides the DW connection. Torchwood and The Sarah Jane Adventures were launched off the back of popular characters from DW. Class had the Doctor show up for five minutes to tell us we were supposed to care about these people we'd never met before.
It's also possible that it didn't take off because it just wasn't very good. Personally, while I thought it had room for improvement, it had a lot of potential too, with some interesting concepts and solid performances. I don't think it was any worse than the first series of Torchwood. TW was given a second series in which it improved considerably, and then gave us the masterpiece that was Children of Earth. Who's to say that Class couldn't have undergone a similar transformation if it was allowed to continue?
However, I've been thinking that what if the BBC went in the opposite direction? Instead of giving us a teen/adult oriented spinoff, they instead decided to do something more child-friendly?
I think it's quite possible that Class would have been more successful if it was aimed at younger audiences. Based on people I know, and myself being someone of the age range Class was aimed at, most people our age don't want to watch a show about "school kids fighting aliens". Most would rather not watch anything to do with school kids and would rather watch something like Torchwood with an entirely adult cast.
On the other hand, a CBBC audience might have been considerably more receptive to such a show. While there is a case to be made that the cast of Class were a bit too old to be relatable, I'd counter that many children's shows feature cast and characters of a similar age range, primarily because it's a way around the complications with filming with child actors.
Finally, I think child fans of the show would be a bit more keen to watch something because of the Who brand than older fans. Many older fans or casual probably wouldn't want to watch something because of a vague connection to the Whoniverse. But if you tell younger fans of DW that this new show is "from the makers of Doctor Who" (as they did with SJA) I'd wager that you'd gain quite of interest.
I'm fairly convinced that if the Beeb had made Class a fun kids show instead of a Young Adult Drama, it would have performed far better. I think a second series at least would have been far more likely.
Opinions?

Lets build one hundred different tavern owners to make taverns more interesting!

Die Roll	Result
1	Davis Owensby - A retired farmer who converted his old barn into a tavern. This tavern keeper brews all his own beers with hops that he grows. He will sit and talk about farming for hours, if you let him. He is worried about his cows going missing, and suspects the ogres in the hills are to blame.
2	The Ghost of Sel'seren - This tavern is haunted by the previous tavern keeper who died a few years ago. Sel'seren was a gorgeous elven woman who treated all her guests like family. People who stay the night in this inn report having their covers being pulled over them on cold nights on their own, and mugs of ale being refilled on their own.
3	Mugsy - The ex-criminal Mugsy is a goblin who pulled off a BIG heist in his past, and is using the tavern as a cover to stay under the radar. He speaks fluent Thieve's Cant and usually takes a liking to rogue players. He charges paladins extra.
4	Slunk Copperpot - Slunk is a goblin stripper who recently came into possession of her own tavern because the previous owner died of mysterious circumstances. Slunk was always his favorite dancer, and he left the tavern to her in her will. The strange thing is, he died within days of telling Slunk that information. What a coincidence!
5	Al'Ashir - This foreigner from the desert is looking to start his new business in a land far from his home. He is overly accommodating, and typically cooks all the meals himself. If the patrons aren't used to desert cuisine, they may find it particularly on the dry side.
6	Thain D’ulbris - A former adventurer who says he has traveled with all the great heroes though none of his stories match up he is a portly fun loving man. Though he is a bit loud he has ties to the rebels though he doesn’t advertise this other than his rampant and aggressive nationalism he uses as a cover.
7	Lily - This charming, attractive Elven woman always seems to know exactly what to say to cheer up patrons and get them talking. A town drunk swears that she's actually a disguised monster and the head of a local organized crime syndicate.
8	Mimi - This enchanted wizard's familiaapprentice runs the bar, using her telekinetic abilities in place of hands. The bar features a variety of exotic drinks from across the world and even some extraplanar ones (dangerous and highly expensive drinks only available with a reservation and advance order).
9	Nimue - This bright red horned tiefling has spent quite a bit of money on the decor of her bar, which is themed after hell. The barestaurant is upscale, and the food and drinks, while good, are pricy. This is a popular spot for the children of nobility to attend. The bartender has acquired several rocks enchanted with Nystul's Magic Aura, which she has put in the foundations in order to create an "aura of evil" around the place.
10	Kra'ax Three Claw - The hulking Half-Dragon is surprisingly well mannered, but will violently throw out anyone they learn takes part in the trapping of animals. They lost their left foot to an owlbear trap while traveling the wilds and sorely miss going on long treks through the untamed wilderness. Will buy or trade at a very fair price for fresh wild berries and unique stones.
11	Grin Stoneboot - A stout dwarf, with fiery red hair and no beard, that owns and operates a tavern carved entirely from one large stone block. He’s known for his wild tales of his missing flying monkey. Every time one of his patrons asks him something he always manages to lead the conversation toward his missing monkey (Nam). Rumor has it that Grin shaved his beard and won’t regrow it until he finds his lost friend. I’m sure Grin would have a fantastic reward for the player that found poor Nam.
12	Orx Thrallkeep - former gladiator, living his best life running a bar with a solid connection to the local sporting events community and betting parlors. His favorite weapon, a silver trident, is more than just decoration behind the bar.
13	Abeg Two-Smiles - reformed thief, he was horribly scarred by an angry tavern owner during his early life and eventually returned from his adventuring days to not only buy the bar itself but also to help guide young, troubled future thieves by honing their skills and boasts that anyone able to successfully steal a mug from his bar will drink free for a year. So far, none have been able to do so.
14	Juli Wise (formerly Jani the Jannkiller) - druid with a focus on elemental magic, she's laying low for the time being until the next planar alignment allows her return to some mysterious place where her allies are waiting. In the meantime, she's keeping busy and trying get information from every traveler staying at her roadside inn.
15	Herk - a goblin who found the perfect score in treasure hunting - dead adventuring groups. His specialty is building quiet, lethal traps and placing them in front of already-cleared dungeons after the adventurers have entered. They die, he collects the loot and puts it to work building a safe space for his extended family. Remarkably, he's happier running a tavern than he ever was living in dungeons and caves.
16	Josh - A well-mannered ogre. Runs a small tavern on the edge of town, and it's clear that he puts a lot of love into it. His family was kidnapped for a gladiatorial arena, meant to test fighters prowess. Josh could never really stand the sight of blood, so he opted to take on the position of cook for the combatants in the arena. He's very self-conscious about his size, but he's a gentle giant, and a friendly soul. Speaks with a slight New Zealand accent.
17	Weiss and Jaded - an Aasimar and Tiefling Wife/Husband duo. Weiss mans the bar putting patrons to ease with her holy feminine charm while Jaded in the back is the Cook and Brewmaster known for his signature drink Devil Rose Ale. If asked about their relationship they'll simply state that it was originally a joke to screw with friends but they learned to truly love each other.
18	Lurag Strongbrew - Lurag is a retired Dwarven barbarian. He made it his mission in life to find the lost mead recipe of the legendary Dwarven brewer, Gilgoth Honeybeard. Once he retrieved it, he settled down and opened a tavern to share the legendary brew with the world.
19	Meef, Störsk, and Gjël - A trio of gnomes who take turns bussing tables, cooking, and bartending. Tavern is built into the bottom of a cliff-face and the goblins added wooden structure to turn a large hollow into a serviceable, if somewhat cramped for medium and larger characters. They each have small wooden protrusions on tight fitting jerkins that attach on the back of the each shoulder. They use these to boost eachother up and grab things from the top shelves. The food and beverages are mostly fungi-based with some options for everybody. They all complain of the smell if asked to cook meat, but will aquiesce and make the food without further qualm.
20	Kareem Sandjabar - A mage who runs the tavern liberal use of mage hand, unseen servant, summons, and other magical means. Keeps a pet mimic named Boorf in the tavern that likes to prank people by turning into mugs and foot stools. Will pay handsomely for self-washing dishes because he cant stand the way his minions clean them.
21	Elias Alondir - A high elf mage who seems a bit out of place running a tavern. Being a bit of a germaphobe, he has several unseen servants as his wait staff as well as his psudodragon that collects payment and tips. Elias never touches the coins from his customers, instead dumping it all into a chest with Mage Hand and cleaning it later. When the tavern gets busy, the high elf gets a bit of anxiety and copes by letting out small laughs and chuckles as he converses with his patrons. The name of the tavern? The Laughing Mage.
22	Iphin - A minor god of alcohol who got bored just being in his realm, sells stranded drinks for cheep and high quality drink for exorbitant prices, can cure hangovers for a price.
23	Chime - This kenku is the owner and operator of Three Crows tavern/inn. The main drink is made in house and is called the three crows. Upon taking the first drink of a freshly poured Three Crows the drinker feels a burp coming but when they open their mouth to burp they let out three caws (bird sounds) the bigger the drink you take the louder the caws should be, the smaller the sip the more quiet. Chime being a Kenku and having difficulty with communication has signs all around his tavern, not just menu/room and board, but also common sayings and phrases that he’ll point to when he doesn’t feel like interacting Backstory Chime a retired Pirate, he was The first mate to the famous Captain Dread. He retired after he was injured in a battle with the Royal Navy.
24	Littlebob Mancoon is a retired (from adventuring) halfling rogue with prison tattoos on his face. Barrel chested and rather tall for a halfling, he has a dead pan sense of humor but always raises one eyebrow when he's joking. Deep voiced, he is a quick talker who says "ya ya" and "no ya" alot. Always a gambler, he won this tavern called the Way Way in a high stakes game of Kiriki while incarcerated. He has a special where you roll 2 dice and are served drinks according to the outcome. If you roll a 1 and a 2 it's on the house. He also charges half price for those that order in thieves cant.
25	Vorrakas Crixush - Red dragonborn paladin-turned-mercenary-turned tavern owner. Despite suffering great tragedy in his life, he is a stern, yet friendly and fatherly figure. A life-time of adventuring has made him a veritable font of wisdom on the subject, and many up-and-coming adventurers come to him for advice. Runs the Red Fang tavern and inn with his old friend and sworn-brother, the dwarf Hjolthrun Bronzeheart. Mess with his wait staff at your peril. Don't mess with his adoptive drow daughter if you wish to live a long life.
26	Casémone Cosmone - A grey-skinned, brown-haired and ram-horned retired Lyre-playing Bard that runs a feywild-style tavern and claims himself to be a Faun. Drinks and dishes are named after imaginary feywild herbs, shrooms and berries, and tables are engraved with rings to make them look like tree stumps. Truth of the matter is he is simply a Tiefling that looks vaguely Faun-like and attempts to use this as a trick to get customers. Locals are usually aware of this, but an unassuming stranger may find themselves tricked. Despite knowing the trick, locals still come for the unique atmosphere and Casémone's bright smile and relentless dedication to the facade.
27	Hjolthrun Bronzeheart - Dwarven ex-mercenary, now part-owner and brewmaster of the Red Fang tavern and inn. A jolly old soul always willing to share a few tales to anyone who asks. Spends his days experimenting with new types of alcoholic drinks, from making wine from watermelons to trying to recreate an old recipe that includes slime from a gelatinous cube. His most prized possession is a reinforced dwarven adamantine beer stein his calls Fimbul'kheled (Great Mug). Mess with his wait staff are your peril. Don't mess with his drow sworn-niece if you wish to live a long life.
28	Aialla, a human bard who failed to make it in the big city and now runs an inn focused on performances. This way she can play all she wants. She's not amazing but not horrible either. Here anyone can play or read. In fact you need to perform or the price of your meal is doubled. What you perform is up to you, but each customer must do something on stage to get the discount.
29	Angus Throwbeard - a surly dwarf that walks around on stilts, making him seven and a half foot tall.
30	Dirk Prophet- Assimar Bartender with a love of spiced and mulled drinks. He stands at 6'5" and has golden hair with silver freckles. The most popular drink he makes is called Celestials call, it is 3 part vodka, one part berry juice, bitters and a sprinkling of mint and spices and a touch of silver dust. A retired bard he has his lute about the bar and can sometimes be caught playing on slow nights.
31	Boogle the Gnome - He has a pack of weasels that help him tend the bar.
32	Fizz the Kenku - who repeats your order back in your own voice. The "Fizz" is literally the sound of a sudsy beer being poured.
33	Father Endros - Tends bar at a location run by the local church. He and his fellow monks brew beer in the name of their diety.
34	Misty Spring - A hard as nails half elf who was raised by a nature loving human parent and now hates that lifestyle, almost as much as she hates her name. She hasn't left the confines of the city she lives in for years.
35	Floria - A sweet halfling barkeep who just wants to be everyone's mother. She has her regular's meals waiting for them when they clock out of their shifts. She is VERY attentive with her patrons.
36	Umlog and Nevell aka "the beauty and the beast". Umlog is a literal troll, yet an extraordinary one. He's as intelligent as a troll can be and actually not a bad fellow. He is well read and has particularly deep knowlegde of local laws. He acquired his tavern in a remote deal via an exchange of letters. No one knew a troll was the buyer, before the deal was done. People in this area -close to the feywoods- are very keen on honoring deals and contracts and thus, somewhat begrudgingly abstained from gathering their torches and pitchforks. The success of the "Green side of Life" -that's the name of the tavern- is not only based on Umlog's craftiness, though. A nymph named Nevell works in the tavern at the side of Umlog. She is hospitality personified, a skilled chef, baker and singer. Nobody except them seems to know how they ended up together, but they run a really homely place in a village on the edge of civilization.
37	Pierce "Ears" Moldun, a balding human with normal sized, non-pierced ears, is the owner of Sweet Relethe. He is always looking down, at the drink he is pouring, the bar he is polishing, or the food he is cooking. He is a man of few words. Tell him, "Ears, I need to give away a story," and leave a proper sum on the bar. You will know what his service is worth if you truly need it. It may be expensive, but rarely more than one can pay. The price is different for every story, but if you do not offer enough, he will know after a quick glance at you. He will shake his head and continue with his work. If your coin is sufficient, he will nod his head, then get the dark blue bottle down from the top shelf. Slowly. Carefully. The bottle is beautifully made, but you find yourself unable to describe it apart from the color. He will pour a tiny shot, small as a thimble, before replacing the bottle and pulling you a beer to go with it. He will tell you that it's best to drop the shot in the beer then drink it slowly as you tell your story. It is best to trust him on this. As you begin your story, he will look up at you with eyes the same color as the bottle, and you will not be able to look away. He will listen intently as you tell your story, and as the words pass your lips they will also pass out of your memory. The regulars say that even if someone is sitting right next to you, they will not hear a word, just the quiet mumbling of a slow moving river. You will leave Sweet Relethe no longer possessed by your story, not in the slightest upset at your expenditure, and quick to recommend Ears of Sweet Relethe to anyone who seems in need of his service.
38	Ripzicki Papqat - Gnomish owner of "The Shimmer and Shine," Rip is known for drinks that pack a punch stronger than their small size lets on. An accomplished but eccentric alchemist, Rip has taken to testing out the effects of his drinks at his inn.
39	Shanassa the Viridescent - Dryad owner of "The Cornicopia," Shanassa's inn is actually a tree magically manipulated to house guests. Unfortunately, she had to close down the tables balanced on branches until she could figure out how to get drunk customers to stop falling off.
40	Arthur "Art" Igneous Ficer - Art is a an average sized fellow with sallow skin and sunken eyes. To give you an idea of his general appearance: despite owning a bar and inn for travelers, it looks like Art is the one that really could use some rest. But Art is a pleasant man with a passion for magically enchanted items. He gladly will talk to any traveler with such an item about the item. He finds it all fascinating. He will tell you that he used to dabble a little, but he couldn't find too many volunteers. So, he opened a bar and inn, and that pays pretty well. He keeps the price low, and that keeps travelers coming in. If you decide to stay for the night, all weapons need to be left in his care before you head up to your rooms. He's had too many drunken fights break out in the dormitory area, he will tell you. For any party member that blacks out at the bar or decides to stay the night, the DM must roll a D4 when the party member checks out of the inn. You see, Art never did give up his love of magic item creation, and he is desperately working on figuring out how to enchant weapons and items in a single night. DM rolled a 4? Surprise! An item of yours, at the DM's choosing, has acquired a properly functioning effect, also of your DM's choosing! Rolled a 3? Well, it's the same as 4, except the DM will also roll a 1d10 on your every use/attack, and a 1 will mean that your item misfired in wild magic (DM's choice). A 2? Oof. Well, it is the same as rolling a 3, except your item is completely unmagical except for the 1d10 chance of wild magic. And if the DM rolls a 1, then you were significantly robbed of either money or an item. Making magical weapons and items costs a lot, after all, and Art has a bit of rogue in him, it seems. Also, for any night a party member stays at the inn, there is a 1d6 chance of an unsatisfactorily explained small fire breaking out overnight. The following morning after such a fire, Art normally looks a little worse for wear.
41	Judy Krom - Owner of the Dog's Ear Inn, she learned a spell of invisibility to "clean up messes". most patrons are none the wiser but casting a spell to see invisible things reveals that the cups and bar top are coated with years of dirt and grime. The town isn't really sure why people are getting so sick all the time but the bar is always packed because Judy is such a charismatic person. She'll tell you stories for hours, but none of them are true.
42	Will Hornton - This bar called The Screaming Pickle has been in his family for 5 generations. People come from miles around for his pickle hooch. He never married and has no son to pass the bar to and it's getting late in his years. However, the business has slowed since the latest news of the campaign has scared customers off and he isn't sure he will have had anything to pass on to a kin anyway.
43	Abigail Turnsprout - A jolly halfling who is an avid gardener. She spices her drinks with unique herbs grown in her garden just behind her tavern, The Tipsy Turnip. Her prized Top Shelf Brew has a secret recipe of herbs and spices that many have tried and failed to obtain.
44	Tally- an older, buff halfling woman who speaks with a country accent and repeatedly calls the players "honey." Used to be an adventurer and tells stories of the fights she once found herself in.
45	Bob, Jim, and Clyde- three gnomes in a trenchcoat. They all have completely different personalities, opinions of different races, and pricing. They go by whatever the name is of the gnome whose head is on top that day!
46	Oldeye Jasper - An elderly human with one white lazy eye. He's warm and inviting to people who come into his bar, but if you let him, he'll talk to you for hours about his conspiracy theories like Lizardfolk secretly running the kingdom, or Fey leaving changelings in place of local children, and the mayor being secretly a swarm of pixies in disuse. But these are just the ramblings of an old man. Right?...
47	Sweeps - An animated broomstick that serves drinks and cleans the tavern 24/7. This would be extremely advantageous if he weren't so incredibly clumsy. He was made by the previous owner and now the current owners don't know how to get rid of him.
48	Sloppy' Joe Reznar. A Half Orc who earned his nickname for often being drunker than his customers.
49	Tivali - A female tabaxi with 5 young kids all the same age who love roaming around the tables asking adventurers tons of questions. They will sometimes place wagers or entertain for money in order to compete with their siblings for who can make the most money in one night. If they were to ever get into trouble, Tivali would suddenly be there scooping them into her arms. She's a racing champion who's known to be able to run faster than a falcon can fly.
50	The Tavern - There is no tavern keeper because this magical tavern is it's own keeper. Food appears on tables seconds after ordering it, and all you must do to pay is toss coins onto the wooden floor which immediately disappear without even a sound. There are no rooms available in this tavern, it is simply for enjoyment only. Those who forget to pay the bill tend do go missing the next day...
51	Amie, Aedricks, and Harlen. Triplets who’ve inherited a tavern. They are a Human, Elf, and Half-Elf and the Human and Elf are always feuding, leaving the Half-Elf to mediate. When the heroes arrive, the two are in such a bad fight, it must be resolved before the party can rest there for the night.
52	Elane of Juunvanfel. She is a young bartender, daughter of the ancient bartender who was a mythomaniac. Everyone knows it, but He was harmless. He was saying he was a prince of a far away land called Juunvanfel, but no one believe him. Elane talk about it with a lot of humour, and there's no chance she is really a princess. But she is really kind and charismatic, and everyone in town called her Little Queen. (if you want the lie to be true, why not!)
53	Drubogg. An orc (or half-orc) who was a raider in the past. After 15 years of jail, the local authority had free him with mercy. One of the tavern in the town was dying because the bartender was very sick, and Drubogg help him to run his business. Since 3 year, this impressive orc are a meticulous bartender and the town seems to accept him quit gently, even with his violent past. He take care of the previous bartender with a cold, but sincere kindness.
54	Jomag and Marsia. A couple who run the tavern since 20 years. The love between them is still joyful. But sometimes, they seems to be quit melancholic. If the players want to know something about it, the bartenders don't want to spread the information. But the customers will respond : they suffer they can't have children. Maybe, if one day the PCs find an orphan, they can make them very happy.
55	One-Day-He. A clever halfling who is a sorcerer who had change his name to make a contract with a powerful, but naive, Wealth Spirit. After 10 years of labor in this tavern, he will have access to an impressive amount of gold. Technically, he trade his soul... but the contract say "One-day-he will give me his soul after he receive the gold.". He's very happy and boastful about that. Maybe he's not so clever, because it's obvious for the PCs that all rogue people in town just wait the day who One-Day-He will receive the gold to steal him. Maybe the Wealth Spirit is vexed to had been so naive, and will exchange the soul of One-Day-He with a lot of gold? Who knows!
56	Holt - A man in his mid thirties whos never left the town- and doesn't intend to. He knows everyone, and everyone knows him, and seems to owe him a favor. He's always willing to help out, going to great lengths to do so, and is very warm and welcoming to all in his tavern. The patrons of his tavern return his favors, and as such he holds many regular customers, many of who will jumpy quick to stop a destructive bar fight.
57	Nora Durthane and Agnes Baumann, a dwarf and human couple. Agnes keeps the ledger, walking through the tavern room like a queen through court, greeting every patron with a smile. Nora runs the kitchens, providing hearty fare for adventurers and locals. Their tiefling son helps run the bar and remove belligerent patrons.
58	Trish One-Eye - Owner and operator of the rickety old dive bar down by the docks. An old woman with a red embroidered eyepatch and short grey hair. She secretly can talk to rodents, and so can be an excellent source of rumors and information, if you get on her good side. Serves a spicy 'meat stew' which may or may not be made of cat. Will tell lewd jokes and talk shit about her ex-girlfriends if you get her drunk.
59	Eigen Renn: A tall, heavily built human with a smirking smile and an exceptionally loud laugh. Always knows just what to say to break up a fight or set up favorite patrons for romance. Full of stories, most of which are obvious lies that you can't help but half believe. Remembers everyone's first name, their drink, their birthday, their type, and their misadventures (which he will happily and loudly relate to the entire bar--but all in good fun). Ruddy faced, with scant blond hair and tired, grey-blue eyes. He brags that he is son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a fallen princess and a tavern keeper. He isn't. He also isn't Eigen Renn. In another time and a distant country he had another name, the name of a slave trader notorious for his charm and cunning. He dealt in "specialties:" finding just the right slave for your particular, and highly expensive taste. Children, oddities, half-breeds, even sentient monsters were all his trade. Rumor says he once sold a nobleman his own son after faking the boy's death. Another says he sold two rivals to each other, then sold both to a particularly inventive necromancer. Nothing was beneath him, and no one was beyond his reach. An elaborate magical ruse allowed him to escape his old life (with pockets full of gold and magical protections for his "retirement"), he now amuses himself playing tavern keeper and practicing his own slaver's skills by manipulating the lives of his clients. Whether his enemies find him again--and if they do whether he is worth saving--is up to you.
60	Bart Keep - an irresponsible innkeeper who runs a shoddy tavern. The food and drinks are low quality, brawls happen too often, a lot of stuff get stolen, and one time a pack of rats invaded the tavern. And he never notices because he says that he's busy with 'other things'. And when he means other things, he means looking at erotic literature and pleasuring himself. No wonder no one even bothered to shut down his tavern yet.
61	Alice Bob - An innkeeper of a tavern with a horrible reputation who tries her hardest to make her tavern better, and yet she only makes things worse. Turns out that the tavern is cursed by a witch after Alice refused to serve her, thus cursing the tavern with bad luck.
62	Xaero Xsisth: A lizardfolk woman, exiled in her youth from her tribe for being highly intelligent, which lizardfolk generally shun. Growing up in the shadows and alleys of a grand city, she learned how to cook, bake, brew and serve by observation. Asking her any question about tribal life may cause her to have an emotional breakdown. Xaero loves hearing tales of daring and adventure and if the story is good enough, she may just let you have a snack for free!
63	Jasmine Mcaull - A blue macaw parrot aarokocroa who serves up any rum-based drink with a song and a smile. She often requests bards to try their hand at playing salsa music in her tavern and is known to give a couple of unsolicited tips to the adventurers that seem to appreciate the unusual music. Her tavern stands out for its bright colors and attempts at island decor.
64	Torin Pliedes - A solicitous satyr who spends half his time behind the bar and half his time tormenting the serving wenches. He has a permanent "Help Wanted" sign in the window as he's a cruddy boss and most don't tolerate his attentions for long. He's so preoccupied that half the time he pours the beer but doesn't collect the money he's owed.
65	Falstaff Argon - A stout half-orc who boasts about his accomplishments as an adventurer and proudly displays his war axe on an ebony plaque behind the bar. He challenges adventurers to take the bigger jobs and bigger hunts if he hears them deliberating in his tavern. He was injured badly in his last adventure and decided only then to retire, though it is clear he misses the life. He pays nobly for a good stag or boar and is known to post hunts of unusual creatures that plague the area.
66	Grimm - This tavern is actually run by a number of different people and the main bartender switches out every single day to an entirely new person - but behind the scenes, it’s just a single changeling practicing their acting.
67	Illia the Wise: A handsome dwarf woman, Illia is actually Illixthalix, an adult Gold Dragon who is locked in her dwarf form due to a run-in with a Fey spirit decades ago. Became a tavern keeper initially to keep her ear to the ground to try and find someone who could break the curse, but has found that she quite likes living amongst mortals. The local government is aware of her true draconic nature, and she has a tense agreement to advise them on matters concerning dragons, historical events, and magic items in exchange for them not causing her trouble. She can temporarily assume her true form, but doing so causes a good deal of discomfort and she is unable to hold the form for longer than a few moments (quite long enough to intimidate unruly patrons to settle down however). Is THE expert on the architecture and infrastructure of the now-nonexistant country of Grecciyn and has authored four books on the subject.
68	Talensvar - Talensvar is a highly civilized ogre who dresses eloquently every night and keeps an immaculate establishment. The servers are all well-dressed, well-spoken and polite. Some are half-orcs, and some of the kitchen staff and plate clears dishwashers etc are goblins as well as human. It's a high-end inn. my game talents are lost two of his friends under mysterious circumstances in a battle and will pay adventurers to find them. He is well spoken polite tolerant, everything you don't expect an ogre to be. However he doesn't put up with any nonsense, except from a friend of his who's a local hedge wizard, who will be happy to join a party just for some pay at the end of it. He uses spells that often spectacularly fail, usually with somewhat comic but not too harmful results.
69	Rondo “Double Dizzy” Thimblebottom: A retired Gnome Ranger Beastmaster who hung up his adventuring cap after his lifelong friend and pet Giant Badger, Dizzy, was slain in combat. He’s now the proprietor of Dizzy’s Pub, a dive-y but well-loved pub by locals who come to hear Rondo recount tales of his adventuring days, some comical, some downright frightening. A giant painting (by gnome standards, it’s only 60”x48”) of Dizzy curled up resting under a tree is adorned above a fireplace in the pub.
70	Gina and Reyna, Gina is a kenku woman who owns the tavern and helps run it if the party has any questions she will point to Reyna her adopted daughter and tell them 'Ask Reyna'. Reyna is a half eleven girl that is 19 she has been teaching Gina how to talk more and is more then willing to answer any of the party's questions.
71	Tolbin Shortwick, a halfling rouge who speaks thieves' cant and has a few drugs and basic potions that you can get if you speak thieves' cant to him. There are investigations on people getting robbed at other taverns and with further investigation you will learn it was Tolbin or if you speak thieves' cant Tolbin will tell you it was him.
72	Chopper - A half-orc who cultivates rumors that they chop off body parts of those who dont pay their tab. They keep a few bottles on display with fingers and toes preserved inside, and have a ritual requiring those who want to start a tab, "Kiss the Toe" by taking a drink from one of the bottles. Truth is, Chopper secretly knows a Gravedigger who can procure parts, no questions asked.
73	Sweet Leaves - A small treant. The only type of alcohol that's served in their establishment is a special kind of Kirsch. This is because Sweet Leaves makes all their alcohol with their own cherries. As a result, Sweet Leaves' tavern is small but popular to a small group interested in the Kirsch.
74	Virtus Swifttail - A slightly overweight centaur in his late 20s who decided that he preferred city life over the nomadic life of his former tribe. While he's chatty and provides good service, he often ends up bumping things accidentally with his horse half.
75	Barrus Fymar - A large human man who's in his early 60s who towers over most of his guests. He used to be a paladin adventurer, but he lost his sword arm during a battle with a nightwalker and retired to become a tavern keep. He still displays the magical greatsword he used on his journey inside his tavern, but it's now unusable by him.
76	Sinead, Iron Golem operator of J.J. Killahans - Sinead was originally conjured as a bouncer for the rowdy establishment. The original owner, J.J., left the bar to Sinead in his will. Sinead runs the bar, though hospitality is often beyond her reach. She plays the same 3 tavern songs on a 15 minute loop, as 15 minutes is more than adequate time for a customer to consume their drink (and promptly leave).
77	Silent Joey is abnormal because he's, well, silent. Normally this would be an unacceptable obstacle for a bartender, but Joey is a master drink-maker and surprisingly good at interacting with customers. He's a very good listener, too.
78	Greenscarf Tabitha has the power of appearance-changing but can't control it. She wears a green scarf so others can identify her, as it's anyone guess what face you'll see when you walk in each evening.
79	Malamenmar is a polite and talkative guy who runs a quiet inn on a mountain road. But once a month a mysterious man comes into the bar and Malamenmar drops everything to cater to this guy. If pressed he will reply that the man is a very dear friend and he values his comfort highly.
80	Ranold & Ezra Nikos are brothers. Outgoing Ranold tends bar, reserved Ezra handles the supplies and finances. The strange thing is that the two are never seen in the same place at once.
81	A blind bartender that doesn’t realize his formerly-white rag is dirtying the glasses, but he still keeps perfect track of who orders what.
82	Kurdran Brewhammer - This Dwarf is the last remaining Brewhammer, legendary brewers that were known far and wide for a huge variety of beers. Kurdran is a retired adventurer who loves battle and action. He has a tall orange mohawk and a big bushy beard and is extremely proud of his family heritage. He's very friendly and loves to tell tales of his various adventures, but if provoked he is a fierce barbarian. With a swig of beer, he's ready to brawl!
83	Captain Andor Gray is the innkeeper of Sparrow's Rest. He was the captain of the Night Wind, a smuggling ship, but is now earning a mostly honest living. He retired after a shipwreck that killed most of his crew. He still keeps "Pickle", a green parrot, who can usually be found in the common room. The bird will squawk "awk stay outta the grog awk" whenever someone refills their mug from the cask that Gray keeps out, free for the sailors who can't afford better. You can almost always find a fence buying goods there (no questions asked), and rumors say there's a hidden tunnel from the cellar that leads under the city wall to an abandoned quarry.
84	Joost is the friendly innkeeper of the Crown and Crescent inn. He's either a very tall dwarf, or maybe a half-dwarf (no one's sure, and he won't say). He has rust-colored hair and a braided beard, which he tucks into his apron.
85	Kósh is the half-orc innkeeper of the Outside Inn, just outside the city of Redcliff. He named it, but he doesn't really get the joke. Surprisingly, the inn does good business, even though it has few amenities except for a large stable and a good location if you're just passing through the city.
86	Zhirella is the attractive female half-elf innkeeper (and madame) of the Golden Bush tavern. It's very popular for its high-class courtesans.
87	Egan 'Rusty' Ironmane is the dwarf innkeeper of the Silver Eel Tavern. He was formerly a fisherman and before that a soldier.
88	Hard'ach "Hardy" Sl'avis - A dragonborn with the mannerisms of a dwarf, he inherited his tavern from his grandfather, Sil'bahn. He has a knack for making spicy meals for his patrons, and is quite a friend to make, knowing all of the goings-on in the town.
89	Cressida and Corinth Vor Haishen - a Dwarven couple with an adopted minotaur for a son far taller than either of them. They'll give you a discount if you can tell their son a story that'll keep him entertained for a bit, and want your input on where to send such a curious young boy to learn more. An academy, a monastery, they want input!
90	Skaesgolr the Tired - Skaesgolr the Tired of the Uthgardt will tolerate near enough anything, a fair fight is welcome, but assassins and thieves are not. He has much pride, and still believes he honours Uthgar, both with his past, and his present. His greatest achievement, a Giant sized great axe, it can be seen broken and damaged, hung in it’s ruined majesty on the rear wall above the bar. Anyone who challenges his idea or faith in his God will be challenged to a fight and/or be made to leave. Growing tired of finding the next great challenge, he claims that if Uthgar wants him to die in some great battle, it will have to find him - here he will wait... warm, well fed, with a belly fully of ale and a sack full of silver.
91	Molly Rexxen - A red-headed human female who always wears a bandana over her hair. She's a retired high level fighter who was once a soldier, and was ridiculed because she was a woman amongst the guard. When her city was surprised attacked by a neighboring band of monsters, she devised a plan and led the charge that protected the city with no casualties. After this, she turned down a promotion and quit to build her tavern and create an adventuring guild.
92	Modeus Jackson - a retired high level bard who runs "The Pocket" Inn. Often humming as he works and any action he does seems to follow the rhythm to an unheard song. In fact anyone who stays in "The Pocket" for long enough will find their actions more rhyrhmic than usual, joining in a symphony of synchronized cultery clanking, mastication, foot tapping under harmonising musical conversations and even melodious arguments. Modeus takes extra delight in serving Bard patrons who bring their own instruments and will offer discounts and advice in return for a quick performance.
93	Krall Razorthorn - Former half-orc warrior turned tavern owner, he exchanged his armor for a tuxedo. He runs a high class tavern called The Silk Sheik Tavern, specializing in dainty cocktails and high end drinks.
94	Borgrarg - Having amassed a fortune adventuring, this dwarf opened Drink. The tavern hasn't make so much as a copper piece in 4 years. He's been drunk all this time giving away drinks to anyone who walks in the door. Lucky for him, he's located in a small village, now known for its sobriety.
95	Marty Oggbin - smallish, middle-aged human, with a slight hunch on his back. Born and raised locally. Marty is forever the optimist and mysteriously manages to spin any traveler's downtrodden tale. He often gives away food to those most in need.
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Game Information

Game Title: Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales
Platforms:

• PlayStation 5 (Nov 12, 2020)
• PlayStation 4 (Nov 12, 2020)

Trailers:

• Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales – Be Yourself TV Commercial | PS5, PS4
• Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales - Gameplay Demo | PS5
• Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales - Announcement Trailer | PS5

Developer: Insomniac Games
Publisher: Sony
Review Aggregator:
OpenCritic - 85 average - 94% recommended - 83 reviews

Critic Reviews

Digitally Downloaded - Matt C. - 5 / 5 stars

But it's certainly no less impressive. That intimacy lends itself perfectly to a story about a vibrant, tight-knit community with a rich and storied history; a story about gentrification and misguided attempts to "fix" things that aren't broken; a story about a mixed-race kid looking for his place in a world that always seems to see him as "other", and finding that place in the welcoming, open arms of Harlem.

EGM - Josh Harmon - 10 / 10

Don't be fooled into thinking Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is some minor spin-off of Insomniac Games' PS4 exclusive. Sure, it's not as long, but the experience is packed with enough new gameplay ideas and design refinements that it feels every bit like a true, substantial successor. Throw in a story that does justice to Miles as a character and tech that wonderfully showcases the power of the PlayStation 5, and you just might have one of the best console launch titles of the modern era.

GameSpew - Richard Seagrave - 10 / 10

Perhaps I’ve been dismissive of Spider-Man: Miles Morales in calling it a standalone expansion, because while it may indeed be shorter than Insomniac’s first Spider-Man outing, it’s not just a simple continuation of the story designed to wring out a bit more moolah from your wallet. Think of it as a more focused sequel instead, as that’s what it actually feels like. It’s free of story bloat, and the gameplay has most definitely been expanded upon and improved. Plus, since when has an expansion looked so much nicer than the game it’s building upon? This is a timely release that demonstrates the power of the PS5 with style, and if you aren’t picking it up alongside your console, you’re simply doing things wrong.

GamingTrend - Ron Burke - 100 / 100

With flawless lighting, excellent gameplay, innovative immersion, and a fresh new story, Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is the sort of game that we'll be talking about for the rest of the console generation. This is how you start a new generation of gaming.

Impulsegamer - Andrew Bistak - 5 / 5

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is indeed the must have title for the PlayStation 5 that successfully brings this character to life on this next-gen console with some stunning graphics and flawless gameplay. Just like a comic but better as you're the star!

PowerUp! - Leo Stevenson - 9.7 / 10

It might not be the brand-new, system selling experience we're used to getting at the launch of a new console, but Spider-man Miles Morales is an incredibly good game and a must-play.

Digital Chumps - Nathaniel Stevens - 9.5 / 10

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a wonderful launch title for the PlayStation 5. It has everything you want from a Spider-Man game and a unique story that could be considered Hollywood-caliber.

Geek Culture - Jake Su - 9.5 / 10

When it comes to Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales, it is all about love, a labour of dedication and design that will no doubt garner fans aplenty in the days ahead.

God is a Geek - Adam Cook - 9.5 / 10

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales manages to improve on the fantastic game that came before it. Insomniac Games continue to be on fire with perhaps their best game ever.

Stevivor - Steve Wright - 9.5 / 10

Spider-Man Miles Morales is a tight little package that provides a thrilling Spider-Man experience, trimmed of nonessential fat and full of emotion and excitement.

COGconnected - Paul Sullivan - 92 / 100

Though it’s not as polished as the 2018 original, Spider-Man Miles Morales is a smashing success. It looks sensational and is an absolute riot to play. Miles’ story brings all the drama and feels it needs to, and highlights a community outside what’d normally be on the drawing board for a game like this. Despite some bugginess, this is the game you want to show off your impressive new hardware. I can guarantee I’ll be slinging from Harlem to Hell’s Kitchen daily for the foreseeable future.

Attack of the Fanboy - Josh Garibay - 4.5 / 5 stars

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a thrilling, albeit brief, ride with the most compelling Spider-Man yet.

Destructoid - Chris Carter - 9 / 10

Just like Into the Spider-Verse, I was pleasantly surprised by Miles Morales. I came in fully expecting it to be a side story, but it was much more than that. If this is setting us up for Spider-Man 2 where both Miles and Peter are playable: I'm in.

Digital Chumps - Alex Tudor - 9 / 10

Spider-Man: Miles Morales on PS4 is fun, frantic, and full of heart. While not as large in scope as 2018's Spider-Man, Miles Morales continues to build upon the world Insomniac has crafted to deliver a heartfelt story about a kid in Harlem just trying to deal with the responsibility of balancing being a hero with protecting his family. Miles Morales doesn't add a ton to the formula, nor does it need to. Swinging through New York is just as fun as it was in 2018, and some of Miles' new Venom powers allow him to feel different than Peter Parker. You're not going to get all the bells and whistles the PS5 version offers, but the story itself is a must-play.

Easy Allies - Brandon Jones - 9 / 10

Review Copy Provided by PlayStation Miles Morales and the PlayStation 5 are both ready for their big debut, eager to show people what they're made of. The campaign is shorter than the first game, but the map is still full of stories and skirmishes worthy of an amazing hero.

Game Informer - Andrew Reiner - 9 / 10

Not as long as the previous entry, but better streamlined. The Spider-Man action is superb, but the threat Miles faces isn't as interesting or potent

Game Rant - Anthony Taormina - 4.5 / 5 stars

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is an exceptional follow-up to Marvel's Spider-Man, even if a lot of the formula feels familiar. On PS5, though, it is a must-play just to see the potential of the new hardware and what it will offer from both a visual and a performance standpoint. For many console gamers, this will be their first taste of steady 4K 60FPS or Ray-Tracing that adds meaningful improvements to the presentation. Insomniac's work on the game is stunning.

Gaming Nexus - John Yan - 9 / 10/)

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales shines on the PlayStation 5 with great graphics, solid gameplay, and excellent use of the new DualSense controller for a seriously fun game to play on the brand new console.

IGN - Jonathon Dornbush - 9 / 10

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a fantastic follow-up, telling a wonderful story while improving upon the fundamentals of the first game.

Inverse - Corey Plante - 9 / 10

For anyone who loved Spider-Man on PS4 and Into the Spider-Verse, Miles Morales will exceed even your wildest expectations.

Siliconera - Jenni Lada - 9 / 10

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales is the hero we’re looking for. The game takes everything people loved about Marvel’s Spider-Man, the story, the collecting, and the smooth fighting, and presents us with a story that somehow feels more balanced and dedicated to its star.

Spiel Times - Caleb Wysor - 9 / 10

“Miles Morales” is one of the year’s best escapist entertainments, replete with stand-out combat, an engaging story and a well-designed open world.

USgamer - Mike Williams - 4.5 / 5 stars

The early heroic career of Miles Morales gets some shine in this standalone soft sequel to Marvel's Spider-Man for PS4. Web swinging is still fantastic and the combat system expands with Miles' more varied powerset. And while you might have played most of this game before, Insomniac does an amazing job telling the story of its version of Miles. Rooted in his new home of Spanish Harlem, he's probably the most "friendly neighborhood" of any version of Spider-Man.

Video Chums - A.J. Maciejewski - 8.9 / 10

Without a doubt, Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a much more enjoyable game than the original and it shows off PS5's performance brilliantly. It's too bad that it isn't longer because I loved every minute of it.

Cerealkillerz - Gabriel Bogdan - German - 8.6 / 10

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales is not quite a Spider-Man 2 but it comes pretty close. If you can live with a lot of similar tasks, enemies and easy to see through story twists you'll get here a well made Adventure in the Spider-Man Universe that gives a great inside on the man behind the mask and his struggles.

GamePro - Hannes Rossow - German - 86 / 100

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a nice spin-off, that expands the template meaningfully and puts more heart and soul into the story.

GRYOnline.pl - Michał Mańka - Polish - 8.5 / 10

Miles Morales is an interesting enough character to carry an entire game by himself. Not because it’s shorter than the original, but because the story is good and the voice actor did a fantastic job. Despite finishing MM on a review copy of both the game and the new PlayStation, I’m sure I’ll play the new Spider-Man again in my private time.

GameBlast - Alexandre Galvão - Portuguese - 8.5 / 10

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales stands out for further highlighting one of the best PS4 games in an excellent expansion of the universe created by Insomniac in 2018. What was already good has been maintained and certain features have been improved. With impeccable presentation and an excellent adventure, its only problem is still being at the mercy of its predecessor when it comes to innovation.

GameZone - Cade Onder - 8.5 / 10

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is the end of one generation and the start of another. It serves as yet another defining title for PlayStation but also an essential story for Marvel's greatest hero. With new innovations in Spidey gameplay as well as loads of refinement and a wildly impactful story, Spider-Man: Miles Morales is the game we need right now.

PSX Brasil - Ivan Nikolai Barkow Castilho - Portuguese - 85 / 100

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is relatively short, but it is still exceptional. Miles' gameplay manages to be different enough from Peter, even though the base of both is similar. The story is interesting, but a little predictable and much less "epic". Despite these points, it is an excellent addition to the PS4 (and now PS5) library.

Press Start - Adam Mathew - 8.5 / 10

For a launch title, the worth of Spider-Man: Miles Morales is undeniable. It offers an expensive-TV-justifying visual feast – not to mention a tantalising "What Dreams May Come" glimpse at the sugar encrusted future of eye-candy. (Console hasn't even launched yet and I can feel my eyes getting the diabeetus.) Likewise, it delivers super-fast load times and an immersive, tactile DualSense experience you simply can't 'feel' anywhere else.

The Games Machine - Stefano Calzati - Italian - 8.5 / 10

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales certainly does not reinvent the original work, but manages to tell a particularly intense story by introducing and deepening an extremely positive character with an overwhelming personality. More compact than Peter Parker's adventure, with an elegantly told political subtext and a warm family dimension that comes to protect at all costs, the Insomniac work then explodes in exploiting what PS5 has to offer from a technical point of view, between impressive lighting that benefits from ray tracing and a world instantly loaded thanks to the potential of the SSD, which practically eliminates pop-up , giving a fluidity to the action, a breath at the stairs and an absolutely breathtaking overall visual impact.

Wccftech - Kai Powell - 8.5 / 10

Miles Morales is a far more charismatic hero than Peter in Parker in Marvel's Spider-Man and there's no better way to tell his story than with his own game as a PlayStation 5 launch title. While shorter and more compact than Peter Parker's adventures, this quick trip to Harlem should be on any superhero fan's wishlist.

Worth Playing - Redmond Carolipio - 8.5 / 10

My only real gripe about Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is that I wish there were more of it. Miles and the rest of his circle are absolutely capable of being compelling enough to carry a game for twice the length. I just like this kid, and I think a lot of other people will, too.

IGN Spain - David Soriano - Spanish - 8.2 / 10

Despite its length, Marvel's Spider-man: Miles Morales is a great launch game for PS5 and a perfect example of the potential of the machine in the hands of the members of PlayStation Studios.

Daily Mirror - JC Suttun - 4 / 5 stars

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a more focused and concise outing than its predecessor. It lands somewhat in the Uncharted: Lost Legacy mould of a shorter experience that does away with filler, and meaningful moments interspersed with less gumpf. While there's not a huge amount of reinvention, Miles Morales is a fantastic superhero experience that does enough to feel like a worthy follow-up.
Spider-Man: Miles Morales is available now on PlayStation 4 and PlayStation 5 (version tested) for £49.99

Enternity.gr - Panagiotis Petropoulos - Greek - 8 / 10

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a worthy successor to the 2018 game, due to Insomniac’s enriched Marvel’s Spider-Man formula with some interesting systems and delivered an equally interesting (although much shorter) campaign.

Everyeye.it - Francesco Fossetti - Italian - 8 / 10

Nothing new for those who have already worn the Spider-Man costume on PS4, but Insomniac always remains a guarantee of great quality.

Game Revolution - Mack Ashworth - 4 / 5 stars

For $50, players are getting 7-9 hours of story missions, combined with the optional 10+ hours of side content, much of which is collectible hunting. That doesn’t strike me as a great deal at launch, but the free upgrade from PS4 to PS5 does help soften the blow. When the price is right for you, this PlayStation exclusive comes with my recommendation, as it further bolsters Sony’s arsenal as we enter the next generation and beyond.

GamesRadar+ - Leon Hurley - 4 / 5 stars

A brilliant but all too brief sample of Miles Morales' superhero life.

Guardian - Keith Stuart - 4 / 5 stars

This Spiderverse-inspired take on Spider-Man has a new hero and an appealing message reflecting America's vibrant diversity

Hardcore Gamer - Kevin Dunsmore - 4 / 5

Marvel's Spider-Man perfectly revitalized the Spider-Man gaming franchise back in 2018 and Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is an excellent follow-up.

Kakuchopurei - Kenn Leandre - 80 / 100

Just like Miles in the comics, Spider-Man: Miles Morales does not try to out-do an already established name. Rather, it carves a new story for themselves in a familiar-but-comforting setting.

Metro GameCentral - 8 / 10

A far better advert for the PS5 than its short length and last gen assets might have suggested, with superior storytelling and more compelling characters than the original.

Nerdburglars - Dan Hastings - 8 / 10

If you enjoyed the last game, you will definitely enjoy this one. Being in control of Spiderman is a delight in every single way. Fast travel is a forgotten mechanic as you won't want to waste an opportunity to travel via web-slinging. With such a strong foundation and a rock-solid game that came before it, Miles Morales had some high expectations. In many ways, it delivered what you would want from a Spiderman adventure. It falls short with a weaker lineup of villains and a less interesting story. Marvel's Spiderman was just too good.

PCMag - Will Greenwald - 4 / 5 stars

Spider-Man: Miles Morales kicks off the PlayStation 5's launch by putting you in the web shooters of the titular new Spider-Man in a satisfying side story that covers much of the same terrain as its predecessor.

PPE.pl - Wojciech Gruszczyk - Polish - 8 / 10

Spider-Man: Miles Morales is an interesting spin-off that shows a young superhero and is an excellent forecaster of the possibilities of the new generation. A new Spider-Man is born before our eyes.

Push Square - Sammy Barker - 8 / 10

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is effortlessly cool. The overall gameplay structure may prove samey for those who failed to fall in love with Insomniac Games' previous effort, but everyone else will have a blast with this generous spin-off story. Great characters, tons of activities, and some epic set-piece moments round out a must play superhero romp – and with the developer on this kind of form, we can't wait to see more of the full-scale sequel that it's inevitably cooking up.

SECTOR.sk - Matúš Štrba - Slovak - 8 / 10

Miles Morales presents his more personal story as a young Spider-Man trying prove himself as New York's hero. But the game recycles too much of the original's content and consept.

Screen Rant - Nicholas Straub - 4 / 5 stars

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales fumbles its well-intentioned story by failing to challenge Miles and adequately address its complex context, but it is still an enthralling experience. The campaign is filled with memorable gameplay and the open-world exploration successfully expands upon the successes of the original game. It also sets the stage for Miles to become the face of the franchise, and perhaps his story will be better told in a full-fledged game rather than a shorter jaunt through his origins.

Shacknews - Chris Jarrard - 8 / 10

Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales will appeal to loads of gamers and I suspect it will be a hit for PlayStation owners this holiday season. While there isn’t as much to do this time around and what is included is mostly recycled, the asking price is lower than normal. Being Spider-Man is still as fun as it was in 2018 (and potentially more fun now at 60Hz) and Miles Morales is a character that is more compelling than Peter Parker. Should the few technical hiccups get sorted out, this will be a solid inclusion for any game library. Anyone grabbing a PS5 at launch would do well to grab a copy.

Spaziogames - Stefania Sperandio - Italian - 8 / 10

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales doesn't even try to reinvent the wheel, but it's enjoyable and well packed.

TheSixthAxis - Jim Hargreaves - 8 / 10

Spider-Man: Miles Morales feels like more of a sequel than it is a stopgap, entangling players within its web of cleverly refined mechanics while delivering some familiar web-slinging thrills. A heroic technical showcase for PS5 owners picking up their consoles on day one, this meaty side story in the Spider-Man saga has us even more excited than before to see what Insomniac Games have planned next.

TrustedReviews - Jade King - 4 / 5 stars

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a brilliant expansion of Insomniac's beloved superhero adventure from 2018. It shows why Miles Morales is, arguably, the franchise's greatest strength, while also proving how much of an impact the next generation will have on visuals and performance. If you're picking up a PS5, this is essential.

VG247 - Alex Donaldson - 4 / 5 stars

Launch games are rarely remembered as earth-shattering experiences years later, but at the time, elements of them always feel magical. On PS5, Miles Morales has both of these feelings down – it’s familiar and unsurprising, but some of its technical presentation will wow you nevertheless. If you’re picking up a PS5 on launch day, for that reason this will surely do.

VideoGamer - Josh Wise - 8 / 10

The developer, Insomniac Games, has a similar storytelling confidence to that of Naughty Dog-a natural cinematic ease, bolstered by money and technology, which gives equal weight to ground-level struggles as to those beyond the rooftops.

WellPlayed - Kieron Verbrugge - 8 / 10

Miles Morales is a worthy standalone addition to Insomniac's excellent Spider-Man game and a compelling part of the PlayStation 5 launch lineup, even if it does seem a little pricey

New Game Network - Alex Varankou - 76 / 100

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales offers a fun story in a streamlined adventure that builds on the great foundation of its predecessor, despite a few performance issues on the PS4.

Gadgets 360 - Akhil Arora - 7 / 10

If the sticker price isn't a concern, in Spider-Man: Miles Morales, you'll find a game that is lacking in originality but thankfully built on a solid core that needs a few tweaks. It's a successful expansion of Insomniac's Spider-Man universe, but it's a new paragraph, rather than a new chapter. Hopefully it will give us the latter next time around. And though it's also good for representation, it still has a ways to go. (Though the game wasn't anything special, Marvel's Avengers gave us a Muslim-American lead in Kamala Khan / Ms. Marvel.) Hopefully we can get Spider-Gwen from Insomniac next, or a Spider-Verse game, though given the lack of setup, either seems unlikely. For now, Miles continues his upward trajectory. He walked in 2018, so he could fly in 2020.

GameSpot - Jordan Ramée - 7 / 10

Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales sticks a bit too close to its predecessor in terms of mechanics, but manages to stand on its own through its story and characters.

Washington Post - Christopher Byrd - 70 / 100

I’d wager that Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales will be remembered as the year’s most ingratiating family-friendly video game. It is a feel-good, unabashed spectacle that controls well, looks great and has a hyper-efficient story line that never tries to overdeliver.

We Got This Covered - Shaan Joshi - 3.5 / 5 stars

While it does little to move the needle for the series as a whole, Spider-Man: Miles Morales both plays the part of a much-needed stopgap and serves as a technical showcase of what the PlayStation 5 can bring to the table.

Telegraph - Dan Silver - 3 / 5 stars

With greater console power comes greater responsibility (and much faster loading times)

ACG - Jeremy Penter - Buy

"Miles is fantastic as an expansion to the Spiderman Universe on Playstation"

Ars Technica - Kyle Orland - Unscored

Buy it if you want an "expansion pack" sequel with an interesting story and solid, familiar gameplay.

Console Creatures - Bobby Pashalidis - Recommended

Everything about this game oozes style, Nadji Jeter is the definitive version of Miles Morales thanks to his goofy and geeky take on the web-slinger. Soaring through the Highrise buildings of New York City has never looked better and the extra power of the PlayStation 5 makes things feel more alive than ever before

Eurogamer - Martin Robinson - Recommended

A standalone expansion for 2018's excellent original, with enhanced action and an irresistible new lead.

GameOnAUS - Royce Wilson - Recommended

More of the same is not necessarily a bad thing, and Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales is a perfect example.

GameXplain - GameXplain - Liked-a-lot

Video Review - Quote not available

Kotaku - Mike Sholars - Unscored

Miles Morales excels in its smallest moments, and I wish it had the confidence to stand by them to the end.

Polygon - Tauriq Moosa - Unscored

What makes Miles an important hero for the world of 2020 is not his successes, his abilities, his fighting moves, or even his moral compass to do good: It’s his belief in himself and others that we can rise above this. That’s also his mother’s central focus for her political campaign. Miles has a relentless, if sometimes naïve, belief in others’ goodness. He wants to help the city and neighborhood he loves. And watching him try, watching his small victories, and playing through it with such beautiful animations — with nods to Into the Spider-Verse — became one of my few joys in this dark-as-shit year.

Skill Up - Ralph Panebianco - Unscored

Video Review - Quote not available